Breaking Off a Situationship
Choose a calm, private setting to end things face to face. If you have questions for your situationship partner or want some closure, having a face-to-face conversation is probably the best choice. Try to find a neutral spot where you can both be comfortable and where you won't have to worry about getting disrupted or fielding a lot of distractions. This signals that you're taking the conversation seriously. If the two of you are more casual, you might not feel like this is necessary. When that's the case, a text is fine—just use your best judgment. Saying something is usually the better than ghosting, though. Even though your relationship might have been undefined, that's no reason to leave the ending undefined as well.
Use "I" statements to tell your partner how you feel. When you use "I" statements, you take ownership of your own feelings instead of blaming your situationship partner for them. This helps your partner feel less attacked and less likely to go on the defensive. The two of you can have a calm, respectful conversation that doesn't escalate into something ugly. For example, you might say, "I have really enjoyed our time together and I believe I am ready to explore another level of commitment with you, but I don't think you're ready to take that step yet. Is that accurate?" If you're ending things over text, keep it simple. For example, you might say, "I've really enjoyed spending time with you but I think our situation has run its course. We want different things and it's not fair to either of us to keep doing this." If you want to pump the brakes because you think your partner might have started catching feelings for you, you might say, "I have really enjoyed our time together, but I'm not ready to take this relationship to the next level. If that's something you want, it would be really unfair for me to continue things between us under these circumstances."
Listen to what your partner has to say about their feelings. After you've said your piece, your situationship partner might have things they want or need to say. When you listen actively, you show them that you respect them and validate their feelings. Keep in mind that, most likely, your situationship partner won't agree with you. There wouldn't be any need to have this awkward conversation if they did. At the same time, though, it's certainly possible that they've been feeling the same way as you have and were just trying to hide it. There's only one way to know for sure! If you're ending things over text, let them know that you're open to having a more involved conversation if they want to. For example, you might say, "If you want to meet for coffee and talk about this more, I'm open to that."
Express your decision clearly and firmly. If you've decided that you want to end the situationship, make sure your partner knows that. If you simply ghost them, they'll likely wonder what happened or if they did something wrong. When the situationship is no longer serving your needs, it's time for it to go—and you both deserve to have some closure on that. For example, if you've decided that you no longer want to have any contact with them, you might say, "I feel as though our relationship has run its course, but I've enjoyed my time with you. I wish you nothing but the best." And just leave it at that.
Set clear boundaries regarding any future contact. Situationships are typically characterized by a lack of boundaries. So, if you don't want any further issues with your situationship partner, it's a good idea to set those boundaries now. What those boundaries are will depend on how the two of you have decided your relationship will look going forward. For example, if you've decided that you want to end the situationship but still want to remain friends, you might set a boundary that you won't go over to their house alone late at night.
Take a step back and focus on self-care. Be compassionate to yourself if you find yourself thinking you don't have a right to feel bad because the two of you weren't even dating. You had a close connection and the lack of definition in the relationship is part of what makes it so tough to get over. Turn your focus inward and do things to take care of yourself and get yourself ready for the next phase of your life. It's okay if you feel the need to take a couple of days, or even a couple of weeks, away from dating, putting yourself out there, or even being very social in general. This is a good time to nurture yourself with plenty of love, gentleness, and kindness. Keegan emphasizes that "it's a loss just like all losses, just like when you lose a committed relationship. Nonetheless, it's a loss. And it's really important to honor that."
Seek support if you need it. Ending a situationship can hurt just as much as a regular breakup—the problem is you often don't have the support you need. You might have friends who didn't even know about the relationship, which can make it hard for them to understand how to comfort and support you now. Your most empathetic friends will support you emotionally, even if they don't quite understand how you feel or what your situationship partner meant to you. Situationships often involve a lot of idealization. If you've caught feelings for your situationship partner, chances are you believed a "real" relationship between the two of you would be perfect, if only you could just get it off the ground. During this time, remind yourself that your feelings are real and legitimate and you have every right to feel them. Acknowledge that you're grieving a loss, even if in this case it's more of a loss of what might've been. Keegan notes that one of the reasons "you can't get over it is because you kind of hoped it would turn into something more or at least something ongoing. And now that hope is over. So, it's just like, let it go and then go out and meet someone next."
