- Take the first steps by asking your wife what you can do, addressing changes in your behavior, being patient, and getting help if needed.
- Commit to being open and heartfelt when speaking with your wife as you figure out how to improve your relationship—and try to forgive and forget.[1]
- Give your wife space and try not to call or text constantly, as this can seem like desperate behavior.
Address any changes in your own behavior since you got married.
When you got married, you commit to spending your lives together. You also both married the person you wanted to spend your life with. If you’ve become a different person than the one your wife married (or vice versa), these changes may need to be addressed. Any change that's had a negative impact on your relationship needs to be addressed. For instance, there could simply have been tangible changes. If one person didn't have a very healthy lifestyle, they might've developed health concerns that are now taking a toll on your intimacy. If you recently had a child together, you could be adjusting as you learn how to be parents. If you’ve become more stressed (from work or whatever else) – and maybe harder to be around – acknowledge that this likely a reason that distance may have developed between the two of you. Schedule specific time to work on whatever you might need to change. If it's simply spending more time with your wife, commit to spending certain blocks of time together each week and take these commitments seriously. If you frequently find yourself yelling or having fits of anger or other emotional surges, see a therapist soon.
Get help with issues you're struggling to address alone.
More significant adjustments to your behavior may require professional help. If you're struggling with addiction or cannot control your emotions, get help. See a doctor or therapist to help identify specific issues that you may be struggling, and follow their advice on steps you can take to address these issues. If you're suffering from addiction of any sort - to alcohol, drugs, the internet, or anything else - see a medical professional as soon as possible. Recognize that physical abuse of any type is not only illegal, it is a sign that you need professional help. In short, address any and all problems that are external to your relationship so that they do not continue to have a negative effect on your marriage. Tell your wife about the effort your putting in to address serious issues. Not only will she be happy to hear it, you'll motivate yourself to take your own efforts seriously.
Maintain a healthy consistency in the rest of your life.
This indicates that you’re confident that your marriage can be saved. Don't neglect being available to your wife, but take care of yourself be doing things you enjoy to make sure you stay in a healthy frame of mind. By indicating you’re able to go on with your own life, you’re also indicating that you’re capable of a mature and level-headed conversation. Don’t play to her sympathy or try to guilt her by acting dramatically or emphasizing how much it hurts to be without her – it’s immature, and it won’t work in the long term.
Ask her how you can win her back.
This may seem too simple or too direct, but it may actually be the most important step to take. Ask her how she feels about what needs to change about your relationship together. Simply by asking, you'll indicate that you care about what she's thinking and that you're ready and willing to put effort into your marriage. Be specific with your questions, and ask for specific answers. Start with something like, "I know it's been rough lately. What can I do to prove how much this relationship still means to me?" Listen carefully to her response and take her perspective seriously, even if it angers or saddens you at first. Know that speaking honestly with one another will likely be the first step in getting your relationship back on track.
Respect yourself and your wife.
Do not speak negatively about her. Most importantly, if you have children together, it is entirely inappropriate to speak poorly about your wife to them. This will have negative effects on everyone involved, especially your children, and will certainly not help improve your relationship with you wife. If you do have kids, simply tell them that both you and your wife love them and that everything will work out. Take a similar approach with shared friends. Simply articulate that you hope to work things out, and that you love and respect your wife. If you do get back together, your relationship will only be complicated by anything negative you’ve said about your wife. If you’re still in love with her, act like it!
Be patient.
Remember that your marriage didn’t happen all of the sudden. Neither will winning your wife back. Focus on the process of identifying specific issues with your relationship, addressing them one at a time, and re-establishing a healthy bond with your wife. Understand that this will likely take time. Do not overreact to tumultuous periods. A rough conversation, a night apart, even a string of cold-shoulders does not mean your marriage is doomed. Rough patches do indicate the need for some improved communication – but that may be enough to rekindle your marriage!
Commit to open, honest, and heartfelt dialogue.
Many sources of relationship tension can be addressed by better communication. Improved communication starts with honesty. When the opportunity to speak with your wife presents itself, be ready to share the things you feel strongly about, both good and bad. Be particularly honest about the things you believe were detrimental to your marriage before the distance grew between you. For example, if you stepped out of the relationship, you'd want to be open and honest about that infidelity. Be sure to include both the reasons you want to win her back, and the reasons you believe your relationship can be a source of healthy, shared happiness for both of you. Don’t avoid any conversations that need to happen. Don’t deny or ignore any past detrimental behavior – either your own or your wife’s. Give your wife plenty of space to process your conversation, especially if you discuss something upsetting.
List specific strengths and things to work on in your relationship together.
It can be incredibly helpful to literally make a list. Make sure to include everything—this means the good, the bad – and even the ugly. Organize your own thoughts, and prepare yourself to clearly share them with your wife by getting them out on paper. Make specific lists of the things you love about your wife and your relationship with her. Also list the things that frustrated you about your previous lives together. If you’re still speaking, and she may be willing to do so, ask her to do the same and share the lists with one another. This will likely lead to some serious, but important conversations.
Forgive, apologize, and try to forget.
These 3 steps are important to getting your relationship back on track. If you actually want to win your wife back and have a healthy relationship together, you’ll both need for forgive one another for those aspects of your past that led to the distance between you. Remember—a good apology is all about acknowledging the actions that you've committed. If you were apologizing for cheating, you'd want to say "I'm sorry for stepping out of this relationship and cheating" rather than "I'm sorry for my actions." Improved communication – and the honesty it leads to – will necessitate that you both accept responsibility for ways you may have hurt each other in the past. Whether your wife has done and said things that have hurt you, or has been holding onto things you’ve done that hurt her – work to reconcile past wrongs by speaking about them together. In the event your wife has consistently mistreated you, you need to strongly consider why you want to get back together.
Be honest with yourself.
Your current separation might indicate a good reason for some distance between you and your wife. If the separation has been longstanding, or if your divorce has already been completed, this is all the more indication that there were serious issues with your relationship. It is incredibly hard to deal with separation, particularly when you aren’t ready to let go. However, you may simply need to do so. Speak with close friends and family members about how you’re feeling. They will remind you that you are loved (likely without even saying it), and help you work through the emotional turmoil of separation.
Avoid desperate behavior.
You don’t want to risk pushing your wife further away by being too aggressive or desperate while trying to win back her love. Similarly, you don’t want to let yourself become overly vulnerable, constantly complain, or let yourself go – none of these developments will help you win your wife back. Remind yourself that her attitude towards you depends on your current behavior. Calmness is both more mature and more attractive than any behavior that might qualify as craziness. Remove yourself from a conversation or location when you feel yourself begin to slip emotionally.
Do not call or text incessantly.
If your wife won’t answer your calls, it’s easy to become worried. It’s very hard to acclimate to a spouse actively keeping you at a distance, but remind yourself that you can’t control your wife’s behavior. After you’ve called once or twice and she hasn’t returned your calls, leave her a voicemail or text saying you’re hoping to hear back from her soon. Quit calling and texting. Try not to worry about what she is doing. Don’t allow yourself to imagine worst-case scenarios. Recognize that she may simply need some space.
Give her space.
It may seem counterintuitive and it may be hard to do, but it's important. Giving your wife some space will give you both the time opportunity to think things over. Verbalize your intent by saying something like, “We both need time to think, and I respect that.” Demonstrate your confidence and independence by acknowledging the current distance between the two of you, and stepping back before doing anything that might make things worse.
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