How to Be a Good Child

Behaving Appropriately

Accept your responsibilities. It is easy to say that a good child listens to their parents (and other authority figures) and does what they are told. While this is normally true, it is more important that children learn to take responsibility for what they need to do. As a child who strives to be your best, you need to accept that there are things you have to do, for the benefit of yourself and others. The goal of being a good child is not really about giving your parents a little less grief (though they will welcome that). Good children learn qualities that will help them become happy, successful, “good” adults. For example, you need to take responsibility for doing your homework and completing your chores, without constant reminders or resistance. This will help you to become more self-motivated, self-sufficient, and successful in work and life as an adult.

Manage your emotions. Every one of us (including adults) sometimes gets angry, frustrated, whiny, or stressed out. There is no way to deny or avoid these emotions and it would be unhealthy to do so anyway. However, you can work on recognizing and managing your emotions more effectively. Learning to control anger is one of the most important lessons for children. When you feel anger welling up, simple steps like taking deep breaths, in the nose and out the mouth, and counting to five can help you calm and contain it. Then you can think more clearly about what caused the anger and what you can do differently next time to manage it. Uncontrolled anger is not always the cause of bad behavior, though. Sometimes kids act out when they are upset, sad, confused, or lonely. You might experience these emotions if you've been bullied in school, left out of a group activity, or rejected by a friend. When you feel down, talk to an adult you trust. If you can talk to your parents about your emotions, it can improve your relationship with them. There is no shame in seeking help from a counselor or other expert if you need it, though.

Be honest and trusting. “Good boys and girls tell the truth.” You may have heard this said to you, and it is usually true. But the bigger picture is that honesty is a key part of building relationships based on trust. This will benefit you as a child and as an adult. Healthy relationships require trust, and trust is built on honesty. You may want to lie to your parents in order to avoid punishment or avoid hurting their feelings. This usually doesn't work, though, and it will get in the way of developing a more mature relationship with them. No matter how upset parents may become when hearing the truth — you failed a test because you didn’t study, stole a candy bar from the store, made fun of a vulnerable classmate, etc. — they will also feel some pride in your choice to be honest. It is an important sign of growth and trust.

Expect imperfection and learn from your mistakes. Even the best kids make plenty of mistakes. It is part of growing up, and simply of being human. The important thing is what you do with your imperfections. Learning from mistakes is a sign of maturity and is sure to be appreciated by your parents. If you did poorly on a big test because of a lack of preparation, are you ready to accept the importance of studying? If you were grounded for talking back to your mother in public, do you now understand the importance of showing respect? When a thoughtful, maturing child makes such mistakes, she learns from them and moves forward better off for it. Even the most demanding parents will accept some mistakes from their children, especially if they are not repeated mistakes. All parents love seeing evidence of growth and maturity in their children. Learning from a mistake instead of repeating it is always a positive sign.

Learn to solve problems yourself. Children who are seen as "bad" because of bad behavior often have trouble dealing with their problems in the proper way. Confusion and frustration often lead to bad decisions. But being able to recognize and solve problems puts you on a path toward self-reliance and confidence. Remember how proud your parents were when you put a puzzle together by yourself, or wrote your own name? Even when you learned to unlatch the kitchen cabinet and made a giant mess everywhere, there was probably some pride mixed in because parents know the importance of self-reliance and problem solving skills in the adult world. For kids, problems often result from a conflict with another kid. For a kid-friendly guide to conflict resolution, consider visiting http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&np=287&id=1521. Its problem-solving steps include: Understand. Let each person involved clearly express the problem as they see it. Avoid making things worse. Don't scream, insult, or take physical action against the other kid(s), no matter how upset you are. Stay calm and work through the problem. Work together. Explain how you feel about the conflict by saying something like "I feel angry when ..." or "I need to feel ...". Then listen carefully while the other children involved speak. Find the solution. Brainstorm different possible solutions together, and choose the one that best meets the needs of everyone involved.

