Investing in Your Relationship
Be open with your husband. Build trust by sharing your thoughts and feelings freely with him. Ask the same of him. Your relationship will grow in strength and health if you are honest with one another. Communicate your expectations with your spouse. Tell him what you need from him, and ask him to tell you the same. Understand that men and women have been created to be different, physically and emotionally. Each has a distinct role within a Muslim marriage but both should be mindful of Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa and remain focused on the Afterlife. Study the Qur'an and Sunnah to better understand your and your husband's rights and responsibilities under the Shariah to each other and to Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa.
Share responsibilities around the house. You don't both have to do all the same tasks, but make sure that you both take on the responsibility of making your home a clean and pleasant place. The Prophet ﷺ used to help with chores and all Muslim husbands should follow his example. Some partners may need to be reminded to help around the house. If your husband does not notice when things are messy, consider asking him to be in charge of particular chores.
Have fun together. Get out and enjoy life in the service of Allah Subhaha wa Ta'alaa! A good friendship makes for a happy marriage. Share what you like doing with your spouse, and explore what he enjoys as well. Find things you both like, and make regular dates to do those activities. Try new things together. You probably both have games, trips, sports or adventures you've wanted to do but haven't yet done. Take turns leading expeditions and organizing new activities. Try to prioritize Sunnah activities like horse riding and archery over activities that have no Islamic benefit. Have fun at home. If you have kids, play with them and read the Qur'an and stories of the Prophets of Islam together. Think up new ways to entertain them with your husband. Teach your kids about Islam. Help them to understand that developing their relationship with Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa is the key to success in this life and the next. Teach them to pray, study the Qur'an and practice the religion.
Argue gently. All couples occasionally have disagreements. Try not to let them escalate into yelling or name-calling as this is unIslamic. Take deep breaths, stay calm, and use "I" statements when you are in an argument. For instance, if you are angry, say "I feel upset that…" instead of saying "You're mean and you make me angry!" The Prophet ﷺ said to his wife Hazrat Ayesha, "Show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it.” Break rising tension by reminding yourself (and your husband) to avoid the influence of the Shaytan. Say something like, "Love, let's not give in to the Shaytan. Can we discuss this when we are both calm?" Pick your battles. Not everything that annoys you is worth a confrontation.
Discuss children. Develop a shared understanding with your partner about the desired size of your family and how they will be raised. Procreation is strongly encouraged in order to help build the Muslim population and spread Islam, but if you do not want children, you are not obliged by Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala to have them. When you decide your are ready to have children, discuss with your spouse how best to raise your children in the love and service of Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa. Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa has entrusted the raising of future generation of Muslims with us, so we will be asked about it on the Day of Judgement and it will play a major part in determining our destiny in the Afterlife. One of the most important decisions is how your children will received their Islamic education. Madrassa after secular school, full-time Islamic school and homeschooling are all good options. Whichever way, make sure that they are brought up in a Shariah-compliant home, practice what they learn from the Qur'an and learn to focus on the Afterlife.
Showing Your Love
Show your affection. Everyone needs tenderness from others. Express your affection to your husband in the ways that come naturally to you. Find out what your loved one responds to, and show him love in this way. If your husband likes physical affection, kiss and hug him when you greet him. If he likes to be told that you love him, tell him freely. If your spouse responds to compliments, look for something to compliment him about every day. Some husbands love gifts. Arrange treats that are special to him.
Communicate your appreciation. Show your gratitude for everything good he does for you. Express your pleasure in his company. When he accomplishes something he is proud of, congratulate them and tell him that he made you proud too. Affirm his feelings. Leave him love notes and thank-you notes, but remember that all blessings come from Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa, so say "Alhamdulillah" when you see something that makes you feel grateful. Consider other ways of showing appreciation, such as helping him out with a task he is stuck on or offering to make dua for Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa to help him.
Enjoy your physical intimacy. Islam strictly forbids all sexual activity outside marriage but strongly encourages lawful spouses to invest in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Explore your desires with your spouse, and encourage them to be open with you about what they enjoy. Lovemaking should be undertaken with three intentions in mind—to avoid Allah's punishment for zina (adultery), to protect from the gaze of strangers and to procreate future generations of pious young Muslims to serve Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa. With these three intentions in mind, making love is not only an act of enjoyment but an act of worship (ibadah) that pleases Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa and will even help strengthen your faith (emaan). Flirt and enjoy foreplay, as Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa encourages you to do. Establish consent with your partner. You may speak while you share intimate moments, although excessive talk during lovemaking should be avoided. Ask for permission before initiating something new. Say what you enjoy, and ask your husband to stop if they are doing something you don't like or is forbidden in the Shariah. Mutual satisfaction and always seeking the pleasure of Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa are essential. At the time of commencing intercourse both husband and wife should recite "Bismillaah, Allahuma jannabnash shayTaana wa jannabish shayTaana maa razaqtanaa" - In the name of Allah, O Allah! Save us from the Shaytaan and prevent Shaytaan from that which you grant us (i.e. children). Your will be blessed if during intercourse you remain mindful of Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa in your heart, though it is makrooh (disliked) to make dhikr out loud at this time. At the time of ejaculation, you may say in your mind (but not out loud) "Allaahumma laa taj,’Al lish shayTaani feemaa razaqtanee naSeebaa" - O Allah! Do not grant Shaytaan any share of that which you have granted me". These duas are important as God-willing they will help protect any progeny from harm. Both husband and wife must perform ghusl (major ritual bath) janabat as soon as possible after intercourse and certainly before salah or reading the Qur'an. You may make dhikr (except reading Qur'an) in the intervening time before performing Ghusl and may wish to take the opportunity to make dua together to thank Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa for the gift of intimacy and to ask for pregnancy.
