Communicating with Your Spouse
Tell your spouse how happy you are that you’re together. There are about a bajillion ways to do so, and the dialogue you share with your spouse will likely dictate the specifics. That said, there are few things you can say that have particularly romantic potency. Tell your spouse you love them every day. Add to your “I love you,” with something like, “I’m so glad we married one another.” Stop whatever you’re doing for a moment and make eye contact to ensure that the statement is genuinely given and fully received. Give your spouse a call, unexpectedly, just to tell them you love them. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Try some of these romantic ideas. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says: "Give your wife romantic surprises, like cooking her favorite meal, getting her flowers, buying ice cream, or posting a love note. You could also give her a break, like taking care of the kids for a day so she can get a massage or get her hair done. In addition, try to be kind and supportive, ask questions about her day, give her compliments, and let her know that you appreciate her."
Send your spouse a love letter. Even when you and your spouse are happy together and doing well, it’s easy to end up talking more about what needs to be done, and less about how great you are together. Write a letter to lay out how much you appreciate your partnership together. Start with something about your spouse that made you fall in love with them. Remind them why you wanted to marry them. Include something specific, such as, “I knew I wanted to marry you when________.” Articulate your appreciation. Include something along the lines of, “I deeply appreciate you and everything you do for us.”
Convey your excitement to see your spouse. When you're looking forward to seeing your spouse again after a day at work or a trip apart, be sure to show and articulate that excitement. Though you may want to avoid approaching them with the exuberance of the family pet, be sure to greet your spouse as soon as you're reunited with both verbal and physical affection. Keep it simple if you want, but be sure to greet your spouse after time apart. Not only do you want to convey your affection, but greeting a spouse when they return home sets the tone for a positive, loving evening together.
Ask your spouse for tips. You can do so subtly, by asking them about things you’ve done before that made them feel especially loved. Based on their response, plan a similarly romantic gesture soon! Alternatively, be explicit. Say something like, “Hey, is there anything I can do for you today?” Though seemingly simple, reminding your spouse that you’re there for them, and that you want them to be happy, is deeply romantic.
Shaking Things Up
Leave love notes. You don’t have to write a full on letter to romance your spouse. Sometimes just a quick compliment or declaration of affection will make their day by letting them know you planned ahead to convey your love unexpectedly. Leave a sticky note on their computer so they’ll find it later in the day. Refer to an inside joke or affectionate nickname in a note to bring your connection to one another to mind, even when you’re apart. For added effect, include a throwback reference to an old nickname you used when you first started falling in love.
Develop your own secret codes. Propose gestures or phrases that are code for more romantic messages, and use these gestures to communicate in sensitive environments. For instance, a double-tap with your toe beneath the table can mean, “You look incredibly attractive right now.” Propose these codes during pillow talk sessions or on car rides, for deployment during family dinners or parent-teacher conferences. Include codes for more meaningful messages too, such as “I’ve got your back” and, of course, “Just reminding you how much I love you.”
Draw something ridiculous somewhere they’ll see it. Shoot to catch them during a tedious task, to supplement a normal part of their day with a romance-induced smile. For instance, if your spouse eats eggs every day, draw silly faces on every egg in the carton with a non-toxic marker. Silliness is the key here - it can be incredibly gratifying to make your partner smile, or even laugh, for no reason whatsoever.
Send flowers out of the blue. Face it: flowers aren’t the most original romantic gesture. You don’t want to be sending flowers for every birthday, anniversary, and hallmark holiday. Only send flowers occasionally, on days they’ll never see it coming.
Start the day flirtatiously. Mornings tend to be a whirlwind of preparation, responsibility, and hustle. Start your day together less seriously, with a playful pinch on your spouse’s booty, or a dramatic, drawn out kiss. Say good morning. Even better: “Good morning beautiful.” Give goodbye kisses like you mean it. A quick kiss can certainly convey affection, but a dozen seconds of locked-in lipping sends a far more romantic message to your spouse.
Sharing Responsibilities and Supporting Each Other
Beat your spouse to the chores. In a partnership, you share the responsibilities for doing the household chores. Doing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom aren’t that fun, but they need to get done. Before your spouse gets home, take care of everything – both the chores you usually do and those they do too. Declutter the bedroom. If you don’t have a bunch of time but want to increase the comfort of your shared space, spend a few minutes tidying up the bedroom. Make it sexy. It’s not 1955 - forget the old “have dinner ready when they get home.” Sure, you can have dinner ready, but strip down to your skivvies and get a head start on the dishes so they come home to an especially exciting scene in the kitchen. Dinner can wait.
Get up and make the coffee. This requires absolutely no explanation; if your spouse drinks coffee, this act of daily necessity will go straight to their heart in more ways than one. Go the extra step and do something for your spouse that will help them get ready for the day. Waking up to a loving gesture from a partner sends a powerful message about how much you care about them.
Remember to hold hands. There’s really nothing like it - both in terms of romance and support. Whether on a walk around the block or just sitting in front of the video entertainment system, grab your spouse’s hand, give it a heartfelt squeeze, and hold it for a while. Though hand-holding can simply be a subtle romantic gesture, it also tangibly tells your spouse that you're there for them. Alternatively, quietly hug your spouse when you're know they're struggling.
Articulate your support on tough days. If your spouse has been stressed lately, or you know they’re up against a particularly challenging task, offer your support with a text or email. Keep it short and sweet, so as not to distract them. Just let them know they have your support. Thank them too, for their support when you’re going through a rough patch. Say something like, “Hey, thanks for being there for me right now. It’s been rough – but being with you makes it all better.”
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