How to Be Refined

Talking the Talk

Keep it simple. You don’t need to spout of a list of facts or quote the entire Sunday paper in order to impress people with how refined you are. In fact, when it comes to being refined, less is more. You should say what’s on your mind in a succinct and clear way that leaves little up to doubt. Don’t bog your peers or strangers down in facts or in an effort to show off; instead, state your opinions briefly and confidently, and you’ll be showing that you’re a refined person who doesn’t need to ramble on to make a point. You don’t need to speak in long, elaborate sentences to try to impress people. Short, concise sentences with clear words are best. You also don’t need to use million-dollar words to make your points, either. It’s better if everyone can understand you.

Slow down. Refined people are never in a rush because they’re sophisticated enough to give themselves time to do everything they want to do. They don’t rush to dinner, they don’t speak too fast, and they don’t rifle around their purses at top speed to find something because they already know that everything is in place. If you want to be refined, then you should work on moving in a confident, precise manner instead of moving fast, talking fast, and acting fast. Instead of speaking fast and saying “um” and “like” every two seconds to fill the pauses, practice talking more slowly and really thinking before you speak so you can avoid using those conversational fillers.

Avoid cursing. Though refined people do get their feathers ruffled on occasion, they tend to keep their cool in public. Therefore, they avoid cursing when they get upset or saying anything untoward in the heat of the moment. In fact, they generally avoid being vulgar by mentioning sex, going to the bathroom, or any other subjects that are likely to be distasteful to some people. This doesn’t mean that refined people are boring, but that they’re just classy. Cursing is a sign of bad breeding and refined people avoid it at all costs. If you do lose your cool and curse, however, just apologize.

Excuse yourself if you belch or pass gas. Nobody can be refined all the time, and sometimes, our bodies betray us and make noises that make other people giggle. It’s okay if you find yourself belching after a meal or passing gas, but the best thing to do, if you want to be refined, is to politely excuse yourself instead of pretending like nothing happened. Swallow your pride and do this and you’ll be projecting refinement in no time. Just a simple “pardon me” before moving on is perfectly fine.

Avoid slang. Though you don’t have to talk like Prince William, you should avoid using too much slang in your conversation if you want to sound refined. Avoid colloquialisms like “ya’ll” “you guys,” or “hella,” if you want to sound like a refined person who is cultured and well-mannered. Be aware of the regional phrases you use, or which terms come from pop culture, and try to find a way around them when you can. Refined people speak in a way that is timeless, not based on popular terms, such as “BFF” or “selfie.” Of course, if everyone around you uses a ton of slang, you don’t want to stand out completely by using proper language, but you should avoid slang as much as possible to sound refined.

Avoid vulgar conversational topics. If you want to be refined, then you should avoid talking about anything that can be viewed as offensive, especially if you find yourself in mixed company. Remember that something that might go over well with your best friend may not work well in a crowd; avoid talking about sex, body parts, using the bathroom, or any statements that may be seen as offensive or off-color that relate to politics. It’s better to assume that the people around you can be easily offended than to make what you think is an innocent joke that ends up really hurting a person’s feelings. To be refined, you can still discuss interesting topics while making sure that you’re not scandalizing anyone. If someone else brings up a vulgar topic that you’re not comfortable with, you can also do your best to steer the conversation in a direction that makes you feel more comfortable.

Think before you speak. Refined people rarely say something that is thoughtless or offensive and don’t often find themselves apologizing for misspeaking because they’ve thought everything through. They don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to their heads and stop to ask themselves how the comment would be received and if their intentions would be clear before they said anything. Refined people literally take the time to “refine” their words before they say them, so that they are said with elegance and grace. Before you say something, look at the person you’re talking to and think about whether the statement would make the person upset, or, if you’re in a large group, if the statement would be better made privately.

Give compliments. You don’t have to give fake compliments you don’t believe in just to sound refined, but you should work on making people feel special when they deserve it. The art of giving a compliment is a difficult one to master, and once you learn how to compliment a person’s important traits without overstepping your bounds, you’ll be on your way to sounding even more refined than ever. Refined people also have an eye for detail and are quick to notice a new piece of jewelry or footwear that is truly worth complimenting. To sound truly refined, you can say something like, “That’s the most exquisite scarf I’ve ever seen” instead of, “Oh my god, what an awesome scarf!”

