How to Deal with Guilt

Dealing with Proportionate Guilt

Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose. Guilt is a useful emotion when it is helping us grow and learn from our behavior that has been offensive or hurtful to ourselves or others. When guilt arises from hurting another or having a negative impact that could have been prevented, we are being signaled to change that behavior (or else risk the consequences). This guilt, "proportionate” guilt can be a guide for redirecting behavior and adjusting our sense of what's acceptable and what isn't. For example, if your guilt is from spreading rumors about a co-worker so that you will get a promotion in their place, you'll feel proportionate guilt. If you simply got this promotion for being more qualified and feel guilty anyway, then you are dealing with disproportionate guilt.

Forgive yourself. Forgiving oneself, like forgiving another, can be a difficult process. Steps that are important in the process of self-forgiveness include: Acknowledgement of the actual hurt caused without exaggerating or minimizing what happened. Addressing the degree to which you were responsible for this harm – there may have been something you could have done differently, but you may not be responsible for everything. Overestimating your responsibility can prolong guilt longer than necessary. Understanding your state of mind at the time of the harmful action(s) Dialogue with the other(s) who were negatively impacted by your actions. A heartfelt apology can go a long way. It is important that you and the other(s) know that you are aware of the damage done and are clear on what actions will be taken (if any) over and above apologizing. Reader Poll: We asked 607 wikiHow readers what’s the biggest challenge they face in forgiving themselves, and 66% said letting go of guilt that they hurt someone. [Take Poll]

Make amends or changes as soon as possible. Staying guilty instead of making necessary repairs or amends is how we punish ourselves. Unfortunately, this behavior will only keep you feeling too ashamed to take the action that can really help. Making restorative changes means swallowing your pride and trusting that others will be grateful for your work resolving the source of guilt. If apologizing is how you'll make amends, try to avoid justifying what you did or pointing out the parts of the situation that you were not responsible for. Simply recognize the others' pain without the distraction of extra explanations or attempts to revisit the details of the situation. It may be much easier to apologize for an offhanded remark that caused some pain. But when the behavior has spanned some time, say you ignored your partner's distress about your relationship for years, it will take more honesty and humility.

Start a journal. Writing journal entries about the details, feelings, and memories of the situation can help you learn about yourself and your actions. Working to improve your behavior in the future is a great way to relieve guilt. Your entries might answer questions like the following: How did you feel about yourself and everyone involved leading up to, during, and after the situation? What were your needs at that time, and were they being met? If not, why not? Did you have motives for this action? What or who was the catalyst for this behavior? What are the standards of judgment in this situation? Are they your own values, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or coming from an institution like the law? Are these appropriate standards of judgment, and if so, how do you know?

Accept you did something wrong, but move on. We know that it's impossible to change the past. So, after spending time learning from your actions and making amends and repairs wherever possible, it is important not to dwell for too long. Remind yourself that the sooner you are done feeling guilty, the sooner you can bring increased focus to other, more current parts of your life. Another benefit of using a journal to deal with guilt is being able to keep track of your feelings to show yourself how quickly guilt can diminish once we attend to it. Especially important is making note of how making amends and repairing the situation has changed them. This will help you take pride in your progress and in the legitimate ways that you have used guilt positively.

Dealing with Disproportionate Guilt

Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose. Unlike the useful "proportionate" guilt that signals us to right our wrongdoings, disproportionate guilt usually comes from one of the following sources: Doing better than someone (survivor’s guilt). Feeling that you didn’t do enough to help someone. Something that you only think you did. Something you didn’t do but that you want to do. Take the example of feeling guilty for getting a promotion. If you spread nasty rumors about a co-worker in order to get it, this guilt is indeed warranted or proportionate to the action. But, if you simply got this promotion from having earned it and feel guilty anyway, then you are dealing with disproportionate guilt. This type of guilt serves no rational purpose.

Take stock of what you can control versus what you cannot. In a journal, write out the things that you truly have total control over. Also include those things you only have partial control. Blaming yourself for a mistake or incident that was only partially in your control means that you're angry at yourself for things that are beyond you. Also helpful is to consider that you are not to blame for things you regret not doing, since you could not possibly have known then what you know now. You likely made the best judgment available to you at the time. Remind yourself that you’re not to blame for surviving a tragedy that someone else, even someone close to you did not. Recognize that you are not ultimately responsible for other people. Even if you have a great deal of love and concern for those in your life, they are charged with stepping up to ensure their own well-being (as you are with yours).

Examine your standards for achievement and helping others. Writing in a journal, ask yourself ask yourself if the behavioral ideals you set for yourself may be too high. Often times these standards are imposed on us from outside forces which may have helped us gain footing at an early age, but that now are so rigorous and unattainable that they cause great distress. This also involves acknowledging the your right to protect and stand up for your own self-interests. Since we often feel guilty for not bending over backwards for others or sacrificing something we hold dear (like free time or our own space), this is a crucial part of overcoming guilt. Remind yourself to accept that people’s interests may conflict, and that this is natural. No one is at fault for earnestly seeking to fulfill their own needs.

Focus on quality, not quantity when helping others. Guilt often stems from thinking that we are not being sensitive enough to others. And, since you only have so much of yourself to give, remember that the quality of your help will diminish if you are trying too hard to help all the time or help everyone you care about all the time, no matter what. To avoid this type of guilt, be more aware of situations when it is truly you who must step in. Being discerning about the moments you offer help will give you a healthier sense of how much responsibility you have for others, diminishing guilt automatically. It will also improve the quality of your help, making you more aware of the good you are doing rather than what other things you could be doing.

Seek acceptance and compassion through mindfulness. Mindfulness and meditative practices can help you learn to observe your own mental processes, including the tendencies that keep guilt going, like self-blame and excessive self-criticism. Once you learn to observe these processes, you can start being more compassionate toward yourself, recognizing that these thoughts need not be taken seriously or acted upon. It can also be helpful to maintain close contact with loved ones who accept you as you are and display unconditional compassion for you. By seeing others treat you this way, it will be easier to develop this attitude toward yourself. However, you are responsible for self-acceptance and self-compassion, and this can be done with or without help.

See a mental health professional if you struggle to move forward. When you experience disproportionate guilt, it may be too difficult to resolve the issues alone, or even with the help of loved ones. See a qualified mental health therapist or counselor who is clinically certified so that they can help you work through your feelings and reframe your thoughts about an incident. A therapist may also work with a family member to help resolve issues of guilt and anger that can at times affect the entire family.