- Communication is a big issue is many struggling marriages. Openly communicate with each other and avoid criticism, defensiveness, and hostility.
- If your husband intentionally withholds affection or intimacy from you, that could be a bad sign. Contempt is the arch-nemesis of intimacy.
- Keep in mind that there are tons of reasons your husband's behavior might change. Work and other stresses might also cause disconnection.
He’s distant and closed-off.
If your husband is giving you the cold shoulder, there might be a problem. This might mean that he's not engaging with you as regularly, or he stops asking about your day. Though this can be a sign that he's losing feelings, there are also plenty of circumstances that can make him feel temporarily disassociated from your marriage. He might be overwhelmed at work or working through a past trauma, and it might have nothing to do with your relationship. If your husband is putting up walls, see how you can help tear them down. Sharing vulnerabilities is a great way to rebuild lost connections.
You constantly argue with each other.
Regular fighting usually means there’s a communication issue. If you and your husband are disagreeing about every little thing, that might weaken your relationship and be a sign that he's feeling disconnected. On the other hand, it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. In fact, odds are you understand what the other is saying; it’s just how you’re saying it that’s the problem. Poor communication can cause both of you to feel undervalued. However, strong communication can transform relationships. When you two learn to speak to each other kindly and effectively, you’ll notice a whole lot of other things becoming easier too! Before you start another argument, try identifying the “4 horsemen of communication:” stonewalling (removing yourself from the conversation when you feel uncomfortable), criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. Avoid these in your conversation to communicate more effectively. “I feel” statements make a world of difference! Next time you argue, rather than beginning a sentence with “you ____,” try alternating to “I feel you _____.” This helps prioritize emotions and avoid accusations.
Your conversations feel hollow.
Talking often doesn’t always mean that you're really connecting. If conversations with your husband feel dull and mechanical, it may be a sign that one or both of you is feeling bored. Boredom can be a sign that he's less invested, but on the other hand, boredom is totally normal in long term relationships (even healthy ones. Think about the last time you two were fully engaged with each other and use that memory as a starting place to create more fulfilling interactions. A great way to deal with current relationship boredom is to try something new together. It can be a class, a vacation to a place you’ve never been, even a new TV show! Just make sure you’re trying new things together.
He’s not physically affectionate.
Physical touch is one of the five essential love languages. If he stops hugging you, kissing you, and holding your hand (or if he only seems to do so out of obligation), this could be a red flag. Physical intimacy doesn’t just exist in the bedroom, and in general, this is a big way that the people we love can show how much they care. So if he stops trying, that might signal an issue. But now that you've identified the issue, you can work to fix it. The more ways you can find passion in non-sexual physical gestures, the more you’ll notice passion in other areas. Try being playful. Instead of forcing a meaningful hug, try getting silly with a tickle fight or lighthearted wrestling match on your bed. Humor can make the whole thing feel like less pressure, which will make you both more open.
He no longer talks about the future.
A loving marriage should be considered a lifelong commitment. Planning for future events is a key part of building your life together. If your husband constantly skirts conversations about your life later down the line, or if he uses the word “I” instead of “we” when referring to future goals, he may not be thinking about you two as a long-term team. That said, commitment issues are actually common in marriages, especially for people with a family history of divorce, abuse, or abandonment. And if he has these issues, it doesn't mean that he's got one foot out the door, just that commitment might feel scary and take extra work. Consider seeking a couples’ therapist to help work through his struggle to commit and show him you’re all in. Sometimes, taking a walk down memory lane can help him overcome commitment fears. Creating a lasting future is predicated on being reminded why you two got together in the first place.
He makes no time for you.
Quality time is a love language, and it shows that you care. If you don’t have quality time together, it can make both of you feel unloved. Or, if it seems like he has the time, but he's not offering it to you, that could be the sign of a deeper issue. That said, life is busy. Especially when work and children are involved, it can be difficult to schedule some alone time. The best way to remedy this problem is to start small. Even a half hour at night can make a world of difference. If conversation feels too intimate for either of you, consider doing an activity while you talk like playing a video game, cooking a meal, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle.
Conversations feel like walking on eggshells.
Romantic partners should be able to speak freely together. If conversations with your husband feel like you’re tip-toeing around touchy subjects, or if either of you are holding back your emotional truth to avoid argument, something might not be right in your relationship. It’s important to confront this issue so you two can get back on the same page. Being direct about your feelings is both the more empowering and more effective option when dealing with communication issues. Walking on eggshells is often a defense mechanism from past trauma. Next time you feel like playing peacemaker instead of expressing yourself organically, think back to where this reaction is coming from and what your emotional truth actually feels like.
He stops having sex with you.