When to End a Situationship
You start seeing red flags. The dynamic of your relationship doesn't matter—If your relationship partner is waving red flags, it's a good idea to head for the door. There's no reason to be in any kind of relationship with someone who treats you badly. If you can see red flags during a situationship, the person is not likely to act any differently if you do happen to end up in a committed relationship with them. For example, if the person you're in a situationship with makes fun of you or belittles you, it's best to end things with them completely and go no contact so that they can't continue to damage your self-esteem. Keegan emphasizes that "you should definitely consider [leaving a situationship] if you're feeling anxious [because] that's your instinct, your intuition telling you 'Something's not right about this for me.' And you don't always have to know why." Keegan adds that "the best thing you can do is to really in life learn to listen to your intuition, learn to listen to the deeper thing. And anxiety is a sure sign that something's off."
You feel jealous or insecure because there's no commitment. When this happens, you typically find yourself upset about something your situationship partner said or did. Even worse, you feel as though you have no right to be upset because it's not like you're in a real relationship. Recognize that you have the right to feel however you feel. If you're hurt or upset, it's likely because your feelings for your situationship partner have outgrown the casual nature of the relationship itself. It's time to have that talk!
You're starting to catch feelings but your partner isn't. It's really hard to stay on the surface of things. When you're familiar with someone, it's only natural for you to want to have a deeper emotional attachment to them. Even if you have no intentions of starting a more formal relationship, you might find those feelings popping up anyway. This is especially likely if the two of you are sleeping together—and folks in situationships typically are. If your partner doesn't have the same feelings for you, it's unfair to you to continue in a relationship where your feelings aren't being reciprocated. You deserve to be with someone who shares your feelings on the same level. Once you start having feelings for someone, it can be very hard to cut those feelings off without at least a brief period (say, a couple of weeks) of no-contact.
You and your partner aren't on the same page emotionally. This could mean that you've caught the feels or that your situationship partner has. Either way, one of you wants something that the other doesn't, and that's typically a good sign that it's time to cut the cord and let this one go. If your situationship partner has feelings for you that you don't return, you're not doing them any favors by continuing to see them—you're just giving them false hope that you might be interested in a more committed relationship in the future.
You feel neglected or left out by your partner. You might start thinking that if you and your situationship partner were in a real relationship, they'd introduce you to their family or bring you around their friends. You might feel like they're intentionally excluding you from part of their life. This is typically an indication that it's time to call it quits. If they're adamant about keeping their relationship with you separate from the rest of their life, you might even start to feel as though they're ashamed of or embarrassed by you—and you deserve to be with someone who's proud of you and wants to show you off to everyone they know.
You try to talk about the relationship and your partner deflects. It could be that you've brought up the relationship topic before, and your situationship partner said something noncommittal and abruptly changed the subject. Or they might've simply claimed that it wasn't the right time to talk about that (and somehow, it's never the right time). Either way, you're not going to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't able (or willing) to have a serious talk about the relationship or define their level of commitment to you. People are naturally uncomfortable with ambiguity, so it's totally normal that you want a solid framework for your relationship with someone you're spending a lot of time with. If your situationship partner seems completely unwilling to have a relationship talk, it's probably best to go ahead and end things before they get too serious.
What Is a Situationship?
