- Because BDSM centers around sexual control, it’s important to set strict boundaries with your partner before engaging in BDSM activity to ensure you have their consent.
- Choose toys to use during play prior to engaging in play, such as plugs, leashes, or tickling implements. Pick suitable toys alongside your sub.
- Consider dressing and decorating your session space to match a particular theme, such as 18th-century sex dungeon or futuristic sex lair.
- Be confident and empowered during your session. Adopt the domme persona by bossing your sub around, forbidding them to speak, or "punishing" them.
Consent and Safety
Get your partner’s consent prior to engaging in sexual activity. A dominatrix—sometimes called a domme—takes the leadership role in a sensual or sexual relationship, and her partner (the sub or submissive) agrees to comply with all wishes and orders. But that doesn't mean you don't need your sub's consent! Because BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism) centers around sexual control, it’s imperative that you and your partner share mutually informed consent prior to and during any sexual activity. A person who is intoxicated or unconscious cannot consent. It's also really hard to know how much your body can handle when you're intoxicated. For this and many other reasons, you should never do BDSM play when you're under the influence.
Set boundaries before playing the dominatrix. Prior to engaging in BDSM, talk to your partner about what’s off-limits, and what could be off-limits, depending on a number of factors, including pain, pressure, and psychological discomfort. Using a “want/will/won’t” list can be helpful in determining how you and your sub’s desires align. A “want/will/won’t” list basically lists what you want, what you will do if asked, and what you won’t do. Creating a “contract” can be a fun way to list wants, wills, and won’ts. Though they aren’t legally enforceable, they can create a fantasy with the sub, while setting limits and boundaries within the fantasy itself. Make sure to also discuss what you want to do after a domme session (if anything in particular). Your partner may need you to hold them or reassure them. Listen to what they need from you, and plan for it.
Observe your sub's body language throughout the session to ensure consent. Avoid relying solely on your partner’s words: be sure to watch their body language as well. While it’s common in BDSM for the sub to play the role of “victim,” you can usually tell the difference between BDSM play and a withdrawal of consent, especially if they’re gagged. Look in their eyes, and check to see if their body stiffens, or if they turn away. This is a sign they might not be enjoying the play. If any of this will be part of your play, establish this beforehand.
Determine a safe word/gesture and a caution word/gesture. To ensure consent throughout the play, determine both a safe word and a safe gesture, as well as a caution word and a caution gesture. The caution word/gesture will indicate that they’re not sure or something might be wrong, whereas the safe word/gesture would indicate a definite withdrawal of consent. Examples of safe words and caution words are “stop” and “slow,” or “red” and “yellow.” The gesture will depend on a number of things, including what body parts they can move, and whether you can see their face, among other things. However, simple gestures include stomping, blinking, and nodding or shaking one’s head. It's always important to have a safe word if you're doing anything that involves restricting movement or putting pressure on the airway.
Keep safety shears at arm’s reach during your session. Sometimes ropes become knotted or move to more dangerous places during play. This is why it is essential to have safety shears on hand if you are using rope play. Even if you never end up using them, they should help your partner relax and be in the moment, rather than worrying about possible asphyxiation.
Have water on hand while playing the dominatrix. As with any strenuous exercise, staying hydrated is important. This is especially important if you or the sub is wearing heavy clothing or accessories (like leather). Water can also become part of the play, as you can tease your partner with the water before relinquishing the control of the water.
Take a class to familiarize yourself with the intricacies of being a dominatrix. Because so many BDSM toys have the potential to do actual harm, taking a class on rope safety or being a dominatrix can help you stay safe in the dungeon. Check to see if your local sex shop offers a course—just make sure it’s sex-positive and emphasizes safety and consent.
Manipulating Bodily Sensations
Choose an impact toy. An impact toy is used to hit the body, usually the buttocks, in BDSM play. Impact toys can include whips, canes, and paddles. The type of toy you use will depend on your partner’s comfort level—you might opt for a traditional Indiana Jones-style whip or soft paddles.
Consider using a tickling implement. While people may not immediately consider tickling to be aligned with BDSM play, a tickler can be used similarly to a paddle, but it imparts ticklish discomfort rather than direct pain. It can also be used to tease your partner when you slide it across erogenous zones like the neck or nipples.
Use pinchers or nipple clamps. Pinchers can be used to impart pain or pressure on the skin. Typically they’re used on the nipples. If you’re beginners, only use pinchers or clamps in 10-minute increments, as they cut off circulation to the nipple.
Try anal plugs and dildos. Plugs and dildos are great for all kinds of sexual play, but can be especially fun in BDSM play. When buying a dildo or plug make sure they are non-toxic, and that you have lube that is safe to use with them. Strap-on harnesses are also a great way to exchange power. You can use water-based lube with all toys and condoms. Oil based lubes are no good if you’re using condoms or if you're using any latex, rubber or PVC toys. Silicone lube can’t be used with silicone toys. Vibrating dildos or plugs can really spice things up.
Using Bondage
Choose a rope that is comfortable and at least 5 mm (0.20 in) thick. While the type of rope you choose is largely up to you and your partner, avoid using rope that’s under 5 mm (0.20 in): rope that’s too thin can lead to circulation issues, bruising, nerve damage, and just general discomfort. As for what’s comfortable, this will be up to you and your partner: if you want a softer touch, try a silk rope; for something rougher, a jute rope might do the trick. Cotton, hemp, and nylon are the most common materials people opt for. Approach an employee at your local sex shop about rope options: they’ll likely be able to guide you to the right type of rope based on your needs.
