How to End a Fight with a Friend

Keeping Calm During a Fight

Stay calm during a heated argument. Fights with friends trigger a natural range of emotions—from rage to sorrow. While your feelings may be entirely justifiable, do not allow your emotional response to go unchecked. By remaining calm and quiet, you will minimize the risk of escalating the incident. Pause, take a few deep breaths, and relax. If you need to, step away from the situation until you feel calmer. Say something like: “I care about our friendship and don't want to say anything that I'll regret. Let's pick this up later when we're both feeling calm and rational." If the argument or harsh words have occurred by text, make it clear that you don't want to have or continue having a fight with them over text. Instead, call them to talk it through or ask if you can get together to talk about it in person instead.This will help to clear up any possible confusion texting may have caused.

Don’t retaliate when provoked. Anger, frustration, and jealousy are overwhelming emotions. When we allow these feelings to cloud our judgement, our actions and words can become destructive. Even though it is tempting to “get even,” seeking revenge may ruin any chance of reconciling with your friend or, at the very least, draw out the process. Wanting revenge is natural, but don't do it; you'll only feel worse. Instead, talk things out with your friend once both of your tempers cool. Tell yourself, “Getting even may seem like a good idea now, but later I will feel awful for hurting my friend.” Acknowledge what you're feeling right now and accept it. In this instance, accept that people are going to break your trust.

Vent in private, not on the internet. When you are fighting with a friend, it is natural to vent about the conflict. Today, many people turn to social media to air their complaints. Broadcasting your frustrations or sorrow on social media platforms, however, will only prolong the fight. Talk through the issue with a close, neutral confidant. If your friend posts on social media, don’t reply. You may even want to block them temporarily.

View the fight from your friend’s perspective. There are always two (or more) sides to every conflict. While it is easy to convince yourself that your version is the true version, this type of inflexible thinking may prevent you from reconciling with your friend. Viewing the issue from your friend’s point of view may make you revise your version of the story. Be open minded and receptive to what they have to say. Remember, you don’t have to agree with someone in order to empathize with them. Consider if your friend is experiencing difficulties in their personal, academic, and/or work life? Do these difficulties reveal anything about their negative behavior towards you? Consider how your actions made your friend feel. Did you do something to upset your friend? Did you break your friend’s trust first?

Discussing the Conflict with Your Friend

Find a time to meet with your friend. In order to move beyond the conflict, you and your friend need to discuss the issue. Ask your friend to meet with you—invite your friend to coffee, dinner, or a walk on the beach. Your proactiveness will show that you care about repairing the relationship. Insist that the conversation takes place face-to-face—if you and your friend can see each other’s facial expressions and body language, there is less room for misinterpretations. If your friend is not ready to meet, don’t push the issue. Give them a few more days to cool off and then ask again. Decline any offers to talk about your fight over the phone or social media platforms.

Remain calm throughout the discussion. When you and your friend meet, both of you may be experiencing very raw emotions. Your demeanor will set the tone for the entire discussion. Don’t let your negative emotions take control over of the situation—yelling, aggression, and defensive behavior will only derail the reconciliation. Be open-minded and prepared to have a dialogue. This means listening carefully to what they have to say and being respectful. When you feel yourself getting mad, stop talking and take several deep breaths. Count to ten or repeat a mantra, like “I am calm, cool, and collected." If you feel yourself getting too heated, excuse yourself for a moment and return when you feel calm. Think about why you're feeling this way. Was it a simple misunderstanding? How much control do you have over this? Use this time to gather and organize your thoughts—identify the source of your anger so that you can clearly articulate what you are upset about. Listen to what your friend repeats a lot––this is their story and their perspective coming through and is telling you what matters to them that you need to paid attention to.

Explain your feelings and actions. When you meet with your friend, do not make excuses or place the blame on them. Instead, accept responsibility for your role in the conflict. Focus on expressing yourself calmly and rationally. Use “I statements” to identify and take ownership of your feelings. Be as specific as possible. “I felt angry when you left me at the party.” Avoid the words “ought” and “should,” as well as the phrases, “I feel like___” and “I feel that__.” These transform I-statements into You-statements. Avoid yelling.

Allow your friend to openly share their feelings. After you have expressed yourself, allow your friend to share their emotions with you. It may be hard for you to hear what they say, but try not to interrupt. It is important that they feel heard and valued. Sit quietly and actively listen to what they are saying. When your friend is talking, put away all distractions, such as your phone or computer. Maintain eye contact with your friend. Lean forwards and tilt your head slightly to demonstrate that you are engaged. Mirror your friend’s body language.

Acknowledge that you heard and understand your friend’s perspective. After actively listening to your friend, set aside your point of view and desire to be right and empathize with them. Explaining the conflict from your friend’s perspective assure them that you were in fact listening. It also demonstrates that you are prepared to accept responsibility for your actions and prepared to move forward. ”I can see how my actions made you feel ____.” ”I didn’t realize I hurt you by ____.” Avoid the word “but.” This word indicates that you did not actually see the issue from your friend’s perspective. Instead, replace “but” with “and.”

Apologizing to Your Friend

Express regret for your actions. Begin your apology with a heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” Express your remorse with sincere and authentic words. Let your friend know that you regret that your behavior negatively impacted them. For example, you could say: “I am sorry that my actions hurt you” or “I apologize that I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself.” A false apology will not bring your conflict to a happy conclusion.

Take responsibility for your actions. You don’t have control over your friend’s actions, but you do have control over your behavior and reactions. Once you accept that your words and deeds, however minor, contributed to the conflict, you will stop justifying your poor behavior. Let your friend know that you recognize your role in the fight. For example, you could say: *I realize that showing up late was inconsiderate and hurtful” or “I know I waited too long to tell you that I felt hurt.” Do not tag an excuse or justification for your behavior onto this statement. Doing so will only negate your apology.

Offer to make amends for your behavior. In addition to saying “I’m sorry” and taking responsibility for your actions, you also need to make restitution for your actions. Let your friend know how you intend to make up for your behavior. Make sure your promises are sincere. For example, if you promise to care more about your friend's wellbeing, you could say: “I will do a better job of asking about your life and struggles.” Make sure that this promise is achievable. If it is something that will require lots of work on your part, tell your friend ahead of time.

Ask your friend for forgiveness and accept their response. Conclude your apology by asking for forgiveness. When you apologize, use phrases, such as “Please forgive me,” and “Can we move forward.” If your friend looks uncertain, you can reiterate that you take responsibility for your actions and you will strive to be a better friend in the future. Your friend has the right to either accept your apology or withhold their forgiveness. If your friend doesn’t instantly forgive you, give them some space and time to process your apology.