How to Deal with a Partner Who Emotionally Withholds

Speaking to Your Partner Directly

Sit down for a one on one conversation. The most actionable way to address your partner’s emotional withholding is to ask them to have a one on one conversation with you about the issue. Suggest having a talk in a neutral place where you will not be disturbed. If you live together, you may choose to have the talk at the kitchen table or in the living room. If you live in separate spaces, you may suggest a bench in a park or a local coffee shop that is quiet. Choosing a neutral spot where you can discuss the issue privately will allow both of you to feel comfortable and be honest about how you are feeling. This is especially important when you are trying to talk to your partner about a subject that may upset or unsettle them, at least at first. You may say to your partner, "I need to talk to you about something important. I am finding it hard to connect with you emotionally and wonder if we could try to talk this issue out together."

Provide specific examples of your partner’s behavior. Start the talk by telling your partner that you feel like they have been acting withdrawn and not sharing their emotions with you. You could then mention specific examples of moments recently or in the past where you feel your partner was emotionally withholding from you. Try to be specific and speak clearly when you bring up these examples. Do not try to pass judgment or accuse your partner. Instead, simply relay your experience in your words so they know where you are coming from. For example, you may say, "I feel invalidated when you do not respond to my story about work." Or, "I feel angry when you do not answer my questions about how you feel." Or, "I feel disconnected from you when you don't answer my questions about your feelings."

Use “I” statements. When you speak to your partner, you should get in the habit of using “I” statements so you can be accountable for your thoughts and reactions. Using “I” statements can help you avoid blaming your partner or making assumptions about how your partner is feeling. For example, you may say, “I feel you are emotionally withholding from me and it bothers me” or “I feel we are not communicating our feelings as much as we could be and I would like us to try to figure out why that is.” Try to be accepting and non-judgmental when you speak with your partner as well.

Listen to what your partner has to say. Once you have expressed your feelings to your partner, you should listen to what they have to say in response. Because your partner is emotionally withholding, they may struggle to express themselves. Be patient and encourage them to speak to you about how they are feeling. Tell them that you are here to listen and want your relationship to be about sharing thoughts and feelings, rather than holding back. For example, you may tell your partner, “I know it’s hard for you to express your feelings and open up. But I want you to know I am here for you and ready to listen. I want you to feel you can talk to me and be honest about how you’re feeling.”

Come to an agreement on what will change moving forward. Though it may be difficult to talk to your partner about this subject, tackling it head on can lead to a better relationship moving forward. You and your partner should try to come to an agreement on how they will be more emotionally open with you. You may both need to agree verbally to make some adjustments to your behavior and work on being more open with each other. For example, you may say to your partner, “Can we agree to be more honest with each other and share our feelings more often?” or “Can you agree to be more emotionally open with me going forward?”

Reaching Out to Others

Talk to your family and friends. It can be hard to deal with a partner who is emotionally withholding on your own. Reach out to your family and friends for support so you do not feel isolated or alone. You may confide in a close friend or a family member and tell them about how you struggling with your partner’s behavior. Sometimes just talking about how you are feeling can help you get some clarity on the situation. You may also ask your friends and family for advice on how to deal with your partner’s emotional withholding. Perhaps you have a friend who experienced something similar with their partner and can ask them for advice on how to address the issue with your partner. You may say to your friend or a family member, "I feel like my partner is being emotionally withholding. Have you experienced this before? Can you relate?"

Speak to your partner’s friends and loved ones. You may also try reaching out to your partner’s social network for some guidance and perspective. If you have mutual friends in common, you may ask the friend if they feel your partner is emotionally withholding and if this has happened in the past in other relationships. You may also ask your partner’s family for some guidance on the issue. Be careful not to reveal too much of your relationship to your partner’s family or friends, especially if your partner is a private person. You do not want to embarrass your partner in any way or make them feel more self-conscious about how they feel than they already do. For example, you may say to your partner's friend, "I am worried about my partner's ability to express their emotions. Have you experienced this issue with them before? How do you think I should approach the issue with them?"

Suggest a meeting with a counselor or a therapist. You may need professional guidance on the issue so you and your partner can improve your relationship together. Suggest to your partner that you both go to see a counselor or a therapist together to talk things out. You may be more comfortable discussing the issue with your partner if a mediator is present to help you both have a productive conversation. For example, you may say to your partner, "Would you feel comfortable going to a counselor together?" or "I feel like a meeting with a therapist may help us figure out this issue." You may ask friends or family for a referral to a counselor or a therapist. You can also ask your family doctor for a referral to a therapist who specializes in relationship counseling.

Maintaining a Healthier Relationship with Your Partner

Agree to share your feelings with each other. To avoid emotional withholding in the future, you and your partner should commit to healthy relationship habits. One of these habits should be sharing your feelings with each other on a regular basis. You should both agree to be upfront with how you are both feeling and avoid holding back or hiding any emotions you may be struggling with. For example, you may both agree to check in with each other on a daily basis with a simple, “How are your day?” or “How are you feeling?” You may both also try to follow up on emotional issues that come up so you are both aware of what’s going on. You may ask your partner, “How did that meeting with the tough client go?” or “Did you resolve that issue with your friend?” Reader Poll: We asked 321 wikiHow readers about the best ways to deal with an emotionally avoidant partner, and only 10% of them recommended letting your partner know when they do something you like. [Take Poll] Instead, being open about your feelings can be a more effective way to improve your relationship.

Encourage active listening. You and your partner should both work on actively listening to each other. Doing this can ensure that your conversations are productive, engaging, and fulfilling for both of you. Active listening can be done in the simplest of conversations and in conversations with a little more depth and emotion. For example, you may encourage your partner to go more in depth in a conversation by asking thoughtful questions, such as, “Tell me more about that” or “How did you feel about what happened?” You may also actively listen by nodding and making eye contact with your partner when they speak. Then, you can respond by saying, “What I hear you saying is…” or “I believe what you meant was…”

Work out any issues as a team. Working together as a team day to day can greatly improve your relationship and make it feel more honest. You and your partner should agree to work as a team to tackle any issues that come up and come up with solutions to an issue together. Doing this will allow your partner to feel safe and supported in the relationship. This can then encourage them to open up and be more honest with you. For example, if you are both struggling with how to deal with a recent issue, you may say to your partner, “I think we can figure this out as a team. I believe we can come up with a solution together.”