Play safely with rope. Rope can be a dangerous tool in BDSM, as it can, if used improperly, cause nerve damage, asphyxiation, or even death. Be sure to play it safe when using a rope in your dominatrix sessions. When someone is bound, never leave them by themselves. Avoid tying your sub into positions that make breathing difficult, and never press the rope against the front of your partner’s throat. Make sure the ropes are comfortable and allow for circulation. Keep at least a finger’s width of room between the rope and your partner’s skin.
Add cuffs to the play. There are cuffs for the wrists, legs, and even genitalia. They are a quicker way of restraining your partner than rope and can be safer depending on the type. They come in a lot of varieties, from soft velcro to locking metal handcuffs. Again, check with your partner to determine what type to use.
Choose a gag that fits your partner. There are a few different types of gags out there, so talk to your partner about the best fit for them. A ball gag can create an intense sense of vulnerability as it can impede breathing somewhat and stretches the jaw in a way the body isn’t used to. A bit gag is friendlier on the jaw and breathing. With any gag you choose, remember to establish a safe gesture or signal, so your partner can let you know if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable at any point. Don’t keep the gag on for longer than 20 minutes, especially if your partner is new to gag play.
Use a leash. A leash can be fun for the sense of control it offers to the dominatrix and the sense of being controlled it gives to the sub. In order to use a leash safely, don’t pull on it sharply. Make sure the collar is fitted properly, leaving 2 fingers’ width of room between the collar and the skin.
Setting the Tone
Choose a theme prior to play. Whether you’re imagining the 18th-century aristocratic sex dungeons of the Marquis de Sade or a futuristic sex lair, a theme can enliven the fantasy. While you may not want to change your entire bedroom for the theme, you can have props that help create the sense of fantasy you’re envisioning.
Wear clothing that shapes your dominatrix identity. This can include leather or brocade, a mask, a cloak, or really anything that adds a sense of power or mystery to your play. It all depends on your fantasy and your identity as a dom. You can work your outfit into your theme for the room or fantasy—for instance, if you’re going with an 18th-century theme, you might adopt an 18th-century vampire look.
Choose clothing for your sub before your session. Dictating what your sub will wear can be part of the dominatrix play, or you can decide together what your sub will wear during play. This can include hoods, straight jackets, chastity belts, and even feminine clothing. Just make sure your sub is comfortable with the clothing and accessories before embarking on dominatrix play. Consider adding a blindfold to your sub’s wardrobe. A blindfold is a great way of keeping your partner in suspense. You can choose a soft silk blindfold or a leather one depending on your style and the theme. Consider making him wear some of your panties, or even buying a pair just for him. This helps the sub feel more feminine, and can help him be more open to the top.
Add furniture to your dungeon to use during play. Sex furniture or particularly BDSM furniture can add an element of intrigue to your power plays as a dominatrix. From sex swings to cages, there are all kinds of furniture for you to use in your dungeon or bedroom. You can use the furniture to tweak or enhance your theme. Popular props include cages, dentist chairs, and morgue tables. If you don’t have certain props, you can always pretend.
Choose music to play during your session. Whether Bach’s eerie Toccata in D Minor or something from Mozart, the Rock Opera suits your fancy, you can add a layer of sensuality, power, or creepiness through the use of music. Avoid music that distracts, though, and make sure it’s quiet enough that you can still hear your partner over it.
Playing the Dominatrix
During play, tell your partner when they can and cannot speak. Whether your partner is using a gag or not, forbidding them to speak while you're playing the role of domme can be an effective way to evoke pleasure for both of you. You’re the dominatrix: exert your power!
Tell your sub what to say during play. When you tell them what to say, you can do it in character (if you're acting out a fantasy), or even use words you've previously discussed. Either way, the control can be helpful in building intensity. For instance, you can say, "Tell me I'm your queen" or "Tell me exactly what you want."
Tell your partner what to do during your session. Commanding your partner is traditional in a domme/sub relationship, and it can definitely add to the power dynamic. Just make sure you're not asking them to do something you know they wouldn't be comfortable with or that appeared on their “won’t” list. If they use the safe word, stop the action or withdraw your request. That doesn't mean all play has to stop, just that you need to change tactics. Try offering up an alternative to your partner instead. You can say, "If you don't want to kiss me on my lips, will you offer up a kiss on the cheek as an alternative?"
Assign fantasy roles for you both prior to play. Roleplay can be a creative and fun way to increase the tension of a scene. As the domme, you might play a role that has some authority, such as queen, while your sub plays one of your subjects. Other popular dynamics include boss and assistant, doctor and patient, or cop and civilian. If you’ve picked a particular theme for your session, consider choosing roles to match: for instance, if you’ve picked an 18th-century vampire theme, you might be the vampire, and your sub might be the hapless victim who wandered into your castle….
Implement “punishments” as part of the play. Sometimes, dominatrixes will institute punishments for infractions on the part of the sub. Punishments are ways of sexually humiliating your sub, and they may be mutually enjoyable, or painful or unpleasant to your sub, though you both must agree on punishments before play. For instance, you could use any of the impact toys as a way to punish your sub, or you can implement silence or an apology. Discuss punishments with your sub thoroughly before a session, especially if you're new to BDSM. Make sure both you and your sub consent to all punishments before implementing them during play.
Comments
0 comment