What is asexuality?
Asexuality is when someone experiences little to no sexual attraction. Brady explains that to be asexual means to be someone who’s “not sexually driven.” Typically, asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction or urges toward others. However, because asexuality is a spectrum, some people who identify as ace may experience sexual attraction on rare occasions. Hakanson adds that “there are lots of different types of asexuality.” Like many sexualities, it’s a spectrum of experience, rather than an unchanging, static identity. For example, aromanticism is when someone doesn’t experience romantic attraction toward others, which is different from sexual attraction. Romantic attraction is emotional, while sexual attraction is more physical. Someone who’s asexual might not be aromantic, and vice versa. Also, an asexual person can still have sex, but they usually don’t actively desire or pursue it. Someone who doesn’t experience sexual or romantic attraction may identify as aroace.
Signs You Might Be Asexual
Talk or thoughts of sex make you uncomfortable, or you just find it boring. According to our Am I Asexual Quiz, 37.6% of respondents said that thinking about sex made them uncomfortable. This is a common experience among asexual people. If you find yourself avoiding sexual topics in conversation, or redirecting your thoughts when they wander into sexual territory, you might be asexual. 39.6% of people said "I’ll play along and act engaged, but I can’t personally relate," when asked how they respond to friends talking about hookups or crushes. Not all asexual people are uncomfortable when it comes to the topic of sex. Many asexual people are just indifferent or don’t care much about it. In our Am I Aroace Quiz, 43.4% of respondents said they weren’t interested in sexual conversations. When asked about interest in sex, 54.1% of readers said that they weren’t excited or interested in the topic. Also, you might feel confused about why sex seems so important to other people, or why they talk about it so much. Feeling uncomfortable talking about sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re asexual, however. There are lots of reasons someone might feel uncomfortable, including their past experiences or the way they were raised. Meet the wikiHow Experts Denise Brady is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Long Beach, CA, with 15 years of experience. Cath Hakanson is a global sex educator with over 25 years of experience. She believes that parents should be able to educate their children about sex in a shame-free and fear-free way. Dr. Jessica Swenson is a Community Psychologist & Licensed Clinical Therapist with over 10 years of experience. She specializes in relationships—both romantic and familial.
You enjoy intimacy, but aren’t interested in getting sexual. When polled, 41.4% of people said they enjoy things like hugging and cuddling, but don’t care to get sexual. Asexual people know that feeling well. Being asexual doesn’t mean you don’t like physical contact, just that you’re not interested in making that contact sexual. Many asexual people do, in fact, have sex, but don’t find it particularly enjoyable or engaging. Many asexual people have sex to satisfy their partners, even if they’re not interested in it themselves. In addition, many asexual people do have sexual desires, like the desire to masturbate, but they don’t have those desires for or with other people.
Sex isn’t a priority in your romantic relationships. In our Am I Asexual quiz, 33.2% of respondents said “sex isn’t a priority for me at all.” That’s also a common experience for asexual people! While sex might be a big want for other people, it’s low on the list of must-haves for asexual people, if it’s on the list at all. Global sex educator Cath Hakanson confirms, “Some people who are asexual may still be interested in having romantic relationships.” Asexual people often prioritize emotional connection, stability, vulnerability, and other forms of connection in their relationships instead of sex. When asked about how users imagine a future relationship, 39.1% responded, "I can picture a close emotional relationship without anything sexual." When asked how important sex is in a romantic relationship, 23.6% of people said that sex isn’t important to them at all, according to our Sexuality Quiz.
You’re not super interested in people’s looks. In our Sexuality Quiz, 39.5% of people said they don't usually pay attention to people's bodies in the media they watch. For asexual people, the same might be true for in-person encounters, as well. While many people are attracted to others’ looks, asexual people often don’t much care about physical attraction and prioritize emotional connection. Of course, that’s not a hard-and-fast rule! You might be asexual and still appreciate someone’s looks or aesthetics, but not feel sexually aroused by those looks. In our polling, 46.3% of people said they can see why someone might be attractive, but they don’t feel attracted to them.
You don’t really get crushes on people. When asked about the last time they had a crush, 28.18% couldn’t think of a time. Similarly, 42.3% said they don’t have a celebrity crush. That’s pretty normal for asexual people! Often, our crushes are based on sexual desires, but asexual people who don’t have those desires might not form crushes as easily. That’s not to say they can’t or don’t, just that it doesn’t happen quite as often, since the sexual component isn’t really there. Instead, an asexual person’s crushes are often based on emotional or personal connections, rather than physical attraction. For more signs of asexuality and further discussion, check out our other article on the topic: How to Know if You Are Asexual. Or, take our helpful Am I Asexual Quiz.
