Handling Insults Effectively
Determine the person’s motive. Question the other person’s reasoning for the remark. Was the comment even intended to be an insult or was it a tongue-in-cheek statement meant to be taken lightly? The context can often help you determine whether an insulting statement is mean-spirited or simply blunt. Figuring out motive will help guide your response. If you are hanging out with friends or family, consider how you all usually communicate. Do you often gently tease on another as a form of affection? Was the comment stated in the middle of a heated discussion or during light-hearted conversation? If you are in a social event with strangers or casual acquaintances, consider the tone of what the person said. He or she may have been nervous to approach you and used a frivolous remark to start a conversation not knowing that the remark could be taken offensively. If you are in a work environment, consider whether this form of communication is second-nature. Some employment environments are ripe with constant ribbing. Does this person often say similar things to others? If this occurred with a romantic partner, consider the surrounding context of the conversation. Were you arguing and your partner threw out an insult? Or, did they merely make a comment about your behavior/characteristics in a reasonably neutral context?
Resist the temptation to snap back. Impulsively reacting to a perceived insult means you’re putting your emotions in the driver’s seat. Returning the insult also undermines figuring out the motive of the remark – the person could have been teasing you in a light-hearted way and you make the situation worse. What’s more, when you snap back after an insult, you give the person insulting you power. You might also end up making this person look like a victim to everyone else.
Determine if there was some truth to the statement. In some cases, we feel insulted by others’ comments because there is some truth to their words. If you feel a slight sting because of someone’s remark, rather than taking it personally, strive to use the comment as constructive criticism. If the subject is something that you genuinely want to get better at, then pull the person aside and ask him or her for suggestions to improve. If the person is not someone who you would like to enlist for help, turn to someone else you can count on for timely advice on improving in this area.
Choosing How to React to an Insult
Use humor. Humor serves three fundamental purposes after an insulting remark: it thwarts a mean-spirited insult, it lessens any animosity, and puts a potential audience in your corner. Let’s say you’re hosting a house party and your roommate makes the comment that guests should place their coats in her room since yours is always so messy. Respond with a witty remark, such as, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. You might step in the wrong place in my room and upset my pet snake.”
Ignore the slight. If you’re not much of a joker – or you tend to come up with witty comments hours later – you can always choose to let the remark slide. Honestly, choosing to ignore an insult, whether light-hearted or mean-spirited, gives you a lot of power. It’s like saying to the person, “I don’t find that comment worthy of my reaction”. Note that you would only ignore an insult if you thought it to be minor. Crude and offensive remarks should not be tolerated, so if a person repetitively does this you need to speak up.
Strive to accept the insult as the other person’s opinion. Other people have opinions. If everyone loved the same things and hated the same things, the world would not be as interesting. If an insulting remark was made as a result of a difference in opinion, try not to take it personally. Now, respecting others’ opinions does not mean you should not be true to your own. It simply means recognizing that others look at the work through an entirely different lens than you do. An example for reframing the comment and acknowledging it as the other person's opinion would be to immediately think of ways other people have described you to the contrary. Perhaps your coworker called you lazy, but your partner always praises your ability to take initiative and put in extra effort. Having a contradictory example confirms the statement as that person's opinion rather than a fact.
Respond. If you choose to address the insult, ask the person - immediately or sometime after - if you could speak with him in private. Pulling him aside demonstrates some consideration as opposed to calling him out in public. Calmly tell the person that you find his comments to be insulting and that you would like them to stop right away. If appropriate, explain to the person that you will go to someone in authority if the comments do not stop. One possible response could be: "I'm sure you didn't mean this, but I really felt hurt by your comment. Could you refrain from saying X in the future?"
Involve someone in authority. If the person continues to make insulting comments despite your urging him to stop, take your complaints to the next level. Reach out to a teacher, parent, supervisor, or other person in authority and tell them about the insulting remarks. Do not feel guilty about making these complaints. You gave this person ample opportunity to stop. If he or she chose not to, the consequences rest in this person’s hands – not yours.
Caring For Yourself after Being Insulted
Breathe. Insults can easily make you feel like the spotlight’s on you, or that you are being attacked. Strive to effectively cope with being insulted by taking a moment to collect yourself first. Doing this ensures that you do not insult the person back, which could tarnish your reputation. It also allows you time to really think about the insult and determine the underlying motive behind it. Deep breathing can be very effective when you are feeling anxious or stressed. To perform deep, diaphragmatic breathing, take a slow breath in through your nose for 4 counts. You should notice your belly rising. Hold the breath for 2 counts. Then, release it for 4 counts. Your belly should deflate as you exhale. Perform 6 to 8 cycles of deep breathing for greater calm and clarity in stressful situations.
Feel the emotion. It’s normal to feel hurt, embarrassed or even ashamed by an insulting comment. It’s okay to take the time to feel whatever you’re feeling. While you do not want your emotions in the driver’s seat, you also do not want to lock them away in the trunk. Use the acronym TRUTH to help you in feeling your emotions. Tell yourself the situation. Stick to the facts. Realize what you’re feeling. Decide which emotion describes what you are feeling. Uncover self-criticism. Identify any negative self-talk you are having about the situation or your feelings. Examples include “I shouldn’t let him get under my skin” or “Why am I being such a wimp?” Try to understand yourself. Think about why you are feeling the way you are. Are your feelings justified? Have the feeling. Feel whatever you feel. Cry. Punch your teddy bear. Jump around in frustration.
Show yourself compassion. You are only human. You can't be perfect all the time. This has two different meanings: 1) you aren’t made of steel, and, therefore, immune to insults and 2) there are small quirks about everyone that others may comment on. Rather than judging yourself or your reaction to insulting remarks, practice tender love and kindness. The easiest way to know whether you are showing yourself compassion is to consider how you would treat a friend in a similar situation. Would you get mad at your friend for having her feelings hurt? Or, would you rub her arms and tell her it’s going to be okay? Treat yourself how you would a close friend.
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