Be loving during breaks from sexual intimacy. While sexual intimacy is encouraged between spouses, there are some activities and times when penetrative sex is forbidden by the Qur'an. During Ramadan, abstain from sexual intimacy except at night between iftar and suhoor. Make sure you are rested and well-fed enough to enjoy the exertion! Remember that the reward for every good deed, including intimacy, is multiplied by 70 during Ramadan so be sure to take advantage of this. The Shariah prohibits intercourse during menstruation. However, cuddling, kissing, and caressing your husband to stimulate the emission of madiy are perfectly fine. He will always appreciate your touch, affection and understanding, but he must not attempt intercourse and you must not allow him. If your husband is away for an extended period, for example on a dawah (outreach) program, then maintain your chastity and seek Allah's reward by busying your mind reading and reciting the Qur'an, praying and fasting. Regular fasting is one of the best ways of developing self-control over the base desires. Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa is always watching so always be on guard to protect yourself from temptation by being mindful through setting yourself daily dhikr targets, for example 1000 Salawat, 1000 Istighfar, 1000 Tahlil etc. Otherwise, when in good health the wife is required under the Shariah to fulfill the husband's reasonable requests for conjugal relations (and similarly for the husband towards the wife), even if more than once in the night, or the Angels' curse will apply until the morning. If your husband exercises his Islamic right to marry a second wife (or even up to four), then say "Alhamdulillah" and try to find a way of making all the marriages work fairly. For example, accept that he may stay two nights with each co-wife in turn, pray for your co-wife's happiness and express gratitude to Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa when your turn comes.
Being Pious
See Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa in your spouse. Look for Allah's love in your spouse's words, deeds, and appearance. Appreciate the work your spouse does to remain close to Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa, and everything they do to bring you closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa as well. Remind your husband to stick to practices that brings him closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa, especially Sunnah acts of ibadah (worship). Always keep the Qur'an at the center of your marriage. Set aside some time to read and recite the Qur'an together every day. Ask your husband to remind you about the natural world, hygiene, exercise and other practices that help you feel in step with your faith. Study Islam together with your husband and try to implement what you learn in your home. Avoid unnecessary interaction or chit-chat with unrelated men (non-mahrams). If you do need to speak as a matter of necessity it should be done in a business-like manner and never in a room alone or the Shaytaan will be the third one present.
Pray. Prayer is an vital part of every Muslims daily routine of worship. Make dua for the health of your relationship. Ask Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa for guidance when you are experiencing difficulties with your spouse. Ask Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa for ideas on how to please your husband, and think about these questions actively when you are not in prayer. Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa loves to be asked for help and guidance, so always pray when you approach an important decision in your marriage. Set aside time after every fardh salat to pray for your husband and children. Thank Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa for having a Muslim family and ask for help to keep them strong in their faith. Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa will hear your prayer and will answer it in the way that is best for you, even though this may sometimes seem to involve hardship. Always acknowledge your sins to Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa, including those against your husband, such as forgetting to lower the gaze. If you ask for mercy and sincerely promise not to repeat them then Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala will always be inclined to forgive. Offset your sins against your husband with good deeds, such as praying additional voluntary prayers or fasting, just as you would if you sinned against Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa directly. If you wish to fast voluntarily, for example on Mondays and Thursdays, then you must seek your husband permission first, as he may will be required to avoid intimacy during the period of fasting.
Greet your husband with the traditional Islamic greeting. When you encounter your spouse, say "As-salaamu 'alaikum." Greet one another in this way to share your faith and celebrate your shared identity. Teach you children to use the Islamic greeting too.
Dress in a way that reflects your relationship with Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa, with your husband and with yourself. Modesty, cleanliness, and elegance are important in Islam and will be appreciated by a good husband. Dress to express your own faith and demonstrate your commitment to Islam. Familiarize yourself with the Islamic dress code and dress to please Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa by identifying yourself as a Muslimah. Some wives choose to take the additional step of covering the face (niqaab) as an act of religious devotion. This is something that many husbands find pleasing but it must be the wife's own decision. Brush your teeth with a miswak and gently wash your face every day.
Protect yourself. The Qur'an emphasizes the importance of compassion, respect, and equity in marriages. Being a dutiful and obedient wife does not mean that you must suffer abuse. The Qur'an and Sunnah set out very clear limits on how the husband must treat his wife. If you are being badly treated, suffering emotional, verbal, sexual, or physical abuse, you can divorce your partner. The Qur'an states that Allah dislikes divorce, but allows for it in the name of justice: "If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves. If the two break up, Allah provides everyone out of His abundance, for Allah is resourceful, wise." (4:128-130) Whilst the Muslim wife is normally required to obey her husband, this requirement is suspended in the case of a husband who is behaving in a way that opposes the will of Allah Subhana wa Ta'alaa. 4:34 sets out how a husband may help his wife return to the true path of Islam if she were to stray. It is not an excuse for violence.
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