Embracing Your Asexual Identity
Understand that your sexuality is fluid, not set in stone. “Sexual orientation and preferences are subjective to the person that's experiencing them,” sex therapist Dr. Jessica Swenson tells us. “So, you know, there's not a clinical test.” Your identity is what you make of it, and you should use whatever label feels right to you. At the same time, understand that those labels might change over time. That’s normal! You might be ace for the rest of your life, or you might discover something new about your relationship to sex sometime in the future. Stay open-minded, but in the meantime, feel free to embrace the ace label if it speaks to you. Hakanson says, “I think it's important to understand what part of you is asexual, because there are different aspects of life and relationships. If you're navigating dating while being asexual, it’s important to understand what you do or don’t want from dating. Is it a platonic thing? Are you trying to find companionship, or someone to hug, kiss, and hold hands with?” If you want to discuss the possibility of being asexual with other aces, take a look at our "This Quiz Said I'm Asexual. What Does That Mean for Dating?" forum.
Share only as much info about yourself as you want to. “Do what’s right for you,” Hakanson emphasizes. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to. Your identity can be as private or as public as you like. Of course, you might want to express yourself to potential partners, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to change yourself for them. “If you’re starting a new relationship with someone, be clear about your preferences upfront,” Hakanson advises. “It really comes down to knowing what you want out of a relationship and being upfront and honest about it. Most dating situations start with the assumption that the relationship may eventually lead to sex. If you’re asexual—whether you don’t want sex or don’t enjoy it—you should be honest about that.” You might say, “Just so you know, I’m asexual, so sex is off the table for me, but I like being intimate in other ways,” or, “I’m down to have sex, but I’m asexual, so it’s not my priority.” If someone presses you about having sex, you might say, “Sorry, I’m not interested in sex in general. Can we get to know each other in other ways?”
Check out these helpful resources for more information. There are numerous online resources to read and explore when it comes to understanding asexual identities. Whether you or a loved one is asexual, it’s always good to read up and educate yourself so that you know how to relate to others—and to yourself! Take a peek at some of these trusted sources: LGBTQ Center at UNC Chapel Hill’s Asexuality, Attraction, And Romantic Orientation Explainer UNSW Student Life’s Talking About Asexuality Advocates For Youth’s Guide to Asexuality
What’s the difference between asexuality and low libido?
People with low libido still sometimes experience sexual attraction. Low libido is simply a waning or reduced interest in sex, and is pretty common—about 1 in 5 people experience it. People with low libido still often experience sexual attraction, but have little desire to act on it. There’s a lot of overlap with asexuality, yes, but the biggest difference is the change in sexuality—someone with low libido may experience fluctuations, and their low libido is unusual for their lifestyle, but for someone with asexuality, a disinterest in sex is more of a long-term experience. Low libido can be caused by many things, like chronic diseases, mental health issues, or physical barriers like menopause or pain. Meanwhile, asexuality often doesn’t have a “cause”—it’s just part of your identity and consistent experience as a person. If you’re trying to tell the difference between low libido and asexuality, ask yourself if your lack of sex drive is persistent and relatively unchanging, like with asexuality, or if it’s something that’s temporary, or that changes and evolves over time, like with low libido.
How do demisexuality and graysexuality compare to asexuality?
Demisexuality Demisexuality is similar to asexuality, but with a key difference, which is that someone who’s demisexual only experiences sexual attraction after forming a deep connection with someone. Meanwhile, an asexual person usually never experiences sexual attraction, no matter how deep their connection with someone. Dr. Swenson reminds us that sexual preferences and identities “can change every day,” and to use whatever label “fits for you.” If you think you might be demisexual, take our Am I Demisexual? quiz to gain more insight.
Graysexuality Graysexuality is much closer to asexuality, but has more to do with how often you experience sexual attraction. Graysexual people only experience sexual attraction once in a while, or very rarely, but it is there. Asexual people, however, may never experience sexual attraction. Many asexual people also identify with the graysexual label. Sexuality isn’t rigid or unchanging, and it’s important to use whatever label feels best to you!
Asexuality FAQs
Is asexuality a choice? No, asexuality is not a lifestyle choice. Like being gay, straight, or bisexual, it’s an experience that a person is often born with or that they discover over time. While some asexual people may choose to have sex, or choose not to have sex, the lack of sexual desire itself is not a choice. In addition, asexuality is not something to “get over,” like a phobia. Asexual people also aren’t “just waiting for the right person.” These attitudes are insensitive and problematic, and can even put asexual people in danger.
Are asexual people LGBTQ+? Many would say that, yes, asexual people are LGBTQ+, and fall under the “Queer +” part of the acronym. The LGBTQ+ community holds many different people with many different experiences, and is meant to be an accepting place for people to discuss their sexuality and gender. Since asexuality has to do with someone’s sexual experiences and expression, asexual people are right at home within the community. Some argue that asexual people don’t experience the same oppression as others in the community, but trying to boot them out of the community because of this is, in itself, a form of discrimination.
How common is asexuality? Very common! According to a study by the UCLA Williams Institute in 2019, 1.7% of all people identify as asexual. That might not seem like a very large percentage, but when you remember that there are about 8 billion people on earth, that percentage translates to a whopping 136 million people who identify as asexual.
Comments
0 comment