Physical
You and your partner feel comfortable and safe touching each other. Physical intimacy does include sex, but it goes beyond that. Physical intimacy includes all kinds of affectionate touch. When you have strong physical intimacy, it's natural for you to touch your partner and be close to them. How to build it: Touch your partner with intention, meaning that when you give them a hug, you focus on that hug and nothing else. Sit close to your partner regularly and make eye contact. Incorporate incidental touch, such as scratching their back or squeezing their shoulder as you walk by, into your daily life. Examples: you give your partner a foot massage after an exhausting day; you hold hands with your partner while walking through a park; you scratch your partner's back while they tell you about an experience they had.
Emotional
You and your partner talk about your deepest feelings and feel supported. Both of you feel comfortable sharing your deepest feelings because you know that when you do, your partner will validate your feelings. You try to understand how your partner feels and what you can do to support your partner when they're feeling bad about something. How to build it: Share pieces of your heart and feelings with your partner. Show interest and enthusiasm for the things that interest them and really light them up. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. Examples: you confide feeling guilty about a decision you made and your partner supports you; you vent about your day at work and your partner helps you feel better; you share an emotionally traumatic moment from your past and your partner validates your feelings.
Intellectual
You and your partner share your thoughts and opinions without judgment. Having strong intellectual intimacy doesn't mean that you and your partner agree on everything—far from it! But you're able to have conflicting opinions without it really affecting your relationship. You can discuss and debate things without getting into an actual argument or taking their thoughts or opinions personally. How to build it: Discuss political or philosophical issues with your partner. If they disagree with you, ask questions to try to better understand their point of view, rather than trying to prove them wrong. Share thoughts and ideas with your partner and ask their opinion about them. Examples: you debate a topic in the news with a focus on understanding each other rather than "winning" the debate; you watch a documentary together and discuss its impact; you talk about your opinions and agree to disagree.
Spiritual
You and your partner share faith and a sense of purpose. Spiritual intimacy doesn't just mean religion, nor does it mean that you and your partner have to have the same religious beliefs to have strong spiritual intimacy. It's more about being open and talking about spiritual ideas and beliefs with each other. It also helps if you agree with each other about basic moral principles. How to build it: Talk about your spiritual or religious beliefs with your partner. Lay out the moral or ethical rules you live by. Share in awe-inspiring moments. Worship or enjoy a moment of quiet reflection together. Examples: you and your partner practice yoga or meditate together; you attend worship services together; you watch a sunrise or sunset together.
Recreational
You and your partner participate in activities and share new experiences. You might also see this referred to as "experiential" or "social" intimacy. While you want to encourage each other to pursue your individual hobbies and interests, recreational intimacy is all about making time to do things together as well. When you experience new places or learn how to do new things together, you strengthen your bond. How to build it: Take a walk together and leave your phones at home so you can focus on each other and the experience. You might also plan small excursions to neighboring towns or sign up to take a class together. Examples: you take a dance class together and support each other as you learn the steps; you train and run a 5k race together; you explore a nearby town together.
Communication
You and your partner can converse freely and productively. When you and your partner are having a conversation, you both listen to each other and ensure that the other feels heard and understood. You ask questions to clarify so you can better understand where your partner is coming from. When you disagree about something, you figure out why and do what you can to find a compromise together. How to build it: Practice active listening. Ask your partner open-ended questions to encourage them to communicate with you. Treat each other with courtesy and respect. Make time every day to talk to your partner. Examples: you both listen actively to each other; you don't interrupt each other; you ask questions to try to understand your partner's thoughts and feelings.
Work
You and your partner share in the daily tasks of living. "Work" intimacy doesn't typically refer to your career—although it might, if you and your partner own a business together. But typically, work intimacy is the closeness you feel from producing something together. When you work together as a team and share in the result, you become closer. How to build it: Create a schedule for household tasks so you and your partner can delegate them fairly. Identify larger projects, such as cleaning out the garage or remodeling the bathroom, that you can tackle together as a team. Examples: your partner volunteers to clear the table and do the dishes after you cook dinner; you and your partner train your dogs together; you remodel and redecorate your kitchen together.
Conflict
You and your partner compromise and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. When you have strong conflict intimacy, that means you treat conflicts as an opportunity to learn more about your partner and their needs so you can strengthen your relationship. Disagreements aren't about the two of you fighting against each other. Instead, you work together to find a resolution that has everyone's best interests at heart. How to build it: When there's conflict, take a break if things get heated. Take turns talking and try to understand where your partner is coming from. Then, search for a middle way together. Examples: during fights, you remember that you're both on the same team and look for resolution rather than being right; you talk to your partner about things that bother you rather than silently resenting them; you seek compromise rather than expecting your partner to change.
Aesthetic
You and your partner share the beauty in music, art, and nature. When you hear a new song that you really love, the first thing you want to do is share it with your partner and talk about what you love about it. Even if your partner isn't a fan, they listen and appreciate that you find beauty in it. When you're out and about, you frequently point out things that you find beautiful, and you and your partner pause for a moment to appreciate the beauty. How to build it: Share things you find beautiful with your partner and tell them why you find them beautiful. Bring beautiful paintings or objects into your home so the two of you can experience beauty regularly. Go to museums together. Examples: you buy a print of a painting that captivated both of you at a museum; you go on a hike together and point out beautiful scenery; you go to a concert or play together.
Creative
You and your partner make time to create things together. Whether it's a new dish for dinner, a mural for your kid's room, or an impromptu dance in the kitchen, the two of you regularly engage your imaginations and indulge your creative, artistic spirits. You share in the joy of being inspired to create something together. How to build it: Make space for imagination and creativity in your life, even if it means being a little silly. Go to an art supply store, then paint each other's portraits. Make up a story together while you're lying in bed at night. Examples: you and your partner create and exchange bucket lists; you take time together trying new recipes or engaging in new hobbies together, such as pottery or painting.
Commitment
You and your partner make plans for the future together. When you make plans for years down the road, you're telling your partner that you're counting on them being there. It also makes it harder for either of you to think about leaving if you hit a rough patch because you have things to look forward to together. You can see through the tough times and out the other side. How to build it: Start with small plans, such as a weekend away in a couple of months. Gradually increase the amount of time you think ahead until you're planning years into the future. Examples: you buy a plot of land and save to build your dream house together; you and your partner start a small business together; you raise children.
Crisis
You and your partner stand united when terrible things happen. When a crisis hits, your partner is perhaps the one person you know will stand by you and support you no matter what. They understand intuitively what you need them to do and do it without asking you or needing you to ask. And when something happens to your partner, you know how to support them and help them through it. How to build it: Pay attention to what's going on in your partner's life. Step up when you see that they're struggling so they have less to worry about. Stick up for your partner when someone challenges them. Examples: your partner supports you when you're grieving the loss of a loved one; you take on a side gig when your partner loses their job; your partner takes care of household chores when you're sick.
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