Sexless marriages can cause (and be caused by) shame and resentment. If your husband refuses to be physically intimate with you, then he might be feeling disconnected in some other way. This could be a sign that one or both of you isn't feeling quite the same spark, though that's absolutely not always the case. Periods of sexlessness are normal in a marriage and there’s lots of reasons that may be causing this drought: mismatched libidos, mismatched fantasies, low self-esteem, loss of momentum. Don’t assume the worst just yet! When in doubt, communicate! Part of sex’s complicated power over us comes from us feeling like we can’t talk about it. Discussing your sex life freely will lead to more satisfying experiences.
He stops saying “I love you.”
Those three simple words can help show devotion to your partner. Like physical affection and acts of service, words of affirmation are a key love language. If it seems like he's not saying those magic words as often, or if he seems less connected to the words he's saying, that could signal a bigger issue. It doesn’t always mean the worst, though. Over time, it’s normal (especially in periods of stress) for people in relationships forget the little things. Before jumping to conclusions, talk to him about his omission of the “L” word. There’s a chance it might not even be intentional. Sometimes, our overuse of the word “love” can make it sound less meaningful. While it may sound counterproductive, consider trying to limit your usage of this word to a few times a day so you can restore its impact when saying it to each other.
He prefers to handle things alone.
In healthy marriages, you and your partner should feel like a team. You take on the world as a unit, not individually. If your husband has cut you out of decision-making or refuses to tell you about problems, that might be a sign that he's not thinking of you two as a team anymore. However, it also may just come from him feeling unsupported. He may be putting pressure on himself because he doesn't trust others to look out for him. Mending your trust issues here is a good place to start. Sometimes, remedying these problems is as easy as telling him you support him. Have a conversation and try to affirm that you have each other’s backs, no matter what. Simple phrases like “how can I help?” and “we’re in this together” go a long way in terms of affirmation.
He has unrealistic expectations.
Unrealistic expectations are the enemy of a healthy romance. If your husband has expectations of you or you two as a couple that can’t reasonably be met: that you complete each other, that he’s responsible for your happiness and vice versa, and/or (and this is a big one) that he’ll always feel the way he did when you first got married, he might be setting your partnership up for failure.. It’s important to talk through these expectations. Letting each other know that just being together is enough will remove a lot of the pressure Unrealistic expectations are unfortunately common. Studies even show that the media we consume gives us unhealthy beliefs about what marriage should look like (“love conquers all,” intimacy all the time, etc). Communication is the MVP when it comes to expectations, too. Being clear about what you want from loved ones and vice versa makes it easier to live up to those standards.
He’s doesn’t seem to care.
If he's feeling less connected to you, he'll be more likely to give up. While fighting can be a bad sign in its own right, getting into arguments occasionally is healthy. It shows you’re trying to work through things as a couple and that you're invested. If your husband refuses to agree or disagree, refuses to spend time together as a couple, seems stuck in his tracks when it comes to your relationship, this may be cause for concern. However, apathy is not always a marriage problem. There’s a chance your husband might also be suffering from depression. If he seems like he’s given up on everything (not just the relationship), see a professional to get him some help. Overcoming depression is a multi-step process. Most people remedy the issue with a combination of activity, therapy, and medication. However, taking small steps like journaling and getting outdoors more are a great starting point. While it’s important to be there for your loved ones when they have depression, do not put the responsibility of your husband’s well-being on yourself. Caretaker burnout will only make things harder on both of you, so prioritize your emotional needs too.
He takes you for granted.
To love someone, you have to really value them too. If your husband refuses to show his appreciation for you, that’s a possible red flag. Maybe he refuses to acknowledge your opinion. Maybe he expects you to do everything he wants to do. You should feel like your husband truly knows and respects you (and you deserve to feel that way!). It’s normal for couples over time to forget to show gratitude every now and then, but over time this can lead to contempt, which is a major sign of an unhappy marriage. Avoid being taken for granted by setting boundaries for yourself and focusing on your needs. Ask yourself before you do something for him: “do I want to do this or do I feel like I have to?”
You suspect he’s cheating.
If he's willing to break your vows, then that might say a lot. He’s hiding things from you. He’s weirdly protective and secretive about his phone. He’s regularly spending time with people that aren’t you. Maybe, you've started to suspect that he's having an affair. While cheating doesn’t always equate to a lack of love, it is disrespectful (and, maybe to you, unforgivable). How you choose to deal with his infidelity is entirely your choice, but remember that anger and insecurity are normal. Allow yourself a necessary grieving period. Affairs don’t have to be physical. If he shows affection to someone and hides them from you, that can be considered emotional cheating. If he’s having an affair, you have a right to know. He may try to minimize the situation or refuse you proof that you’re entitled to. Remember to stand your ground and that your feelings are valid.
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