Setting Appropriate Boundaries
Encourage separate interests. A good way to get some space from a needy significant other is to encourage both of you to pursue separate interests. Both of you may have things you like that the other doesn’t, and this is a good thing. Suggest that your significant other get involved in an activity they like to do and then you do the same. For example, you may encourage your significant other to join a fitness program or recreational sports team, get involved with a volunteer organization or join a community theater. You may suggest they take an art or photography class, or join a club. Be supportive and positive about your significant other’s pursuit of a new activity. Make it a positive thing. For example, you might try saying something like, “I think it is so cool that you are learning how to decorate cakes! That’s a really great skill to have.” If your significant other only likes what you like, then help them find their own interests. Ask them what they like, what they did before you got together, and what have they always wanted to learn. Refrain from saying things like, “We need some space” or “This is a good way for me to find some friends who aren’t you.”
Set boundaries about going out without each other. You and your significant other may have many of the same friends, but you probably have your own separate friends, too. When you go out with your friends, you should set boundaries about contacting each other while visiting with others. For example, when you’re out with your friends, it might be frustrating for your significant other to text you non-stop. Instead, set a limit about number of texts and phone calls you both make to each other when you are with other people, such as just checking in with each other once per night. There’s nothing wrong with texting or calling to let your significant other know you have changed plans or will be coming home later, but neither of you should obsessively text the other.
Suggest doing tasks alone. To help establish your own identities and independence, suggest to your partner that you do tasks alone. You don’t have to do everything together as a couple. Not every moment has to be spent together. Doing things alone doesn’t mean you love or care for one another any less. For example, you can go to the grocery store or to wash your car alone. You can go workout or go to work in the yard without your significant other. You can even watch television or movies alone.
Be honest about your time apart. When you decide to do things apart, reassure your partner that you care about them. Tell them what your plans are and talk about the fact that you can share your experiences with them after you return. Tell them that this is a good time for them to do something on their own as well, and that you are excited about hearing about what they did in their personal time.
Meet new people. To help your significant other reduce their dependence on you, make an effort to go out and meet new people. This can be through friends you already have, through family, or through social activities. Encourage your partner to make friends. Tell them that you think meeting new people and going out with others is a good thing for them.
Working on Your Relationship
Raise the issue. Instead of ignoring the issue until you explode and get mad, talk about the issue as soon as possible. Be open and honest about your feelings, but kind and caring towards your partner. You may be able to work through the problem if you talk about it. Perhaps your partner has a problem with some of your behavior or is uncomfortable about certain things. Knowing this can help you come to a solution. Try initiating the conversation by saying something like, “I feel like we are spending a little too much time together and I think I need more space. Can we discuss this?” Try to focus on the future and be specific about what you would like to see change. For example, you might say something like, “I think it would be good for us to have one evening apart every week. You can spend time alone with your friends and I will spend some time with my friends.”
Listen to your partner. Listening to your significant other’s feelings and taking them seriously will help open the pathway to fixing the problem. Showing that you care enough to talk about the issue, work through it, and take their criticism seriously may help lessen their neediness. Ask your partner an open-ended question about what he or she thinks about what you just shared. For example, try saying something like, “What do you think about this?” Make sure that you remove all distractions before you start talking so you can give your significant other your full attention. Put away your phone, turn off the TV, shut down your computer, and choose a quiet time and place to talk. While your significant other is talking, face them and make eye contact. You can also show that you are listening by nodding and using neutral statements, such as “yes,” “I see,” and “go on.”
Let your significant other know what your needs are. Your partner may not know that you want more space or that you think they are too needy. Sit down with your significant other and talk to them assertively, stating your opinions in a firm but kind manner. Let them know that you love being with them and spending time with them, but you would like a little more space. Explain that you want to do things for yourself, like work out, enjoy a hobby, or relax. Tell them that you may need half an hour to decompress after work alone, or you may want to have a night out with your friends. It is good to be specific about what your needs are so that your significant other will know what to expect. Try to explain your needs to your significant other by saying something like, “I understand that you love spending time with me, but I am a different person with different needs. I need more time to myself to get certain things done.” Avoid waiting until you are angry and frustrated to deal with this. That can lead to fights and words that you may not mean.