A situationship is a casual relationship without commitment. Because of their lack of commitment, situationships typically have an expiration date, whether you can pinpoint it exactly or not. This is the kind of relationship you often just end up in when you enjoy hanging out with someone a lot but haven't quite taken it to the next level in terms of establishing the boundaries of a committed relationship. Keegan notes that typically in a situationship, "you had some intimacy with that person or felt a deep connection in some way, whether it's sexual or just the companionship or whatever or just having someone to go back and forth with." A situationship is often similar to other types of causal relationships, such as a "friends with benefits" (FWB) relationship. The biggest difference between the two, though, is that there are things that are defined about an FWB relationship that aren't defined in a situationship. Situationships can also look similar to the "talking" phase of a relationship. But in the talking phase, it's understood that this is a phase leading up to a committed relationship eventually, while a situationship doesn't have that goal.
Signs You're in a Situationship
You haven't met each others' friends or family. Every time you meet up with your situationship partner, it's just the two of you. They don't invite you to hang out with their friends or meet their family—and you don't invite them to meet your friends or family either. Even though you might feel pretty close to them, they're just not integrated into your social world. You might also tend to hang out with them on days or nights when the other people you usually hang out with are busy. At the same time, it's also possible to be in a situationship with someone who is a part of your social circle, but both of you always insist to anyone who asks that you're "just friends."
You only do things with each other when they're convenient. You don't go out on dates for the purpose of hanging out with each other and getting to know each other. They'll stop by your place if they happen to be in the neighborhood, or call you because they're just leaving a restaurant on your side of town. Neither of you really goes out of your way to hang out with each other either. If something comes up or if it seems like it would be even the slightest bit troublesome, you'll just call it off. It's also likely that the situationship itself started out of convenience. For example, you might start a situationship with a coworker who you always join for happy hour at a local pub.
You don't have pet names for each other or do "coupley" things. Not having any of the romantic trappings of a committed relationship is one of the hallmarks of a situationship. You just don't have much with the person that's unique to the two of you as a couple—there's no song you call "our song," no cutesy little in-jokes, no "our restaurant" or "our bar." The two of you just aren't in a place where you're attaching significance to things. A part of this is because you don't go on actual dates. You might meet up somewhere and hang out or go as a plus-1 with each other, but there's never any emphasis on wooing or impressing each other on these occasions.
You don't communicate with each other regularly. You text them randomly and they text you randomly as well. There's never any expectation that you'll hear from them at any particular time or at all. You wouldn't think it was weird if you didn't hear from them for several days or even several weeks. This inconsistent communication is part of the reason that most people end a situationship by simply ghosting the other person. Once they've decided they're done, they simply stop calling or responding to calls or texts. Sometimes this might not even be a conscious act of ghosting. It could simply be that one person stops texting the other and doesn't think to text again (and the other does the same).
You don't know if you're exclusive. A situationship is typically characterized by a lack of commitment—and you might not even know if your situationship partner is seeing anybody else because the two of you simply never talk about it. You might not be seeing anybody else, but not because of any clear agreement between the two of you that you were exclusive. It could also be that one of you has brought up the concept before and the other responded negatively or changed the subject. Frequently, people who start situationships tell each other from the outset that they're either not ready for or aren't looking for a serious relationship. This sets up a lack of commitment as a sort of default for the relationship.
You haven't had the "relationship talk." You'll sometimes see it called the "DTR" ("Define the Relationship") talk—the talk where you decide what the two of you are really and what boundaries you're going to attach to that. It doesn't necessarily matter what those boundaries are—the important part is that they're clearly defined and you both know where you stand in your relationship with each other. For example, if you aren't seeing anyone and your partner isn't seeing anyone either, but you've also never talked about whether it's okay to see other people, you're likely in a situationship. If you find yourself wondering if your partner would care if you did something and then realizing the two of you have never discussed it, that's also a good sign you're in a situationship.
You never talk about the future together. When you're not talking about doing things together in the future, that typically means that you don't see yourselves together in the future. If you don't see the two of you together as a couple as well as being two distinct individuals, you're likely in a situationship. If you do talk about doing things together in the future, it's likely just a vague mention without making any actual plans. For example, you might say, "We should go bowling sometime," as the two of you pass by a bowling alley.
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