How to Convince Your Parents to Let You Have a Boyfriend

Talking with Your Parents

Find a good time. Pick a time when they are in a good mood. Avoid approaching them right after a hard day at work. Try to figure out their mood by asking, “How was your day?” Choose a time when you will not be interrupted or competing for their attention with other people or issues. Right after dinner or before bed is usually a pretty peaceful and private time. If you don’t get a chance at home, you can also be more creative and talk with them while out on a walk or even while riding in the car. You might say, “Dad, do you want to go on a quick walk? I have some things I’d like to talk with you about.” You can always talk with just one parent too and ask them to approach the other one, if needed. This works best if you know your mom, for example, is a bit more lenient or if you feel closer to her.

Be honest. Staying honest and straightforward is just one way to show your maturity. So, don’t tell lies, even white lies. If you’ve already gone on a date with this guy, you might as well tell them now, if they ask. If you are caught in a lie you will lose any ground that you’ve gained. Another part of honesty is your being open to their concerns so you can respond to them. For example, if they don’t trust your boyfriend because they don’t know him very well, try to create more opportunities for everyone to get to know each other. Avoid comparing yourself with others if it involves exaggeration. For example, don’t tell your parents that your best friend has had a boyfriend for the past 2 years, unless it is really true. Your parents will sense that you are not being honest and can easily check the facts.

Compromise. To get what you want, you may have to give a little. If your parents agree to let you have a boyfriend, they will most likely place some conditions on their agreement. If these are promises that you can actually keep, it is best to say yes. You can also bring up compromises as a way to bring your parents back to the bargaining table if they say no initially. This will create an opening for greater freedom in the future as you gain their trust. Many of the conditions will involve your performance at school. For example, you must keep a certain GPA to have a boyfriend. Or, you need to spend at least 1 hour each night studying. These are all goals that you should have anyway, so there is no harm in agreeing to them. It likely that they will also try to limit your time with your new boyfriend, out of an effort to keep you from getting in over your head. They may ask you to only go out once a week or to stick to a strict curfew. They may also want you to see and talk with a health professional. You will need to decide individually if you are comfortable with this type of compromise.

Stay calm. Try to control your emotions during your talk. Avoid yelling, crying, whining, or begging. A temper tantrum of any kind will make them lose all respect for your position. To stay calm, repeat in your head the word “control” or “calm.” Count for five seconds, in your head, before you answer any questions or make any statements you may regret. Make sure to watch your tone as well. It is really easy to say nice words with a sarcastic attitude. For example, “That’s great,” sounds really different depending on your tone of voice. If you feel increasingly frustrated by the conversation, plan a way to blow off some steam after. Visualize taking a long run, swimming some laps, or going shopping with friends.

Listen actively. You parents will most likely have quite a bit to say back to you, so make sure to pay close attention to what they are saying. Look into their eyes when they are talking. This will help to show that you are not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about your possible relationship. Nod your head when they make good points and even smile if you really agree with something. A big part of active listening is asking questions. If they say no to you, respond by asking, “Why not?” Tell them that you honestly want to understand their perspective in this situation. This will help you to figure out what is bothering them so you can work on it.

Agree to a 'sex talk.' If you haven’t already discussed it, your parents may want to sit down with you at a later time to discuss their concerns about you having sex. Again, this ‘sex talk’ could actually be really useful for you. This will be a safe time for you to ask questions or express concerns.

Write a letter. If you just can’t talk to your parents face-to-face, you may need to write down your feelings and thoughts via a letter. This is also a good idea if you think your parents may have an extreme reaction to your request. Make sure that your letter is well written and calm. Do not write anything that you will regret. Instead of saying, “I’m going to have a boyfriend whether you like it or not,” you might write, “I really want you to understand where I’m coming from.” It may be helpful to show your letter to a trusted friend or family member for feedback before presenting it to you parents.

Convincing Them with Your Actions

Let them get to know him. Introduce your parents to your potential boyfriend. You can do this via photos, showing them some of his texts, or in person. Give them an idea about his personality and good qualities. If he does well in school, brag about it. Tell them about his major and future plans. If you have them meet in person, set it up in advance. Don’t just spring your boyfriend on your parents, or they may feel ambushed. This might result in a more negative reaction than normal. A boyfriend should be supportive of your dreams as well. Make sure to highlight that trait. You might tell your parents, “He always asks how my SAT prep is going.”

Arrange a group date. Tell your parents that you will only go on group dates with your guy for one month. This gives your parents the security of knowing that you will be safe and will have time to get to know him without the pressure of being solo. Group dates provide some safety, however, they also result in peer pressure. Address these concerns by reminding your parents that they have done a good job teaching you to be your own person. You might say, “Don’t worry, if I’m in a group I never drink and won’t just because others tell me to.”

Show your maturity. Follow all of your parent’s rules. Show them that you can honor commitments over time, even if they are boring or annoying. For example, always make your curfew, do your chores without being asked, and avoid petty arguments, if you can.

Be patient. Show your parents that you are in control of yourself. You have the self-control to know that they will need time to think over this issue. To show your patience, you may decide to wait two weeks before bringing up the subject again. For example, if they say, “Your dad and I need to think this over.” You might respond, “I understand, this is an important decision.” Try not to pressure them, as this can work against you.

Practice gratitude. Demonstrate your appreciation for what they’ve done for you over your life. You might say, “Thank you!” more often. Or, you might do little nice things for them, like making breakfast. If they say that you are just trying to convince them, you can respond, “Of course I want you to say yes. But, that is because I value your opinion too. I want you to know that.”

Organizing Your Thoughts and Feelings

Wait until you find someone. Don’t ask to have a boyfriend in advance of finding a guy you really like. You can end up in an argument with your parents, and you will have few details to back you up. Instead, if you have someone in particular, you can think about what you like about them and bring that up. You can also use this as an argument to convince your parents by saying, “I’ve waited until I found someone I really like to approach you about this.”

Question yourself. Are you actually ready? Or, do you just want a boyfriend to fit in with others your age? Are you willing to set boundaries, even sexual ones, to protect yourself? Are you prepared to handle rejection? Your parents will surely question you, so get ready by thinking through these issues on your own. Ask yourself whether he is a good guy in general or a good guy for you in particular? He may be a great person, but this may be the wrong time due to an age gap, difference in experience levels, etc.

Talk with friends. Your friends are probably aware of your feelings and they may know your parents too, so it is a good idea to seek out their advice. You might ask them how they think you should approach your parents or how to describe your guy to your parents? You could even invite some of your friends over and let them talk to your parents about the boy, if you are comfortable with that.

Talk with another trusted adult. If your parents refuse to budge from their position, then you may need to bring in reinforcements. Meet with your pastor, a family friend, or another relative and tell them about your situation. Ask for their advice. You might say, “What kind of compromises can I suggest that will make my parents happy?”