How Long Should You Date Before Sleeping with Someone?

How long should you wait to have sex with someone?

There’s no official time you should wait: do it when you feel ready. A common “rule” states that you should wait until you’ve had 3 dates to sleep with someone, but that’s an arbitrary number. The question isn’t “How long am I supposed to wait?” but “How will I know when I’m ready?” Listen to your body’s cues and your own intuition to figure out if now is time—or maybe next week, or never! Maybe you’re not sure when the right time will be, and that’s totally fine, too. How do you listen to your body’s cues? Moore advises “[taking] the time on your own to touch and caress your own body to simply notice what it feels like to be present in your own body and feel sensations. Body awareness is a huge key to a healthy sex life.” And remember, if you do have sex and realize afterward that it wasn’t what you wanted, that’s OK! Just because you have sex one time it doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it.

What counts as “dating” and “sex,” anyway?

Further complicating things, these terms are up for interpretation! Everyone defines “dating” and “sex” differently, so unless you and your partner are totally positive you’re using them in the exact same way, you may not even know when your third date has happened! Openly communicate with your partner to make sure you’re on the same page about what dating and sex look like to both of you. Some people consider a “date” any social outing, while others consider it an official, planned meet-up. Some people might think dating means “exclusivity,” while for others, that isn’t necessarily the case. In the same way, some people may view sex as only P-in-V (penis in vagina), while others would also include oral and anal sex. Still others may view any intimate act—like getting to third base or even kissing—as “sex.”

Where did the “3-date rule” come from?

This rule came from society’s attempts to control women’s bodies. The exact origins of the 3-date rule are uncertain, but it likely cropped up in the 1980s or 1990s, after which shows like Sex and the City launched it into the mainstream. Guidelines like the 3-date rule are society’s attempts to control our bodies (especially women’s bodies, but also men’s) and maintain traditional, heteronormative gender expectations. Waiting a certain number of dates can be a way to ensure a woman is “virtuous,” “worthy” of marrying, and not too “easy,” which is just…*eyeroll*. At the same time, the 3-date rule implies that a woman “owes” sex to the man who took her out. (There’s no winning here!) The 3-date rule presumes that somehow both parties will automatically be ready and eager to have sex by date number 3, when in reality some women may want to have sex much earlier and some men may want to have sex much later, or vice versa.

How long do people wait, on average?

Most people tend to wait a few weeks. Again, the actual answer depends on how you define “sex” and “dating,” and just as a reminder, the “average” shouldn’t dictate how long you wait! But a 2014 study reported that 47.9% of people waited a few weeks before having sex with a new partner; 35.5% had sex on the first date or within the first few weeks of dating; and 9.9% had sex before the first date. A 2019 survey found that men waited an average of 5 dates to have sex, while women waited an average of 9 dates. (The study didn’t collect data on nonbinary people.) These studies both define “dating” as an in-person meetup and “sex” as heterosexual vaginal intercourse, both of which are pretty limiting definitions, but it’s what we’ve got to work with.

How will I know when I’m ready to have sex?

Trust your body, intuition, and knowledge of the other person. For instance, you may physically want to have sex with someone, but you may not trust them enough yet. Or maybe you trust your date, but you just don’t feel physically ready to have sex, or you’ve been drinking and don’t feel sober enough to respect your own boundaries. Consider the questions below—if you’re able to answer “yes” to all of them (not just one or two), you may be ready to have sex. (But even if you say “yes” to all of them, you still may not feel ready—and that’s OK!) Will having sex with this person bring me pleasure? Do I trust them? Am I safe to be physically intimate in this way with them? Can I respect my own boundaries as well as theirs? Moore advises “[practicing] self-pleasure first. Knowing your own body and what you enjoy is a great [way to be] empowered in your sex life from a young age to honor your body and ask for what you want. Remember that sex isn’t just about having an orgasm but about exploring pleasure in all aspects in your body and using it as a time to establish a deeper connection with your own body.”

Communicate with your partner to make sure they’re on the same page. While you shouldn’t have sex unless you want to and feel ready, you should also respect your partner’s feelings and needs, too—even if you’re ready, if they’re not, then don’t pressure them. Moore recommends “having a conversation with your sexual partner(s) about safe sex, [and planning] for health and safety rather than just going with the flow and seeing what happens.” To make sure you’re both on the same page regarding sex, consider asking them these questions: How do you define sex, and what does having sex mean to you? Do you feel ready to have sex? What do you need to feel safe before, during, and after having sex?

How do I know if I shouldn’t have sex?

Avoid having sex if it’s not what you (and your partner) want. There are a lot of situations in which outside factors might make you feel tempted to have sex before you’re really ready. In addition to trying to listen to your own intuition to decide if you’re ready to have sex, consider if there is anyone else telling you—implicitly or explicitly—that you should have sex. Don’t have sex if: You feel pressured or manipulated by your partner or anyone else. You feel like it’s your only way out of the situation. You feel like you owe it to your partner. Also remember that you can start having sex and change your mind halfway through—that’s totally normal and OK, and if your partner is kind, they’ll respect your decision. EXPERT TIP Nicole Moore Nicole Moore Love & Relationship Coach Nicole Moore is a Love and Relationship Coach and the Founder and CEO of Love Works Method, a private coaching and digital course service for women looking to find the right partner. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in body language and helping others take control of their dating life, attract a partner, and build a strong relationship. Nicole has been featured in numerous publications such as Cosmopolitan, Forbes, and USA Today. She also hosts Love Works with Nicole Moore, a podcast for modern women wanting love, dating, and relationship advice. Nicole holds a BA in Public Relations and Spanish from Syracuse University and a Certificate in Personal Coaching from New York University. Nicole Moore Nicole Moore Love & Relationship Coach Remember that sex is about you and not about getting someone else to like you. If you find yourself engaging in risky behavior sexually, stop and ask yourself why. Are you trying to win someone’s approval, get back at your parents, or deal with your emotions by distracting via sex? Remember that sex can’t solve your problems and shouldn’t be used as a way to run away from emotions.

How many dates should you go on before kissing?

We sound like a broken record, but it’s the same answer: it depends! There’s no “right” or “wrong” amount of time to wait before kissing, sex, holding hands, sleeping over, sharing embarrassing moments, making your date look at your weird art, having your date meet your parents, saying “I love you,” or anything else. Some people like to kiss at the end of the first date, while others may prefer to wait until a later time. Still others may think a polite peck is appropriate on a first date, while others may reserve more intimate kissing for a second or third meeting.

Final Thoughts

When and with whom you have sex should be up to you. Not anyone else! It’s common to feel pressure to have sex when you’re not ready, or to keep having sex if you’ve had it once. Remember, you get to change your mind whenever and however many times you want. If your date or anybody else tries to pressure you into having sex when you’re not ready, they don’t have your best interests at heart. But remember that at the end of the day, sex is just sex, and having it or not having it doesn’t define you.