- There’s a high likelihood your girlfriend’s hostility has nothing to do with you. Everyday stressors like work, school, and family problems may be agitating her.
- There's also a chance she's upset about something you said or did. Talk to her about how she's been treating you and find out if there's something wrong.
- Your girlfriend may be depressed, which is causing her to be irritable. Help her work through this by empathizing and knowing when to seek professional help.
- If your girlfriend belittles you or manipulates you, these may be signs of domestic abuse.
Why She’s Being Mean
She might just be stressed. If your girlfriend starts acting mean all of a sudden and she hasn’t done so before, chances are she just had a bad day or received bad news that’s making her irritated. Maybe she didn’t get that promotion or a relative had a medical scare. If she’s stressed, give her space until she’s comfortable talking about it and find other ways to make her life stress-free.
Her love language isn’t being met. There are five love languages people use to communicate their affection to each other: words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. You may be showing your love for her, but not in her love language, which is making her feel undervalued and upset. To help her discover what form of intimacy she values most, take the love language quiz.
You may have done something that upset her. Reflect on your past interactions and try to find a moment where you may have said, done, or forgotten something that made her angry. It may not be immediately obvious, so be mindful of comments or actions that may have been misinterpreted negatively. Then, apologize and explain where you think you went wrong.
Your girlfriend may be misdirecting her sadness and anger at you. We’re all often instilled with the false belief that certain feelings are bad (anger, sadness) so we try to hide them, covering them with more socially acceptable feelings (joy, peace). However, these “bad” feelings still need an outlet. Your girlfriend may be struggling to own her disappointment or resentment in the moments she feels them and accidentally directing them at you, because you’ve created an emotional safe space.
PMS or other hormones may be exacerbating her anger. PMS (premenstrual syndrome), which women go through once a month, has several symptoms that affect emotional regulation including: anxiety, mood swings, and depression. When you add on the several debilitating physical symptoms like cramps, joint and muscle aches, headaches, and fatigue, it’s no wonder she might react a little more intensely or hostilely to certain things during this time. Help ease her physical menstrual pains by bringing her a heating pad or giving her a massage. Do not ask if she’s dealing with PMS when she’s angry. This may come off as dismissive or blaming. Let her come to you with this information.
She might be hangry. After our bodies go a long period of time without eating, our blood sugar decreases, and we release other hormones to compensate for this, including cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline. Both of these hormones in our bloodstream make us more agitated and overwhelmed, which can come off as meanness. While the obvious solution for hanger is eating, it’s important to eat right. Make her a meal that includes protein (meats, eggs, dairy, tofu), complex carbs (brown rice, oatmeal, quinoa, vegetables), and unrefined sugars (fruits) to help get her blood sugar back to normal.
She has unspoken and unmet expectations. It’s common in relationships for us to (consciously or subconsciously) create a blueprint for what our dynamic should look like and how our partner should behave. If that expectation isn’t met, we become angry and resentful with our partner for not living up to that ideal.
She may have issues with boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is essential in communicating to our partners what we are and aren’t okay with. If your girlfriend struggles with setting boundaries, she may feel triggered because you’re crossing lines with her and use antagonistic behavior as a defense mechanism. Consequently, if you haven’t clearly established your boundaries, she may be crossing a line of yours without realizing it. Boundaries can be physical (your comfort being touched in certain places), emotional (being spoken to in a respectful way), mental (your values and belief systems), material (your comfort with certain items being used), or time-based (respecting your time by being prepared and present).
She doesn’t know how else to get your attention. For some people, bad attention is better than no attention. If your girlfriend behaves in a mean or disrespectful way, you’re more likely to respond (albeit negatively). Attention-seeking behavior is often a dysfunctional symptom we carry with us from childhood (especially for people with parents who didn’t praise or give their children positive affection). If your girlfriend is lashing out to get your attention, it’s best to ignore her when she does this and, instead, shower her with more positive attention randomly and often.
She may have been raised to show affection this way. If your girlfriend was raised by overprotective and authoritarian parents, it’s likely they set inflexible boundaries for her and then ignored or degraded her when she questioned these boundaries. They also likely told her they were hard on her because they loved her, and she now equates love with being hard on people.
You might be incompatible. Remember: opposites attract and then they attack. If you and your girlfriend don’t have a lot in common: no real shared interests, different social batteries (i.e one of you is extroverted, the other is introverted), and different worldviews, that lack of connection is likely making both of you frustrated. This frustration can be triggering and she’s being mean as a response to that trigger. Try working on your incompatibility by learning from each other. Let her teach you about things you wouldn’t normally be interested in and vice versa. This helps celebrate and mend your differences instead of placing them against each other.
She may be suffering from depression. It’s a common misconception that depression just means sadness. Other common symptoms of depression include irritability, insomnia (no sleep causes anger and stress), and agitation at even the smallest things. If your girlfriend is showing signs she’s dealing with depression, her belligerence is likely not at you, but a side effect of this unfortunate illness.
She’s working through past trauma. If your girlfriend was in a dysfunctional relationship before you (be it romantic, platonic, or familial), she may have certain expectations that you’re going to cause her the same pain. She may not feel safe or have trouble trusting you so moments of intimacy may be followed by moments of meanness to help her emotionally distance herself in case something goes wrong.
