Addressing the Issue
Identify and stop the “silent treatment.” Does your brother or sister fail to respond when you ask a question or make a remark? Intimidating and punishing others with silence is a common abusive tactic. On the surface, it may look like your sibling is ignoring you, but they are just purposely withholding attention in order to make a point or get you to do what they want. If this is happening to you, there are two ways you can handle it. You can call out your sibling for the silent treatment by saying “Hey, when you give me the silent treatment it destroys my positive feelings for you and makes me want to stay away. I want us to have a supportive relationship, and do not feel supported when you do that.” You can also try addressing the cause of the silence directly: “I can tell from your silence that you are mad at me. I want to talk about this and work through it. Please let me know when you are ready to do that.” You can appear relaxed and positive when faced with the silent treatment. In a gentle, friendly manner, smile or sigh when the person is punishing you with silence. Do this with the hope that, by not getting the negative response they were hoping for, (e.g. you getting angry, begging, or conceding to their demands), the person will eventually get tired of the act and stop.
Schedule a talk with no distractions. If your sibling's ignoring does not fall under the umbrella of the silent treatment, you will need to have a candid discussion with them to get to the bottom of it. Maybe your brother simply got a new girlfriend and doesn’t have as much time for you now. You’ll only know what’s going on if you ask. Say, “Joey, I really need to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?” Go to a place where you can speak undisturbed for a few minutes.
Use “I” statements. When you talk to your sibling about the ignoring, you want to take ownership for your own feelings and avoid making the person feel like you are blaming them. “I” statements are a good way to do this. Such statements decrease the other person’s potential of getting defensive. A “you” statement may sound like “You keep ignoring me and it’s making me mad.” This won’t lead to a productive discussion. Instead, start off with something like “I have been feeling ignored by you lately and it hurts. We used to have such a good relationship and now we hardly ever speak. What’s going on?”
Aim for a solution. The goal of your discussion is to figure out the underlying reason for the ignoring and, hopefully, come up with a plan to improve your relationship. Rather than dwelling for too long on the technicalities of why you are being ignored, it will be more helpful to focus on what you are going to do about it. Learning to solve problems together is a great way to initiate a stronger connection between you and your sibling. Assuming you both want the relationship to improve, try to come up with possible ways you can decrease your feeling ignored and increase your feeling connected. It may help for each of you to try and put yourself in the other’s shoes. Possible solutions may include giving your older sibling space when they get home from school to relax before initiating conversation. Another solution may include setting aside a few minutes each day to talk about how your individual days went.
Speak out against sibling bullying. There’s a chance your sibling is in a bad place emotionally or socially, which is causing them to purposely ignore or exclude you. If this is happening, discussing the problem with them and brainstorming the solution may not be effective. Although it’s rarely discussed, sibling bullying is a serious problem that can lead to negative consequences for the victim. If your brother or sister is using relational aggression to make you feel bad or left out, you need to tell someone. Go to your mom, dad, or a school counselor and explain what’s going on between you. You might say “My sister acts like I’m invisible. She never asks me to do things with her, and when I try to talk to her, she just ignores me. She even tells her friends not to speak to me when they come over. It’s been going on for a long time and it makes me feel really bad.”
See a therapist for emotional issues associated with estrangement. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes, when an adult sibling ignores you, there may not be anything you can do to fix the situation. Prolonged sibling rivalry, differing values and beliefs, or simply a major age difference can cause a sibling to sever ties with you. If you are trying desperately to connect with a sibling who has become estranged from you or the whole family, it may help to discuss your situation with a therapist.
Strengthening Your Bond
Work on chores together. Research has shown that when kids complete chores, it results in benefits like higher self-esteem, greater sense of responsibility and better frustration coping. Additionally, doing chores also helps you feel more connected to the family, and offers a wonderful opportunity to connect with your sibling over a shared task. When your parents assign a task for you to do individually, offer to help your sibling so that you have a chance to talk. Say, “Hey, we can get the garage cleaned much faster if I help Toby… Is that cool with you, Toby?”
Share a hobby. Although you and your sibling may have huge differences in your interests and personalities, you can get closer to a sibling who ignores you by showing interest in one of their hobbies. Participating in a shared hobby — or a newly discovered hobby — offers you the chance to work with your sister or brother and create lasting memories. Suggest to your brother or sister that you would love to start playing basketball, going swimming, or learning the guitar. If they are highly experienced, you may even ask if they could teach you. This gives you the chance to work with them, and them the chance to proudly display their skills. “I really admire your commitment to learning guitar. Can you spend a few hours each week teaching me?” Or, you can say “Hey, Rachael, I heard they are offering a new dance class at the Y. I thought it would be fun if you and I went. Are you interested?”
