Fixing What Went Wrong
Think back. Relationships rarely end suddenly and with no forewarning, even if you missed it at the time. Try to remember anything your ex has said or done that might have indicated they were unhappy. This might be things like: Complaining that you are away too much, or don't pay attention to them enough Doubting you when you tell them something, such as where you were, or why you did something. Saying that they feel like you never give them time alone (healthy relationships need to give each person room to breathe and be on their own sometimes) Saying that they wanted something you aren't giving them Complaining that you never help out around the house
Don't get angry. Crying is a natural part of working through difficult emotions, but even if you're angry, it's important to stay calm. Yelling at the other person isn't likely to make them want to get back together with you. If you're having difficulty keeping your cool, here are some good things to try: Take a break. You can simply tell the other person something like "My emotions are taking over, can we take a break so that I can calm down and say what I actually mean?" Sleep on it. Before starting a conversation with your ex, take 24 hours to make sure that you actually want to say what you're planing to tell them. Consider how they might react, and consider how you would react if they told you something similar. Take deep, calming breaths or visualize yourself in a relaxing place. Write a letter(or email), then wait a day before sending it. It can be really helpful to write things down because then you have time to think about what you said before the other person hears it, and you can't accidentally change or forget what you planned to say at the last minute.
Ask questions. If you don't know what you did wrong, and can't figure it out, then ask. Even if you do know something you did that upset your partner, ask if there's anything else you can do to make things better. Some examples are: "Can you help me understand why you were angry?" "What can I do to make our relationship stronger." "Is there anything you want me to do more of?" "What are the things that really bother you about how I act?" "Is there anything you need from me that I'm not doing?"
Apologize and admit responsibility. If you have figured out what you think the source of the break-up was, tell your ex that you're really sorry about what happened. Even if you don't know what went wrong, apologize for something like 'whatever I did'. Take full responsibility for the mistake, and explain why you haven't done anything about it before. Some good things to say might be: "I'm really sorry I didn't notice that you wanted ___________" "I don't know why you left me, but I'm really sorry for whatever I did. Can you help me figure out what it was so that I can fix it?" "I know I really screwed up when I did___________, but losing you has helped me see how much more important you are than _________. I'm really sorry I ______ and I will never be tempted to do it again." "I know I haven't been as good about ________ as you asked me to me, but I didn't realize it was this important to you, and I'm really sorry I misunderstood what it meant to you. I promise to make it my first priority from now on." "I know I'm away a lot right now for ___________, and I hate it too, but this is a temporary problem, and once I finish it things will be better for both of us. It's just as hard for me as it is for you and I'm really sorry it has to be this way. Is there anything I can do to help you get through this tough patch with me?"
Change what they complained about. After you apologize, it's important to make good with more than words. Whatever problem you found from thinking back and asking about, now's the time to fix it. If you still don't understand exactly what you need to do, more questions are always a good way to straighten this out. Some examples are: If they complained that you weren't around enough, make more time for the relationship. Try going out for dinner together, or cooking a meal together at home regularly one night a week (or more often!) Give up other things you do to show that you care more about the relationship and your partner. If they said that they didn't feel appreciated enough, try saying thank you (and meaning it!) more often, and picking up any tasks you can to make their life easier. If you cheated on them, make sure that they have no reason to question where you are all the time. You need to show that they can trust you. Come home when you say you will, and when you are out with a friend, offer to let them talk to the friend to prove that you are with who you say you are. If they have complained that you never do anything, get out and have hobbies! Some other ideas are to take some classes and gain some skills (whether they can make you money or not)
Try to find a compromise. This is especially effective if both of you have issues with the other one that led to the break-up. Discuss what the problems are (making a list can help) and then agree to a compromise that has you both making equal sacrifices for the health of the relationship. Remember to take into consideration that some things may be more important to one person than the other, and compensate according to how much it matters to you, or how difficult it is for you. For example, if being on time is really important for one of you, and the other one doesn't care about being late (and often is), then a fair compromise could be that when you're getting ready to go somewhere together, the person who doesn't mind being late allows the person who wants to be on time help arrange their schedule so that they can be on time.
