Looking for Signs of Grooming by a Predator
Watch for someone who pays special attention to a child. A predator's first step is to make a connection with the child. They will typically try to get to know them very well. A predator might ask questions such as “What is your favorite food?” or “What is your favorite game to play?” in an effort to learn as much about a child as possible. Keep in mind that many people will ask this type of question and that they are not predators. For example, it's normal for your friends and family to want to get to know your child better. It's also likely that a new teacher or babysitter would also ask this type of question. Watch for someone who seems intent on getting to know the child personally, especially if they're not a part of your child's life. For example, maybe be wary if a stranger at the grocery store seems intent on getting to know your child. Be as present as possible to avoid issues.
Notice if someone asks a child to do an activity that involves being alone together. It could be a warning sign if someone tries to get your child alone. They might try to engage your child in an enticing activity. For example, they might say, "Hey, Sam, I have new puppies at my house. Do you want to stop by on your way home to play with them?" You should say, "That sounds great. I'll come, too." If they protest, that's a red flag. Maybe your child has a friend whose parent makes you nervous. If they offer to bring your child home after a school activity, you can say, "No, thanks. I can leave work early to pick up the kids." If someone without bad motives wants to interact with your child, they should not object to you or another adult also being present. It is a red flag if an adult asks your child to sleep over at their house. If they do, come along too. If they protest, cut it off immediately.
Pay attention if someone shares inappropriate information with a child. Predators often have little or no regard for social boundaries. If your child reports that someone told them something personal or inappropriate, consider that a warning sign. Adults shouldn't share private information with kids. For example, be concerned if someone told your child details about their sex life or romantic relationships.
Be on the lookout for unusual touching. Many predators might casually touch a child in your presence. The idea is to give the child the idea that touching is okay. Kids generally have pretty solid instincts when they feel a person is off. Watch to see if your child flinches or stiffens if someone puts an arm around them or tries to hug them. A predator might insist on touching, kissing, or tickling your child even if the child is clearly uninterested. Never force your child to be affectionate with someone they seem uncomfortable around.
Watch for someone who buys things for children. A predator will try to gain your child's trust. Since kids are often susceptible to treats, a predator might try to buy their attention. Notice if someone is buying your child candy, toys, or clothing without asking you first. Of course, it is normal for people like grandparents or close friends to want to give your child gifts. Be wary if someone you don't know well gives your child a gift for no reason (i.e. it is not their birthday or a holiday).
Pay attention to who your child interacts with online. Predators will often try to approach a child online. Make sure that you monitor how your child spends their screen time. If they participate in any type of chat rooms or social media, you should know who they are talking to. Teach your child not to give out personal information such as their full name, address, phone number, and where they go to school. Look out for common signs of grooming, which include asking your child to meet in person, asking your child to keep their relationship a secret, sending inappropriate photos, and asking your child to share pictures of themselves. If possible, do not let your child use the internet unsupervised.
Paying Attention to Characteristics of Predators
Disregard common myths. People usually assume that predators are strangers or that they look a certain way. Instead, you should know that predators are actually more likely to be someone you know. It could be a family member, friend, a teacher, or a coach. Take time to get to know everyone who interacts with your child. Understand there is no “typical” child molester. Many predators are friendly and outgoing. Predators can be married or single. They may or may not have children of their own. Predators are typically male, but not always. A predator does not have typical physical characteristics. They can be any race, ethnicity, or gender. They can also be young adults or middle aged or older. A predator could be highly educated and respected in the community.
Watch out for people who develop unusual relationships with children. A predator will often have a “special friend” who is a child. This special friend typically changes from year to year. If you hear an adult talking about this type of relationship, it could be a warning sign. Predators often prefer to spend most of their time with kids and demonstrate little interest in hanging out with other adults. A predator might ask your kid to keep secrets from you.
Listen for inappropriate talk about sex. Predators might tell “dirty jokes” in front of kids to see if they can get a reaction or attention. They might also make inappropriate comments about a child's body parts by saying something like, “Look who's growing boobs!” Another warning sign is if someone talks about a child in sexual terms, such as “Look how hot you are!” or calling a child “sexy.”
Look for someone that seems to be trying to earn your trust. A predator's natural instinct is to get the parent to let their guard down. Pay attention if someone seems a little too eager to demonstrate how trustworthy they are. This could include someone repeatedly mentioning how trustworthy they are, or mentioning several times how friendly they are. They could also try to convince you of how much your child loves them.
Talking to Your Child About Danger Signs
Trust what your child tells you. It is very rare for a child to lie about sexual abuse. If your child tells you that someone abused them, or even made them uncomfortable, believe them. You should trust what they tell you even if they are talking about a family member or someone you think you know very well. Children often have better instincts than adults. This could be because they are not as worried about being polite. Listen to your child if they tell you someone gives them bad vibes.
Use a casual tone when discussing bad situations. When you're talking about abuse, you don't want to scare your child. Try to keep your voice calm and friendly. Try not to raise your voice. Even if you are upset, try to play it cool. Your child will be more receptive to your words if you don't seem upset or angry.
Explain inappropriate touching. Explain to your child that they have parts of their body that are private. Teach them the proper terms for their body parts so that they can ask questions and voice concerns about touching. Let your child know that no one should touch their private parts unless it is someone providing medical care. Explain that a trusted adult should be present if they are receiving some sort of care. Tell your child that if someone asks to look at or touch their private parts they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible. You can say, "If someone asks you if they can see your vagina, you should say no. Then go find someone like me or a teacher that you like and tell them that someone made you uncomfortable." Teach your child that no one should show them their own private parts. Say, "Other people shouldn't want you to look at their penis or vulva. If someone tries to do that say "no" and go find a grown up you trust."
Teach your child about setting boundaries. Let your child know that it is okay to say “no” if someone makes them uncomfortable. They can say, “No, don't do that, I don't like it.” You can tell them, “It is okay to have boundaries when you are playing or when someone is trying to touch you. Let them know if you don't like what they're doing.” Say, “If someone makes you scared or uncomfortable, find a grown up that you trust and tell them what happened.” Talk openly about sexual abuse and sexuality. Say, “It's okay to talk to me and ask questions. Don't worry, you're not going to get in trouble if you tell me someone made you feel scared.” Tell kids to be alert if an adult asks them to keep their relationship a secret. Let them know they should tell you if someone asks them to keep something a secret from you. They should say "No! I don't keep secrets from Mummy or Daddy!".
Taking Action if you Suspect Abuse
Recognize the warning signs. If you fear that your child has been in contact with a predator, you might worry that they have been harmed. Be on the lookout for some common red flags. Pay attention if your child: Seems scared of physical contact Starts having nightmares or other changes in their sleep Is suddenly reluctant or hesitant to bathe Suddenly becomes much less talkative
Re-establish safety. The first thing you need to do is make the child feel safe. Reassure them by saying, “You're with me now, and I will take care of you. Don't worry, you're safe.” Follow the child's lead and don't make them do anything that makes them uncomfortable. For example, if your child does not want to be left alone in the dark, let them stay with you. Don't force them to interact with anyone that they seem scared of. This could expose them to danger.
Contact the authorities. There are many different ways to report child abuse. You might be required by law to report even suspicions of child abuse. Check the “State Law Database” on the RAINN website at https://apps.rainn.org/policy/. If you're unsure what to do or who to call, you can reach out to Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453. An expert can guide you through the process of making a report. All calls to the hotline are confidential.
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