How to Solve Marriage Problems in Islam

Problems in Communication

Practice communicating with your spouse kindly, effectively, and constructively. When discussing your feelings, use “I” statements to avoiding casting blame. For example, instead of saying “You’re a lazy husband,” try saying, “I feel frustrated when I have to do things without your help.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) once said: “I have been given words which are concise but comprehensive in meaning” [Sahih Muslim]. Follow this example with your own choice of words, and express yourself thoughtfully and clearly, without resorting to insults and angry arguments. Not communicating effectively is one of the biggest causes for fights. In a good marriage, both spouses must feel understood by their spouses. When spouses talk past each other, and not to each other, little gets resolved, and the same issues come up repeatedly. Often, one spouse might think that the other is making a big deal out of something small. In these moments, you can say something like, “It’s important for me,” and stick with it. Your spouse will need to understand that they have to respect your feelings, even when they don’t agree.

Interference from Family and In-Laws

Keep good relations with family members, but don’t let them hurt your marriage. While parents and in-laws can be an invaluable source of support, you must prioritize your stability as a couple. This might mean seeing parents or in-laws less frequently, while still making sure to help them whenever they are in need. If you see your in-laws every week, try seeing them once a month, or even once every few months. Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) says: “Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but him, and that you be kind to parents” [Qur’an, 17:23]. As a Muslim, you are obligated to show respect to your in-laws and parents, but only have to obey Allah. Making your own decisions as a couple, even if they anger other members of your family, is permissible and healthy. Islam does not require you to serve your in-laws, only to show them respect. A wife living with her husband’s parents is allowed to ask her husband to provide her with separate living quarters. A husband should not make comparisons between his wife and his mother, and a wife should not compare her husband to her father. If you are facing this issue, straightforwardly remind your spouse by saying something like, “I am your wife, not your mother.”

Financial Disagreements

Maintain open communication about money matters within your family. If you are finding yourself arguing with your spouse over money often, it is time to remember that you are a team. Work through your financial difficulties by creating a budget together, and treating financial worries as obstacles that can be overcome. Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) tells us: “And in the heaven is your provision and whatever you are promised” [Qur’an 51:22]. Allah decides what wealth we’ll earn, so there’s no need to blame one another. Trust that Allah has a plan for you, and looks out for your best interests. Money, and not having enough of it, is a common source of stress in marriages. For Muslims, a husband must provide for his wife and family, and his wife must act as his most trusted advisor. Islamic law does not require women who earn money to contribute to family expenses. All earnings made by a woman are her property alone. If you are a wife who wants to use your earnings to support your family in a period of stress, however, you can choose to do so. You can tell your husband something like, “I know you are working hard to take care of our family, but I want to contribute money as well.”

Religious Differences

Remember that Islam should bring you together, not keep you apart. You may be feeling frustrated if your spouse isn’t as committed to daily study of the Qu’ran as you, or your spouse might be disappointed that you would rather spend time with friends than at prayer. But try to make peace with these differences. Accept that you cannot dictate someone else’s spiritual path. If you are disappointed with your spouse’s lack of spiritual commitment, be patient. As it is written in the Qu’ran: “O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient” [Surah Baqarah 2:153]. Instead of feeling frustrated, wait for your spouse to find their own spiritual path, and offer your help when they need it. You can open a discussion about these spiritual differences by saying something to your spouse like, “I know we have different ways of demonstrating our faith, but I know it’s something that brings us together, and would like to talk with you about it.”

Cultural Differences

If you have a different cultural background than your spouse, talk about it. Remember that you are both bound by your faith, and can move past these differences. Having open communication is the key to moving past these differences, so talk about the expectations you have in relationships from your cultural background, and what expectations your spouse might have. Remember that Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) celebrates diversity: “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge.” [Qu’ran, 30:22] Even though cultural differences often lead to friction in marriage, remember that Islam does not discriminate between cultures. All believers are equally important in Allah’s eyes (Glorified and Exalted is He). If members of your family have stereotypes about your spouse’s culture, it is important to address them directly. For example, you can tell your family something like, “How can we generalize all Westerners, when we know that not all Pakistanis are alike?”