Building a New Relationship
Listen. When your partner talks to you, make sure you are engaged and focused on them, and that they know you are focused on them. Some ways of doing this are: Put down and close anything you are reading or looking at, and turn off the TV. Don't doodle, look at your watch or pick your nails. Watch your partner when they talk. Repeat what they said. When they are done talking, start a sentence with something like "What I hear you saying is that ___________" and fill in a summary of what they've told you. If they agree that your summary is accurate, move on, if not ask them to clarify until you are sure you understand what they have said.
Pay attention to body language, watching for concealed emotions. Some signs that there might be more to what they're saying than the words are: Tension in how they are standing or sitting (arms crossed is a good sign of anger and impatience) Any expression other than a neutral one on their face (if they are very excited, this is a request that you participate in their excitement and are excited for them, if they are sad, they will probably want sympathy) Touching their neck, ears and face is a sign of insecurity, probably means that they feel uncomfortable about what they are trying to tell you.
Don't be defensive and don't jump to conclusions. People tend to jump to conclusions when they are angry and this can often mean that you hear something (often a criticism of you) that your partner isn't trying to say. If they are trying to explain something that you do that they don't like, remember that its in both of your best interests to understand what you are being told and respond.
Communicate. When something is bothering you, bring it up. If you feel like your partner is hiding something from you, ask about it. Keep the channels of communication wide open. It's important to be honest but kind. Some tips for making communication easier are: Avoid saying things like "you always_____" or "You never_____" These are unlikely to be true, and will probably make your partner get defensive. Start sentences with "I feel like______." You're always right about your feelings, and this is a great way to make the other person NOT be defensive because you're not complaining about their behavior. Try to avoid "I feel like you____" This can be rephrased in a way that only uses "I." For example, rather than "I feel like you never do the dishes" say "I feel like I always do the dishes" Don't interrupt. If you're not sure if your partner is finished talking, give them a few seconds of silence, and then ask if they are done.
Schedule time to talk. This is a really helpful tip to avoid tension building up in your relationship, and the fear that comes with the words 'we have to talk'. Schedule a time once a week, or once a month, to talk about any issues (big or small) in your relationship, and you will be less likely to have more difficulties that can make you break up. You can also schedule time during which you don't talk. If, for example, you're always very tired when you get home from work, agree that the first 15 mins (half an hour, two hours, or whatever) is going to be relaxation time during which you leave each other alone.
Moving On With Your Life
Don't act miserable. It's okay to make it clear that you would like to get back together, and that your upset the relationship ended, but don't give in to your emotions. Smile, be cheerful and positive, and don't put on a show of misery. Instead, put on a show of happiness, and slowly the show will become reality.
Make new friends. This is an especially important step if most of your friends were primarily friends with your ex. Any activity, such as those listed in the next step, can be a good way to meet new people. It can be helpful to tell them that you're trying to make new friends after a breakup, but remember not to bog them down with too much information about how miserable you are!
Get out and do things. Pick up a new hobby, meet new people, and have fun! Some things you can try include: Going out with your friends (you can make a no dates allowed rule if you like) Join a new club and participate in their activities Work on a project you've been wanting to do for a while Take some classes - this is a great way to combine meeting people and picking up a hobby.
Cut your ex out of your life. Thinking about them all the time isn't going to help you recover, and it's good to not get distracted by them whenever possible. Some good ways of doing this are: Delete them from any social networking websites you use Delete their number from your phone. Ask your friends not to discuss it. Try to resist bring up the topic yourself. If you're having difficulty with this, ask your friends for help. You can do this when you find yourself wanting to bring up the topic pif your ex, or ask them ahead of time to change the topic whenever you try to start talking about the breakup.
Date other people. Even if you don't think you're likely to find anything, get in the game, and give your dates an honest shot. Don't compare them to your ex, but look for things you like about them. Try online dating websites if you're having difficulty meeting people, or just go out with some old friends and make it known that you're looking for a new relationship.
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