Know when to ask for help. As we just discussed, learning to recognize and solve problems yourself is an important skill for kids (and adults). But, just as important is being able to recognize and accept when you need help dealing with a problem. It doesn't help you to "quit" on your math homework without trying to figure it out yourself. But it is also not useful to refuse to ask for help when you need it because you insist on doing everything yourself. No child (or adult) can solve every problem herself. Your parents want to give you assistance when you need it, and will see your willingness to ask as a positive sign. Don’t expect them to solve every problem for you though — that is a sign of immaturity. How do you know when to keep trying to solve a problem yourself, and when to ask for help? There is no secret formula; you have to trust yourself to make the decision. Have you given the problem your best effort? Are you out of ideas for how to deal with it? If so, then it is probably time to ask for assistance.

Showing You Care

Treat others like you want to be treated. Many people call this the “golden rule,” and it really is a valuable rule to live by. For children, acting toward your parents, friends and family, and other people with this guide in mind demonstrates thoughtfulness and maturity on your part. Before you join in picking on a kid in class, think about how you would feel in his shoes. Or, before throwing a tantrum over a request from your mother to help out with the laundry, consider how you’d feel if you needed a hand and she wouldn’t help you. Good children treat their parents with respect. They treat other people the same way, which also shows respect for their parents. You can earn respect by first showing it. Difficult as it may be, this rule applies to how you should treat your little brother (or big sister) as well!

Learn to recognize how other people are feeling. If you know how other people are feeling and are likely to react, you will have a great advantage in deciding how you should behave in that situation. For instance, if your parents are stressed out about how they are going to pay the bills for the month, it is probably not the best time to ask for a video game or new shoes. Or, if your brother is upset about not making the baseball team, it probably isn’t the best time to rib him about his lack of athletic skills. You can actually practice "reading" people’s emotional states by studying their faces. Go to a public place like a shopping mall, for example, and practice trying to identify how strangers are feeling by their facial expressions. Identifying how others are feeling is important in order to show empathy, which is at the heart of the first three steps here (treating others as you want to be treated, reading others' emotions, and showing compassion for others). Empathy, however, means more than that you can tell how someone else is feeling, and that you can "put yourself in their shoes." It means you value others and their feelings and treat them with respect, even when they see things differently than you.

Show concern and compassion. When someone is hurting, or needs a hand, take it upon yourself to do what you can to help. The world can always use more compassionate, helpful people. Why not start when you are still a child? Part of growing up is learning to expand your “circle of concern.” As a small child, you usually only think of your own needs and wants (a cookie, a new toy, etc.). When you get a bit older, you begin to think more about the feelings and needs of people close to you, like family and friends. Eventually, you should begin to realize that there are people in need all around you. Think about any little things you can do to help, from raising awareness to volunteering to making changes in your own life. For example, think about the good you can do simply by donating the extra cans and boxes in your kitchen cupboard to a food pantry that helps the less fortunate. You can show compassion in your daily life by standing up for a kid who is being bullied, and asking him to be your friend (maybe by simply saying, "Do you want to play with me?). Or, you can ask your parents to buy an extra meal at the fast food drive-thru and hand it to the homeless person you drove past on the way to the restaurant. Even the small things you do can have a large impact on someone else's life.

Offer gratitude to those who help you. As you become more aware of how you can help others, you should also become more aware of all the people that help you. Let them know you appreciate all they do for you. This is definitely a “good child” quality, and an important part of maturing into a responsible and happy person. As a child, you should always start your offers of gratitude with your parents. Take a moment and think about all the things they do for you. Write down a list if you need to. A gift or other token of appreciation will be well-received, but simply offering a “thank you” from time to time will warm your parents’ hearts. To "raise the bar" on your show of gratitude, express exactly why you are giving thanks: "Thank you, Mom, for always taking the time to help me with my math homework. You have helped me improve my grades, and I appreciate it."