Work on building trust. One way to help reduce the neediness of your significant other is to work on building trust between the two of you. Trust in a relationship is one of the most important things, especially if your partner has insecurities that causes them to be overly attached or emotional. Being reliable, doing what you say you’re going to do, and being open and honest are cornerstones of building trust in a relationship. Help your partner know you care by being someone they can count on. Don’t lie to your partner, even if you are trying to spare their feelings. If you lie and your partner finds out, it may make them more insecure and make the more needy. Be there for your partner. Your significant other may be needy due to past relationships, mental health issues, or other reasons. Don’t leave your partner or ignore their needs. Establishing boundaries and space for the two of you doesn’t mean you should abandon your partner. Make sure they know you care.
Set relationship goals together. One way to help deal with your needy significant other is to establish goals for your relationship together. Talk to one another about what you want and need from the relationship. Be specific about the goals and make sure they have clear and concrete markers. Goals can be about anything. Talk about where you want to be in one, two, five, or even twenty years. For example, your goals might be to take a vacation together to an exotic location combined with spending one night a week doing an activity alone or with other people.
Acknowledge what upsets each of you. Many times, when you are in a needy, clingy relationship, things will trigger an emotional, needy response. As you start to deal with your needy partner, be honest and discuss what the problem is. This will help open up the path for compromise and rebuilding the relationship. For example, if your partner gets upset if you don’t answer texts, try explaining why you do this sometimes. For example, you might say something like, “I can’t always check my phone at work. I get busy and I can’t respond to your texts right away, so it is better to text me after work or wait for me to text you.” Being able to acknowledge and address the issues can bring awareness so you both can work together to eliminate the behaviors.
Know when to end the relationship. You may come to a point where ending the relationship is the only way you can set healthy boundaries. Ending the relationship may be a last resort if you want to try to save your relationship. You may choose to end the relationship if it is no longer healthy for you. For example, you may want to end the relationship if your significant other refuses to get help or acknowledge the problem. You may decide to end the relationship if your partner has become controlling. Another reason you may want to end the relationship is because your significant other has gotten physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive.
Seeking Professional Help
Find out if the neediness was caused by past problems. If your significant other is needy, there may be a reason they feel so attached and clingy to you. Talk to them about why they feel this way. Perhaps it is caused by a past trauma or relationship, a mental illness, or severe insecurities from childhood. Don’t just write off your significant other as crazy or obsessive. There may be a reason for their behavior that you can find out and then work on fixing.
Encourage treatment for anxiety or phobias. Sometimes, neediness stems from anxieties or fears. Perhaps they have anxiety about being unable to keep you because they feel too boring, ugly, or not good enough. Sometimes, the person may constantly be worried about something happening to you or that you will cheat. If they suffer from phobias, they may extend that phobia to you. If this the case for your significant other, encourage them to get treatment for the anxiety disorder. There are many ways to manage and treat anxiety and phobias. Suggest that your significant other see a therapist or psychologist. Psychotherapy, such as talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, can help reduce anxiety symptoms. Relaxation techniques, like deep breathing and meditation, can help reduce anxiety symptoms. Regular exercise, like walking or yoga, also helps manage the disorder.
See a relationship counselor. You may benefit from going to a relationship counselor. A counselor can help mitigate problems between you and your significant other. A counselor or therapist may be able to help uncover underlying issues in the relationship. When going into relationship counseling, you both should approach it with an open mind. The counselor may point out problems on both sides, not just on your significant other. A counselor can help you find healthy ways to work through your issues.
Encourage your partner to find inner happiness. Much of your partner’s neediness may stem from their insecurities. Encourage your significant other to work on their self-esteem. Help your partner see them the way that you do. Feeling like they need to be with you always, that they’re not good enough, or feeling insecure may stem from a lack of self-confidence. Encourage your significant other to focus on themselves instead of you. They need to find their own interests and hobbies. Help your significant other realize their good qualities. Encourage them to start seeing themselves as a separate, independent person outside of you. Your significant other may need to get help from a therapist. A severe lack of self-esteem is a problem that may take months or even years to remedy.
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