How to Deal with a Narcissist Boyfriend

Accept your boyfriend for who he is right now.

Narcissists aren’t likely to change, so try not to get your hopes up. While people with narcissistic personality disorder do have the potential to change their ways a little bit, they usually need professional help to do it. Try to take your boyfriend at face-value, and let go of the hope that he’s going to make any drastic changes in your relationship. This might sound discouraging, but the sooner you accept him for who he is, the better. You may even feel more at peace once you stop holding onto the hope that he’ll change.

Put your own needs first.

Don’t let his need for attention trump your own needs. When you’re dating a narcissist, you might notice that slowly but surely, all of his needs get put first. This is likely because, like most narcissists, he lacks empathy—which means he’s not thinking about your needs at all. Remember to prioritize yourself, too, and don’t let him steamroll you. You can do this with big things, like where you want to live, or even small things, like where you want to go to dinner. The more you put your own needs first, the better you’ll feel.

Try not to take things personally.

Let his words roll off your back so they don’t hurt you. Many narcissists will belittle their loved ones or call them names in order to feel like they’re better than them. If your boyfriend does this, remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It can be really hard to stay calm and not react when someone is saying mean things about you (especially when it’s your partner). If you need to, walk into the other room and take some time for yourself before talking to him again.

Set clear boundaries.

Boundaries tell your boyfriend what you are and aren’t okay with. When you’re dating a narcissist, you might notice that he tries to push your boundaries to see just how far you’ll let him go. Tell him your boundaries clearly, and set real, actionable consequences that you can follow through with if he disregards them. “If you belittle me in public again, I’m leaving this relationship.” “I’m not going to talk to you if you keep calling me names. Let’s revisit this conversation once you’ve calmed down.”

De-escalate fights with empathy.

Make your boyfriend feel heard to calm him down. Many narcissists struggle with feeling like no one truly gets where they’re coming from. If your boyfriend tries to pick a fight with you, calmly tell him that you see why he’s upset, and try to relate to him. The more you can convey that you understand him, the more comforted he’ll feel. “I understand why you feel upset. I’d probably feel the same way.” “I totally get why you’re angry. That would make me mad, too.”

Trust your own sense of reality.

Stand firm in your sense of self so it doesn’t get warped. Narcissists tend to believe that their version of reality is the only reality. When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it can sometimes feel like you’re going crazy—they might blame you for things you didn’t do, or tell you about conversations that didn’t happen. This is called “gaslighting,” and it’s a common manipulation tactic used by narcissists. If you ever feel like you’re remembering something wrong, try writing it down. That way, you have concrete evidence of what happened that you can look back on. Or, repeat a mantra to yourself, like, “My version of reality is right. No one else can tell me what happened to me.”

Praise his good behavior.

Positive reinforcement makes a narcissist more likely to change. If your boyfriend does something that you can tell takes a lot of effort, praise him for it so he can see that you’ve noticed. Not only will you feed his ego, but you’ll let him know that he should do the same thing in the future. “These flowers are beautiful! Thank you so much for thinking of me while you were out and about.” “I really appreciate you giving me so much grace when I messed up earlier. I can tell that wasn’t easy.”

Lean on your support system.

Your loved ones can give you strength in a tough relationship. It can be hard when your partner doesn’t meet all of your emotional needs. Try to talk to your friends and family about what you’re going through, and take comfort in the fact that they’ll always be there for you. You don’t have to use your friends and family to vent about your boyfriend if you don’t want to. Even hanging out with them as a distracting activity can be a nice way to take your mind off things.

Practice self care.

Dating a narcissist can be hard, so be kind to yourself. You might feel stressed or worn out after dealing with your boyfriend’s behavior. Try doing something calming and relaxing at least once a day, like practicing yoga, doing meditation, or soaking in a bubble bath. Practicing self care looks different for everyone, so don’t be afraid to try a few things until you find what’s right for you.

Encourage your boyfriend to seek help.

A professional may be able to help treat your boyfriend’s symptoms. While it’s unlikely that a narcissist can change all of their ways, talking to a mental health professional can help your boyfriend find coping mechanisms and better ways to handle his emotions. Tell your boyfriend that you think he should seek help, and that you’ll assist him however you can. “Hey honey? I know we’ve talked about a therapist before, but I really think talking to someone might be helpful for you. I care about you a lot, and I just want you to be happy.” “I think talking to a professional could be good for you. They might be able to help you work through your emotions and understand where you’re coming from.”

Talk to a mental health professional.

If your mental health is struggling, a professional can help. Dating a narcissist isn’t easy, and you may find yourself stressed out or exhausted. If that’s the case, make an appointment with a therapist or counselor to talk about what you’re going through. A professional can help you find strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with your boyfriend’s behavior.

End the relationship if you need to.

If your relationship is abusive or toxic, it’s time for you to leave. Remember, you deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. If you’ve tried a few methods but you’re still having trouble dating your boyfriend, sit him down and end the relationship. Leaving a narcissist isn’t always easy. Make sure you have a plan in place to keep yourself safe. If you’re in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.