She might have anger issues. In moments where your girlfriend feels threatened, vulnerable or helpless, she may use rage as a way of taking back control. However, if that rage is directed at you, things can get ugly. If your girlfriend has an angry outburst, be patient and try to calm her down to the best of your ability.
She wants to break up. Your girlfriend may not feel like she can continue your partnership together, but she doesn’t know how to express that directly. Therefore, she’s lashing out as a form of pushing you away to make the breakup easier. Unfortunately, all this does is build resentment and create unhealthy coping mechanisms for heartbreak. While break-ups can be painful, feeling them in their full force allows us to grow.
How to Handle Her Meanness
Communicate that your feelings are hurt. Clear communication can be a lifesaver in relationships. It can eliminate animosity, promote intimacy, and give you a valid opportunity to stand your ground. Find a time to talk to your girlfriend one-on-one and tell her how her actions affected you. Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements, and, if possible, offer solutions on how you two can work through this stress. Some examples might include: “I feel small when you raise your voice at me like you did earlier. I understand you may be stressed, but that felt uncalled for and I’d like you to stop.” “I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes during a conversation. I’d prefer it if you were open instead of passive-aggressive.” “I feel helpless when I offer solutions and you shut them down. I know not every idea may be a winner, but I’d like you to consider them more thoroughly.”
Set healthy boundaries. Establishing boundaries is pivotal to maintaining your sense of independence and self-worth. Sit down with your girlfriend and clearly but compassionately explain what you refuse to tolerate physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Try not to make your boundaries sound like blame, but be firm that you will not be mistreated, even if her meanness is unintentional. You might say: “I refuse to be insulted with demeaning names like ‘idiot’ or ‘moron.’ If you continue to throw those words around, I don’t think I can do this anymore.” “I can’t go to bed angry at you. It gives me insomnia, which is bad for my health and only makes me crankier for our next conversation. Let’s talk things out or find a natural way to pause our arguments.” “Complaining to my siblings about me is a violation of my privacy. I feel invaded and disrespected when you go to other people instead of talking to me first. Please stop.” If needed, record some instances where she was mean to you. Hearing the things that were said coming from your mouth might be enough to make her understand that she's being really mean.
If she’s just stressed, help eliminate stressors from your lives. There’s a strong chance your girlfriend’s hostility has nothing to do with you. If you feel like her anger is being caused by an external event (work stress, family, friends) or hormonal fluctuations, take care of chores and household activities you know will cause her extra tension. Treat yourself to a nice meal so neither of you have to cook and can bond instead. And share some of your favorite stress-relieving activities with her like yoga, painting, or taking a long bath. Ask for help if necessary. If you’re both too stressed to pick up each other’s slack, consider hiring a cleaning service or asking a co-worker to pick up one of your shifts so you can take care of housework.
Seek professional help if she’s struggling with depression. Depression can bring out the worst in everyone, but it’s a common illness and there are a lot of resources available to help. Talk to her about how she’s feeling and look online for a therapist that specializes in the problems she’s dealing with. Usually, depression is treated with a combination of psychotherapy and medication. However, other successful methods of treatment include regular exercise, meditation, and mindfulness. Other simple ways you can help her with her depression are empathizing with what she’s going through, getting out in nature together, and pursuing a new interest or hobby together. If her depression is severe, remember it’s okay to distance yourself from time to time. While you can be there for her, her depression is not your responsibility. Practice mindfulness and take some space to nurture your own emotional needs.
Know when it’s time to end things. If you’ve tried communicating healthily, expressing your boundaries, and eliminating other stressors from your life, but your girlfriend is still unnecessarily cruel to you, it might be time to walk away. Find an appropriate time when it’s just the two of you and explain the reasons for your break-up. Even if you feel like her meanness is to blame, don't place all the responsibility on her. That’s not fair to either of you. Instead, explain how her agitation affects the relationship. Try a statement like “I feel like our dynamic has been hostile recently and I’d like some time to calm down and work on myself.”
Signs Your Relationship Might Be Toxic
She belittles you. There’s a difference between antagonism and abuse. If your girlfriend regularly insults you, humiliates you, or verbally harasses you to make you feel small, this crosses the line from mean to cruel and inexcusable. Dealing with emotional abuse can be difficult, but it’s important to assess your situation to protect your psychological well-being. Reach out to a friend or support group if you feel mistreated, and, if necessary, cut off contact with her.
She crosses boundaries after you’ve clearly established them. If you’ve already healthily communicated your boundaries and your girlfriend refuses to honor them, this is a red flag. It indicates she may not respect the relationship or be able to maintain a healthy sense of autonomy.
She lies and/or manipulates you. Everybody has mean moments. It’s how people react after the fact that matters. If your girlfriend denies or minimizes her hostility to you or she uses her antagonistic behavior as a way to get you to do what she wants, this could be the sign of an abusive relationship.
She gets violent. If your girlfriend starts getting physically aggressive, this is a clear sign of abuse. Remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you possibly can and find a safe location to remain until you believe you can return safely. Talk to a close friend, family member, or law enforcement if you feel like you might need protection in future interactions. In case of emergency, call 9-1-1 or get in contact with the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
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