Don’t speak too loudly. Refined people are confident that what they say will be heard because they’ve chosen their words carefully. Speaking so loud that the person across the restaurant can hear every word you say is a sign of bad breeding, as well as a lack of respect toward others. Make sure you modulate your voice when you talk to people, and wait to grab their attention instead of speaking so loudly that they are forced to listen. Don’t loudly interrupt people to try to get your point across, either. Wait your turn if you want to be refined.

Acting Refined

Avoid gossiping. People who are refined have opinions, but they tend to keep them to themselves when they involve other people in a negative light. If you want to be refined, then you should be above gossiping about other people, starting rumors, or asking if your two co-workers or classmates are hooking up. If you have the reputation of being a gossip, then people won’t think of you as refined at all; instead, they’ll see you as an unsophisticated, immature person. To be truly refined, you should be positive if you plan on talking about a person who isn’t in the room. Instead, practice saying nice things about people “behind their backs.” Say nice things about people who aren’t in the room and it will get back to them.

Be agreeable. Refined people don’t pick fights with people and don’t make a big deal about it if they disagree with something. They are still comfortable stating their opinions, but they don’t do so to make other people feel bad or to look superior. If you find someone challenging your ideas when you’re having a conversation, then you should be polite about disagreeing, and not resort to name calling. Refined people should be easy to get along with, and are easygoing and tend to go with the flow instead of being prickly or confrontational. If you’re asked to settle an argument and know the answer — lets say people are debating about whether a quote is attributed to The Bible or Shakespeare — then it’s best to say you’re not sure of the answer even if you do. There’s no need to cause conflict. If someone is trying to tell you your opinions are worthless, do not engage. Take the high road and exit the conversation instead of being determined to prove the person wrong.

Don’t brag. Refined people are knowledgeable and interesting, but they don’t need to brag to make it known. Even if you’ve memorized every scene in every Goddard film or speak eight foreign languages, you shouldn’t go telling everyone you know. Instead, wait for your areas of interest to come up in conversation so that people can be impressed by how much you know instead of thinking you’re obnoxious for showing off. When you share what you do know, don’t act like an authority but just casually mention the information in a friendly way instead. You should praise people on their achievements as often as you can instead of harping on your own. If you’ve really accomplished a lot, then people will hear about it. If they mention it, be modest instead of acting like yeah, you know you’re pretty great.

Keep refined company. If you really want to be refined, then it’s important for you to spend time with like-minded people. Refined people spend time with other people they can talk to about politics, wine, traveling, other cultures, foreign films, cultural events in their areas, and other subjects of interest. They don’t spend time with too many people who can’t contribute much to a conversation or who don’t listen to anything other than Top 40 and watch Judge Judy for a cultural good time. They tend to be friends with people who can stimulate them and encourage them to be even better than they are. Though it’s not refined to completely ditch someone in your circle because you think that person makes you look bad, you should think about the company you keep. If you think you spend too much time with people who are vulgar, lack class, and who bring you down, then it’s time to reconsider those relationships.

Avoid dominating conversations. People who are refined have interesting opinions about politics, sports, cuisine, wine, and other subjects, but they try to avoid being a bore and talking about them all night long. They also tend to avoid being self-absorbed and talking about themselves incessantly. They’d prefer to talk about other people or about interesting world matters instead. It’s not refined to do 90% of the talking in a conversation, no matter how interesting you may think you are. If you’ve noticed that you’re dominating a conversation, switch gears and ask the people you’re with light questions, from what they’re doing this weekend to what their favorite sports team is.

Have good manners. Good manners are a sign of refinement. In order to have good manners, you’ll need to eat with your mouth closed, avoid cursing, wait your turn, hold doors and pull out chairs for people, and generally conduct yourself in an admirable fashion. People with good manners are sensitive to the needs of others and make sure other people, whether they are guests or serving you coffee, are feeling comfortable. Ask people how they are, respect their space, and avoid making a mess if you want to have good manners. Be polite. Always greet people in a friendly fashion, introduce yourself to people you don’t know if they join a conversation, and avoid being unnecessarily rude to people even if you think they deserve it.

Be cultured. You don’t have to speak seventeen languages to be cultured, but it does help to know something about other cultures, whether it’s knowing how to correctly pronounce foreign words, or you know that, in certain cultures, it’s polite to remove your shoes when you enter a person’s house. There’s no one way to suddenly become cultured, but you can make an effort to get to know how people live in other parts of the world, to watch foreign films, sample the cuisines of other countries, and most importantly, avoid having the attitude that everything is done the “right way” in your country. Make a point of attending cultural events in your area, whether there are local theatres or museum openings. Read, read, read. Become knowledgeable on everything from ancient philosophy to contemporary poetry. Refined people tend to be very well-read.

