- “Narcissistic discard” is when someone abruptly ends your relationship and cuts ties with you. This behavior is part of the cycle of narcissistic relationships.
- People with narcissistic traits may “discard” you if they feel like they aren’t getting enough admiration or attention from you, or if their ego is bruised. It can also be a power play.
- Educating yourself about narcissism, practicing self-compassion, leaning on loved ones, and seeing a therapist can help you heal after narcissistic discard occurs.
What is narcissistic discard?
Narcissistic discard refers to someone who abruptly cuts ties without explanation. This behavior is part of the narcissistic relationship cycle. At first, someone with narcissistic tendencies may idealize or love-bomb you to win you over. Then, after some time, they could decide that they’re no longer getting what they need from the relationship, so they might “discard” you and move on to the next person. Keep in mind that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) requires a diagnosis by a medical professional. It’s important not to assume that someone has NPD. Narcissism also exists on a spectrum, so it’s possible to have some narcissistic traits without qualifying for a formal NPD diagnosis. If you’ve been “discarded” by a friend or partner who has NPD or narcissistic tendencies, it can be very distressing. Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s not a reflection on you!
Discard is one of the three stages of narcissistic relationships. Many narcissistic relationships occur in 3 stages: idealization, devaluation, then discard. (It’s important to note, however, that this is certainly not true of all relationships involving someone with NPD.) Here are the three stages fleshed out in more detail: Idealization: At the start of a relationship, someone with NPD or narcissistic tendencies may shower you with compliments, gifts, and declarations of love. They may be very charming, saying all the right things and putting you up on a pedestal. Devaluation: As time goes on, tensions can start to build. They might become less loving or admiring of you, and they may even start to unfairly criticize or belittle you. Discard: Finally, they may decide that they are no longer satisfied with the relationship, so they suddenly cut ties, leaving you distressed and confused.
Why do people with narcissistic tendencies discard others?
They feel like they aren’t receiving enough praise or attention from you. As Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Kelli Miller explains, “Narcissists seek admiration all the time.” If your friend or partner feels like they are no longer receiving enough of this "narcissistic supply," they may start “seeking out other partners to get that validation and admiration.” For example, if you become disillusioned by their behavior and start to praise them less, they may start to feel dissatisfied with your relationship. Instead of being honest about their feelings or trying to work things out, they may abruptly cut ties and look for a new friend or romantic partner to start over with.
They feel like they’re losing control of you. Some people with narcissistic tendencies feel the need to control others. This sense of power can boost their self-esteem, which may be fragile. If they start to feel like they’re losing this power over you, it could push them to cut ties and look for a new person, who might be more susceptible to controlling behaviors. Say, for example, that you used to go along with this person’s opinions or acquiesce to their requests because you trusted and admired them. Then, over time, you started to see their true colors, so you challenged them a bit more, or pushed back when they made unfair demands of you. They may see these changes as proof that they’re losing their grip on you. As a result, they could decide to cut their losses and end things.
Their ego is bruised, so they’re running away. People with narcissistic traits often portray themselves as overly self-confident, but underneath this showy exterior, they tend to have very fragile egos. As clinical psychologist Dr. Asa Don Brown explains, “the narcissist is commonly hypersensitive to criticism or disparaging comments.” When faced with the truth about their own behavior, they may even experience a complete collapse of their sense of self. If you happen to see someone with narcissistic tendencies in a vulnerable moment, they may be unable to accept their flaws. As a result, they abruptly end the relationship and cut off contact.
They’re impulsive and easily bored. People with NPD or narcissistic traits tend to seek attention and admiration, and they often struggle with impulse control. This combination can be like a perfect storm. If they start to feel bored or dissatisfied once the honeymoon phase in your relationship has passed, they may make an impulsive decision to seek out a new source of narcissistic supply.
They lack empathy. Those who show narcissistic traits tend to struggle with a lack of empathy. Because of this, they may end a relationship or friendship in an abrupt, harsh, or confusing way, seemingly without regard for how this affects you. This is likely because they are actually unaware of the pain their behavior causes.
It’s a power play. If someone with narcissistic tendencies starts to feel like they're losing power over you, they may “discard” you to reassert control. The shocking and unexpected ending leaves you reeling, which makes you more likely to have an emotional reaction and beg them to stay. This puts them firmly back in the position of power. It’s important to remember that the cycle of narcissistic relationships is just that—a cycle. When someone with NPD or narcissistic tendencies discards you, they might not truly intend to leave. They may just be trying to re-start the cycle over again.
Signs of Narcissistic Discard
They start “devaluing” you. One sign that discard is coming is a shift toward devaluing you, rather than putting you on a pedestal like they did at the beginning of the relationship. “Once the bond has been established, a gradual and subtle campaign of criticism and derision can occur,” says Jay Reid, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor who specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. This indicates that you have moved from the first stage of a narcissistic relationship (idealization) to the second stage (devaluation), which comes just before the third and final stage (discard). Tell-tale behaviors to look out for include mocking or belittling you, questioning your intelligence, dismissing your opinion, or humiliating you in front of others. Remember, this complete 180 has nothing to do with who you truly are. Some people with NPD or narcissistic traits think in a black-and-white way—you’re either the best person in the world, or a completely inferior person who isn’t worth their time.
