Identifying Signs of Romantic Interest
Differentiate between friendly behaviors and romantic overtures. A person can be nice to you and enjoy spending time with you without having a romantic relationship in mind, which can sometimes be confusing. Don’t assume that just because a girl is showing interest in you it is necessarily a romantic interest. Signs of romantic interest can often be subtle, and it’s a good idea to familiarize yourself with what to look for before you consider taking any further action. If she is focused on you stronger than a friend would normally be, does little things that are important for you, is always there for you, and doesn’t even try to date anyone else, these are signs that she might be in love with you.
Read her lips. Some girls will just come right out and tell you if they are interested in you as more than a friend, which is obviously the easiest way to determine romantic interest. While this reveal might be uncomfortable in the moment, this scenario is actually ideal, because it naturally facilitates an open discussion about the issue, which will give you the opportunity to express your own feelings (or lack thereof). Not everyone is comfortable with this type of direct communication, however, so you can’t assume that just because she hasn’t said anything that her intentions are purely platonic.
Evaluate her body language. Our bodies will often unknowingly give us away when we are romantically interested in someone. While no two people’s behaviors of attraction will be exactly the same, there are a few common things you’ll want to keep an eye out for when trying to figure out if a girl likes you. Eye contact: This can either be steady, or shy and coquettish. Our pupils will also dilate when we look at someone we like, as the brain is letting more light in so that we can more easily gather information about them. Mirroring behavior: When we are attracted to someone, often we will subconsciously mimic his or her mannerisms or way of speaking. Physical closeness: Usually we prefer people to be at least three feet away from us in social settings. When we like someone, however, the need for this distance diminishes. Posture: We tend to lean in towards people we like, and we’ll often sit or stand with our bodies turned slightly in their direction. We’ll also do things to make our posture more inviting or open, such as uncrossing our knees or arms. Body temperature: Our body temperature tends to increase when we are in the presence of someone whom we’re romantically interested in. We can become flushed and will inadvertently do things to help ourselves cool off. A man might roll up his sleeves or adjust his collar, while a woman may gather her hair away from the nape of her neck. Preening: Women, specifically, will often touch their hair without realizing it. It’s actually a rather primitive impulse; the small movement of lifting the hand to one’s head is enough to draw attention without being obvious. Attention span: Things we are genuinely interested in have the ability to hold our attention for longer spans of time, which is also the case for people we have a special interest in. Touching: Human touch releases a bonding hormone called oxytocin in our brains. When we like someone, we are compelled to touch him or her. Friends will touch each other while having a conversation, but with a romantic interest, the touching is often more frequent and lingering.
Avoiding Leading Her On
Be conscious of what your own body language is conveying. Try to not inadvertently act in the ways detailed in the last section of Step 1. Even if she is not explicitly aware of these particular behaviors, these behaviors are still capable of conveying attraction on a subconscious level. In particular you’ll want to avoid extended eye contact, excessive touching, and physical closeness, as they are usually seen as signs of flirting. On the contrary, pulling away and having a closed pose (like, with your arms folded) suggest that you are not interested.
Turn her down. Don’t agree to go on what might be perceived at dates or accept invitations to spend time together one on one. Politely decline, without making up an excuse as to why you’re unable to make it, and without suggesting an alternate day or time.
Don’t engage her more than is necessary. It’s important to think about how your own behavior might be interpreted before reaching out to her, and if you’re continuously initiating conversations, you might be giving her the impression that you are interested in deepening your relationship with each other. If you have a preexisting relationship where you interact with each other regularly, such as friends or coworkers, it doesn’t mean you should start ignoring her. Be pleasant, respectful, and responsive, but try to avoid excessive chitchat.
Talk casually with her about other girls. If you have a hunch that a girl might like you, but you’re not 100% sure, this can be a way of letting her know that you don’t see her that way without having to confront her about your suspicions. Don’t go into lengthy detail about your interest in other girls. If she does have an interest in you, this could cause her unnecessary emotion pain.
Offer to set her up with someone else. This is another way to give her the hint that you’re not interested in her romantically without having to initiate a direct conversation that might better be avoided. If you do offer this, however, make sure you actually have someone in mind! Don’t suggest it without the intention of following through, as this might further confuse her.
Directly Addressing Your Lack of Interest
Tell her the truth. It might not be enough to simply avoid certain behaviors. If you feel like her interest in you is persisting, or, worse yet, intensifying, the best thing to do is to be straightforward with her about your lack of interest. While it can a difficult conversation to initiate, being honest with her will help her to see the situation for what it is, rather than allowing her to continue stoking the false hope that maybe you feel the same way. It’s also not necessary to go into details about why you’re not interested. While it’s completely legitimate to not want to date someone because you don’t find them physically attractive, for instance, you don’t need to tell them this. Simply saying “I’m not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you” will usually do trick. Don’t offer an excuse that suggests things might work out between you sometime in the future. If you say something like “I’m still traumatized from my breakup last year”, “I’m just working too much right now to have a relationship”, or “I’m questioning my sexuality”, she might interpret them to mean that you’re potentially interested in her, as well, but the timing isn't quite right.
Be empathetic. Most people have had the unfortunate experience of being rejected by someone they like. Remember back to a situation in which you were on the opposite side of this equation. Think about what the other person said or did, and try to let your memories of this experience provide you with wisdom on how best to proceed. These questions are a good place to start: How did their actions make you feel? Were there certain things they did that made the experience worse for you? That made you feel angry, wounded, or embarrassed? Did they say anything that provided you with comfort, despite the emotional pain of rejection?
Respect her reaction. Rejection can make us feel a lot of different things, such as sad, hurt, confused, or embarrassed. Sometimes we even feel angry or deceived by the other person. Realize that an emotional response is a possibility, and be respectful if this is the case. Avoid teasing, criticizing, or belittling her. That said, it’s usually not a good idea to attempt to provide comfort for her, particularly physical comfort. This sort of intimate behavior can be confusing, and might make her feel like she’s receiving mixed messages. It’s also possible that she might ask you to refrain from contacting her for a certain amount of time, the best thing you can do is to honor her request for distance. You may even consider suggesting this if it feels like the emotions are running high. In the unlikely instance that the emotional response escalates into abusive or self-harming behaviors, however, it’s best to extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. If you are worried about her, contact a friend or family member of hers and ask them to check on her.
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