How to Stop Being Afraid of Being Loved or Falling in Love

Understanding Your Fear

Think about why you are afraid to fall in love or be loved. The first step in dealing with your issues with loving and/or being loved is to identify the fear that is holding you back. There are many different types of fear that can cause a person to fear loving someone or being loved. Consider your feelings and try to figure out what your main concern is. What are you afraid might happen if you allow yourself to love or be loved? Try writing about your feelings to explore them in more depth. Writing about your fears concerning love may help you to identify the root of your fears and the act of writing may help you to work through some of your feelings as well.

Think about your past relationships. One way that you can start to understand your fear regarding loving or being loved is to think back on your past relationships. Consider the problems that arose in the relationship and how you contributed to those problems. What did you struggle with in the relationship? What did you fight about? If you broke up, what was the reason for the breakup? In what ways did you contribute to problems in the relationship? What thoughts caused you to respond in the ways that you did?

Reflect on your childhood. Sometimes childhood experiences can contribute to our ability to love and be loved. If you had some difficult experiences as a child, you may be carrying to feelings into your adult relationships. Consider things that happened to you or around you as a child and how they might be affecting you as an adult. Was there a lot of fighting in your household when you were a child? Did you feel rejected or unloved by one or more of your parents? How did these experiences make you feel?

Consider some of the most common fears about loving and being loved. Many people have fears when it comes to loving and being loved. Among those fears are the fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting someone, and fear of commitment. Consider these different types of fears and try to determine if your feelings align with any of these categories. Fear of Getting Hurt If you have been hurt in previous relationships, you know how painful it is and may want to protect yourself from ever feeling that way again. As a result, you might try to prevent yourself from falling in love in order to avoid having to feel those painful emotions again. Fear of Hurting Someone Perhaps you have hurt people in previous relationships and it made you feel guilty. As a result, you might want to avoid getting into another relationship and causing the same pain to someone else who you care about. Fear of Commitment Maybe the idea of being committed to one person for the rest of your life is terrifying to you, so you don’t allow yourself to get too attached. Fear of Loss of Identity Some people think falling in love means that they have to give up certain parts of their identity, which can be scary and may cause some people to avoid love.

Determine if you consider yourself worthy of being loved. Some people struggle to love and be loved because they believe that they are not loveable or not worthy of being loved. This belief can be the result of childhood neglect, rejection, or other experiences that caused you to feel unworthy of being loved. Consider whether or not your feel like you are worth of being loved.

Decide if you are having an existential crisis regarding love. Some people fear love because it makes them think about their mortality. Loving someone and being loved back can make the thought of death much scarier because you have more to lose. Some people may even avoid falling in love or being loved because of these negative, frightening feelings.

Dealing with Fear

Challenge your negative thoughts. In addition to past relationships and childhood experiences, negative thinking may be preventing you from loving or being loved. Some people think negative thoughts about themselves or their partners that cause the relationship to suffer. Do not allow a negative thought to go through your mind without addressing and reframing it. Doing so will help you to change your mindset and stop reinforcing your fears about loving or being loved. The next time you have a negative thought, turn it into a positive one. For example, if you are worried about being rejected, you might think something like, “She’s way out of my league. She’s going to dump me.” Or, if you feel unworthy of being loved you might think something like, “You are too ugly for anyone to ever love you, so don’t even try.” These thoughts are damaging to your self-esteem and to your ability to love and be loved. If you are dealing with these types of negative thoughts, you will need to work to silence them and change them. The next time that you find yourself thinking a negative thought, stop yourself and change the thought. If you think to yourself, “She’s way out of my league. She’s going to dump me,” turn it into something more positive. Change it to something like, “She’s a beautiful woman. I am excited to see where this relationship goes.”

Work to develop positive thoughts about love. You might also benefit from some positive self-talk regarding love. Try using positive daily affirmations to develop more positive feelings about love. Positive daily affirmations can help you to deal with the negative emotions that may be part of your fears about love. Take a few moments each day to look at yourself in the mirror and say something positive about love. You can say something that you believe about love or something that you would like to believe about love. Some examples of things you might tell yourself include: “I am worthy of love.” “I will have a fulfilling loving relationship someday.” “Love is a wonderful thing.”

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is defined as the risk and uncertainty that comes along with emotional exposure. People who fear loving and being loved often have their defenses up in a relationship. If you want to overcome your fear of loving and being loved, you will need to lower your defenses and allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner. This might sound frightening, but it is an important step to become more comfortable with love. Common defenses against feeling vulnerable include retreating into a fantasy world or presenting yourself in a less than ideal way. Identify the defenses that you use to prevent yourself from feeling vulnerable. What are your defenses? How can you lower them and begin to allow yourself to be more vulnerable? In your next relationship, try taking the long view — using memories of past happiness as insurance for the future or recalling the original commitment and promises made to each other. EXPERT TIP Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist A person's risk tolerance impacts the speed in which they fall in love. A person who tends to step cautiously over diving headfirst into situations strongly impacts the pace at which they'll fall in love. Each stage of building intimacy presents risks and requires vulnerability. Because of this, those prone to overanalyzing unknowns or avoidance will inch slowly, while bolder spirits may sprint into building deeper connections.

Discuss your fears with your partner or a trusted friend. Talking to someone about your fears and feelings may help you to deal with your fears about loving and being loved. If you are in a relationship consider sharing these feelings with your partner. Telling your partner how you feel can open up the possibilities for greater intimacy in your relationship. Make sure that you have this discussion with your partner when you are both calm, not after or during an argument. If you are not in a relationship or if you are not ready to talk to your partner about your feelings, talk to a trusted friend instead. Try starting by saying something like, “I think my past/current relationship problems were caused by some of my fears about love. I am trying to work through those feelings so that the problems do not continue. Would you be willing to discuss that with me?”

Consider talking to a counselor if your problems continue. Sometimes fears related to loving and being love are so severe that you need to get help from a counselor. If your problems continue despite your attempts to make thing better, consider talking to a counselor about these issues. A counselor can help you to get to the root of the problems and deal with them so that you can have healthier relationships in the future.