They’ve formed a close relationship with someone else. If someone with narcissistic tendencies starts to feel like your relationship isn’t fulfilling their needs, they may seek out a new source of admiration and validation. If you notice that your friend or partner has suddenly grown super close to someone new, while paying less and less attention to you, they may be gearing up to “discard” you.
If you’re in a romantic relationship, cheating may also be a sign. Those with NPD or narcissistic tendencies may struggle with infidelity more often. As Kelli Miller explains, “There’s this idea that they’re allowed to cheat because they have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. In their mind, the rules just do not apply to them.” If your partner is starting to engage in emotional or physical infidelity, it could be another sign that they’re looking for a new source of narcissistic supply.
They’re becoming unkind or emotionally abusive toward you. As the relationship continues to shift from idealization to devaluation, they may start to be colder and harsher toward you. Over time, this behavior can even escalate to gaslighting, manipulation, or emotional abuse. If your friend or partner is starting to treat you more and more poorly, it could be a sign that the discard phase is imminent. It's important to note, however, that although some people with NPD may display emotionally abusive behavior, this is absolutely not true of all people with NPD. NPD itself is not a character flaw or something to be ashamed of—it’s simply a mental health condition. Many people with NPD are receiving treatment to manage their symptoms and working to build healthy relationships in their lives. They deserve patience, understanding, and acceptance, just like everyone else! Of course, if someone with NPD or narcissistic behavior is treating you poorly or emotionally abusing you, there is no excuse for that behavior, and the most important thing is to protect yourself and ensure your safety.
Impacts of Narcissistic Discard & How to Cope
Learn more about narcissism. “The first step would be educating yourself about somebody with narcissistic personality disorder,” says Kelli Miller. Narcissistic discard can be a very confusing experience, and it may leave you reeling. Learning more about NPD and its symptoms will help you process what happened, understand that it was not your fault, and move forward. Here are a few helpful articles to get you started with broadening your understanding of NPD: How to Diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder A Guide to Narcissistic Projection and How to Deal With It How Do Narcissists Treat Their Exes? (What They Do & How to Handle It) How to Identify a Narcissist
Fully disconnect from them, and stay strong if they try to come back. After a period of time, “They may re-instantiate that same cycle again, with something called hoovering,” Jay Reid explains. “They try to suck the partner back in by doing a little more idealization. It’s the bait that gets put on the hook, and the cycle recommences.” Because narcissistic discard can do a number on your self-esteem, you may feel vulnerable and tempted to let them back in. Remember, fully closing the door is a necessary step if you truly want to heal and move on. Consider unfriending or unfollowing them on social media, deleting their number, or blocking them, if any of these measures will help you resist the temptation to let them back in.
Practice self-compassion. Narcissistic discard can leave you feeling confused and hurt, and it can do a lot of damage to your self-esteem. It’s especially important to show yourself compassion as you heal. Self-compassion involves recognizing when you’re struggling and being kind to yourself in these difficult moments. Try reciting positive affirmations. Choose an empowering phrase, like “I am worthy of love,” or “I deserve to be treated with respect.” Or, imagine your best friend going through the same thing you’re going through. What kind words of support would you say to them? Now direct these compassionate words toward yourself.
Focus on self-care. If you were a romantic partner or close friend to someone with NPD or narcissistic tendencies, you may have spent much more time focusing on their needs than your own. In the aftermath of the relationship, it can be empowering and healing to direct your attention to self-care. Plan a comforting night at home, complete with a relaxing bubble bath, your favorite movies, and delicious takeout. Spend time doing things that bring you joy. Read a good book, engage in your favorite hobbies, spend time in nature—whatever your heart desires! Incorporate relaxing practices like yoga or meditation into your routine to manage stress and find peace. Exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep. These are amazing ways to show your body the love and care it deserves, while also boosting your mood.
Lean on loved ones for support. If you’ve experienced narcissistic discard recently, you may be feeling sad or alone. This is the perfect time to reach out to your network of friends and family. Spending time with loved ones will remind you that there are many people in your life who care about you. This can help you let go and find joy in your other relationships.
Talk to a licensed therapist or counselor. On top of dealing with the pain of being discarded by someone with NPD or narcissistic traits, you may also be dealing with the aftermath of the relationship itself, especially if they engaged in any emotionally abusive behavior. Long-term effects of narcissistic abuse include PTSD, anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues—conditions that can be very tough to deal with on your own. If you’re struggling, a licensed therapist or counselor can help. If you have any friends or family members who work with a therapist, consider asking them for a referral. You can also check out online directories to choose the right therapist for you.
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