Be encouraging. A divide may exist between you and your sibling because you seem to live two separate lives with very little overlap outside of the family unit. Even if you and your sibling are completely different, you can foster a deeper bond by showing support for them. When you know your brother has a big chemistry test coming up, offer encouragement by saying "Hey, I know you're going to rock this test tomorrow." Or, even better offer to call out some terms for him to define and help him study.
Plan more family gatherings. If you and your sibling are adults who live in different households, it can be a challenge to find meaningful ways to connect. Use the entire family as a way to forge a deeper bond with your distant sibling. Plus, family gatherings offer a positive social experience for both adults and children. Make the suggestion that you would like to start having Sunday dinners together. Say, "Hey, everyone... I was thinking that it would be nice if we started eating dinner together on Sundays. I miss you guys and I want us to spend more time together." Then, use this opportunity to connect with the sibling who is ignoring you. You might suggest "Hey, Tom, why don't you join me in setting the table," in order to strike up a conversation with your sibling.
Show respect for your differences. Your sibling will have a deeper respect for you if you demonstrate that you respect them. Respect doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your sister or brother on every subject, or suck up to them. Instead, it means showing consideration for their feelings, privacy, personal space, interests, and beliefs. For example, if you tease your older sister about being a vegetarian, she’ll view you as immature or uninformed and persist to ignore you. If you show respect for her choice by asking more information or trying to understand her perspective, she may be less inclined to ignore you.
Improving Communication
Initiate conversation around their interests. One of the best ways to engage in conversation with another person is by showing genuine interest in them. How do you do that? You can stimulate conversation with others by talking about the things they like to talk about. People like to talk about themselves and their interests, so showing curiosity can get your sibling talking and deepen your bond. For example, if your brother is obsessed with Doctor Who, you might ask, “So, what’s you all-time favorite episode, and why?” Using an open-ended question format ensures that your sibling won’t just give a one-word reply. Plus, allowing your sibling to share more about something they’re passionate about makes them feel good about themselves and about you.
Check in. Sometimes silence is about not knowing how to bring up hurt feeling or difficult topics, or fear of being overwhelmed by such conversations and the emotions that come with them. If you can break down that barrier by checking in, it can help facilitate communication and stop silence. Try asking your sibling: “Is everything ok? You seem really quiet today.”
Practice active listening. The best listener is an active one. That is, someone who listens to understand rather than listening to reply. When you attempt to engage in conversation with your sibling, you want to make sure that they have your full attention. Follow the strategies for active listening and watch how communication between the two of you starts to improve. Active listening involves using body language and verbal cues to improve the communication process. Body language includes having an open and relaxed posture (e.g. arms and legs uncrossed), making occasional eye contact, turning towards your sibling, and giving visual cues such as nodding or smiling when appropriate. The verbal components of active listening include: Paraphrasing, or restating the message in a different way (e.g. Original message: “He told me I was a loser in front of everyone, so I ran to the nearest restroom. I cried for hours…” Paraphrase: “It sounds like you were very upset.”). Clarifying, or bringing greater understanding to vague aspects of the message (e.g. “Let me see if I heard you correctly. You’re saying…”) Showing empathy, or addressing the speaker’s emotional experience (e.g. “I get the sense that you felt humiliated when he said that in public.”)
Disagree respectfully. No matter how much you and your sibling have in common there will come a time when you disagree with one another. Disagreement does not have to be a bad thing. In fact, it can be an opportunity to learn more about each other and become more open-minded. Here’s how to disagree politely. Focus on the action or concept rather than disagreeing with the person as a whole. (Instead of saying "You're a jerk," try "I was really hurt by what you said.") Use “I” statements to express how you feel. Be an active listener when it’s time for the other person to talk. Avoid putting down the other person’s opinions or beliefs (e.g. “That’s silly!”) Take a deep breath. If you find yourself getting angry, take a few moments to return to a calm state.
Exercise patience. If your sibling has been ignoring you, you may feel desperate to re-establish or build a connection with them; however, you should allow your bond to deepen at its own pace. Forcing your sibling may seem inauthentic, so give them time to warm up to having a connection with you. As the relationship gradually deepens, be sure to celebrate the minor successes that you notice. For example, if your sister starts to stop by your room and chat for a few minutes after swim practice, pat yourself on the back. You two may not be staying up gossiping about your crushes just yet, but at least you’re making progress.
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