Be tactful. Refined people speak with extreme tact and understand that they have to choose their words and timing carefully when it comes to saying something. They don’t overstep their bounds and get too friendly with people they don’t know that well, they deflect negative comments from others, and they are able to be discreet when it’s necessary. They are masters at being gracious and don’t make people feel embarrassed in public. Have a sense of a person’s sense of humor before you try to make a joke. Avoid mentioning how much money you make or asking about a person’s salary. That is seen as crude and not tactful at all. If someone has something in his teeth, for example, a tactful person would try to tell him privately. Tactful people also know that timing is important. You may be excited to announce that you’re pregnant, but you should see that you should avoid doing this when your friend is gushing about her engagement.

Looking the Part

Wear elegant, well-maintained clothes. Refined people take great care with their dress because they understand that an appearance of refinement is crucial to forming their refined persona. They pick clothes that are flattering, that match the season, that aren’t too revealing, and that look good together. Their clothes are tucked in, free of stains, and appropriate for the season. They tend to wear clothes with subtle colors, such as greys, browns, and blues, and don’t call too much attention to themselves with their dress. Refined people also tend to dress more elegant than most; men often wear suits or business casual wear even if in occasion doesn’t call for it, and refined women tend to wear dresses and heels along with tasteful jewelry. Your clothes don’t have to be expensive for you to look refined. You just have to make sure they fit well, match, and are free of wrinkles. Excessive shiny jewelry or accessories won’t make you look more refined. In fact, just one subtle watch or pair of silver earrings will do the trick and will be far better than looking flashy. Refined people tend to avoid graphic tee shirts or anything else that would make people laugh.

Groom yourself. People who are refined take the time to comb their hair and make sure that they never look unkempt. Refined men tend to shave their faces or to maintain a very well-manicured beard. Refined people also generally look neat, clean, and like they put time and effort into their appearance. If you want to be refined, then you have to make a point of grooming yourself so that you are presentable when you step out. Make a habit of carrying a comb and using it in private when necessary. Women can wear subtle makeup, but they should avoid going over-the-top or they won’t look very refined. Just some subtle lipstick, a bit of mascara, and some light eye shadow will do the trick.

Maintain proper hygiene. If you want to be refined, then you should shower daily, wash your hair every day or at least every other day, wear deodorant (if you believe in it), and add some cologne or a light perfume into the mix if you like the effect. You should also brush your teeth at least twice a day and generally make sure that you smell nice and clean and look fresh anywhere you go. It’s hard to look refined if you have greasy hair and smell like B.O. Along with grooming yourself, maintaining proper hygiene is an important aspect of being refined.

Have refined body language. Refined people know how to carry themselves. They stand up straight and maintain good posture even when they’re sitting. They keep their hands respectably folded across their legs when they sit and avoid putting their elbows on a table when they dine. They don’t slouch, fidget, or pick their noses in public. In general, they act respectful toward their own bodies as well as the people around them. To be refined, have body language that shows you have self-respect without making yourself too much at home anywhere you go. Avoid sitting with your legs spread wide, because this can be seen as a bit vulgar. Avoid scratching yourself in public. If you have an itch you really have to scratch, you’ll be better off scratching it in the bathroom. When you talk to people, stand at a respectable distance away from them. Close-talkers tend not to be refined.

Smile and make eye contact. You may have an image of a refined person as a snob who would sooner turn his nose up at a new person than smile or make eye contact, but people who are truly refined know that other people deserve to be treated with respect. Making eye contact with people and smiling when you meet them or approach them is a common courtesy and shows them that you look at them as individuals who are worthy of your time. Eye contact also shows people that you have their attention, which is very respectful and refined. Avoid checking your phone or texting when you’re talking to people and focus on the eye contact instead. Not paying attention to people is not very refined.

Greet people in a refined manner. If you want to be refined, then you should treat people with respect when they come up to you. Don’t be too lazy to stand up to shake the hand of a new acquaintance or to introduce yourself by name. If a person you already know is approaching, it’s still polite to stand to greet that person if you want to be refined. If you just lift a hand and say, “hey,” then you may be seen as being a bit socially lazy, which is a sign of a lack of refinement. It’s also polite to repeat the person’s name if you meet him or her for the first time. You can say something like, “It’s great to finally meet you, Jason.”