Intimacy and Sexual Relations

Make sexual intimacy a priority in your marriage. Remember that Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) wants us to experience pleasure in our marriages. If you feel as though there are ways to increase the frequency and enjoyment you and your spouse get from sex, don’t be afraid to bring up these topics with your spouse. If you find yourself unwilling to have sex, talk to your partner or a counselor about what might make you feel more comfortable. Islam recommends foreplay before having sex. One hadith notes: “When any of you has sex with his wife, then he should not go to her like birds; instead, he should be slow and delaying.” [Wasa’il ul-Shi’a, 14:40]. Take your time with sex, and enjoy each other’s company, rather than rush through it. Sex goes under-discussed in many Muslim communities, but is an important part of marriage. Many Muslims avoid sharing intimate secrets about their spouses, and preserving this privacy is an important part of marriage. But reaching out to a trusted elder is not gossip if you need help with this aspect of your marriage. It is permissible to discuss issues relating to sex with a counselor, religious or not. Couples therapy can be an excellent option for many marriages. Tell your spouse something like, “I love you, and I think that we can enjoy our time together even more if we talk about our relationship with someone privately.”

Unwillingness to Forgive

If your spouse shows remorse, try to forgive them. None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. Acknowledge that you’ve been hurt, and also decide for yourself that you want to move on. Once you’ve made this decision, let go of what grudges you might have, and let the issue remain in the past. It is written in the holy Qu’ran: “Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? Allah is most forgiving and merciful” [Surat An-Nur, 24:22]. Being a good Muslim means trying your best to show forgiveness, even when it is difficult. If you’ve done something wrong, don’t be afraid to ask for forgiveness from your spouse. When apologizing, you can say something like, “I know that what I did hurt you, and I understand your feelings about it. You are the most important person in the world to me. Can you forgive me?” It may take time for forgiveness to come, so be patient. Reader Poll: We asked 390 wikiHow readers who've experienced marriage problems, and 59% of them agreed the best way to practice forgiveness is by praying for their spouse. [Take Poll]

Lack of Gratitude

Show your spouse gratitude, even for the little things. Remember to not take for granted your spouse’s dedication to your family. Gratitude can come in a number of forms, from a simple “thank you” after your spouse makes dinner, or a meaningful gift as a surprise to let your spouse know that you appreciate them. One of the most well-known lines in the holy Qu’ran instructs us that, “They [your wives] are clothing for you and you are clothing for them” [Surat Al-Baqarah, 2:187]. Each spouse is responsible for protecting the other, and each should be valued and appreciated for their role. Many fights in marriages often break out because a spouse feels unappreciated. When people do not feel like the work they do is noticed, they tend to emotionally withdraw from their relationship. Practice showing your spouse gratitude for the things they do. This can be as simple as saying, “Thank you for taking care of dinner yesterday. You did a wonderful job.”

Infidelity

Take your time to recover from cheating. If you’ve experienced cheating in your marriage, you may be feeling confused, hurt, and out-of-place. It might be a good idea for each spouse to take some time apart to collect their feelings before talking about what happened in a constructive and careful way. Zina is considered a grave sin in Islam. But the holy Qu’ran reminds us to “not despair of Allah’s mercy...He is the one who is Most-Forgiving, the Very-Merciful.” If you’ve committed adultery, you will need to seek forgiveness from Allah and your spouse in order to move on. Working with a marriage counselor can help you deal with the feelings of betrayal that come from cheating. Bring this up with your spouse by telling them something like, “We’re dealing with a very difficult moment in our marriage right now, and we need to get some help.”

Domestic Violence

Prioritize your safety if you’re in a relationship with domestic violence. Most Muslim marriages are free of domestic violence, but it does happen. If this is something you are experiencing in your marriage, and your spouse is physically hurting you, it’s important to find a way to remain safe. Please immediately reach out to someone you trust. You are a valuable person, and deserve to live free of abuse. Islamic scholars agree that abuse is not permitted in Islam. The holy Qu’ran states: “Allah commands justice, the doing of good, and liberality to kith and kin.” For Muslims, divorce is discouraged. However, the Qu’ran explicitly allows for divorce in cases like these, and you should not hesitate to leave if you feel your life is in danger. Please remember that your life and safety are valuable. If you’re experiencing domestic violence, please follow this website to be connected to someone from the Muslim community who can help you: https://www.peacefulfamilies.org/dvdirectory.html

Trying to Get Your Spouse to Change

Love the person you married, not the person you wish they were. Make a list of your spouse’s positive qualities, and what drew you to them in the first place. This will remind you to be happy with the person who you have, not who you imagine they could be. It’s written in the holy Qu’ran that: “There is no creature on earth whose sustenance is not undertaken by Allah. He knows its permanent and temporary place.” Allah has a plan for all of us, so trust that He has a plan for your spouse as well. It’s okay to have an open conversation with your spouse on your feelings about them, but make sure you show your appreciation of their good qualities as well. Say something like, “Though I sometimes can frustrated with you because you can be forgetful, I love how kind you are.”