Minimizing His Influence
See that he’s the problem, not you. Are you blaming yourself for your dad’s angry outbursts, excessive drinking, neglect, or emotional instability? Many kids think their parents behave badly because of something they did wrong. If this sounds like you, stop blaming yourself. No matter what your dad or anyone else says, you’re not responsible for his behavior. Your father is an adult, so he's responsible for himself. If you’re having trouble realizing that you’re not to blame, talk to another adult about what you’re feeling. It may also help to remind yourself by reciting an affirmation like, “Dad is responsible for himself. I am not to blame for his behavior.” Remember that your dad’s behavior does not have anything to do with you. His behavior may be the result of how he was raised, his own trauma, a mental illness, or other factors.
Avoid picking up his bad habits. Living in a household with a dad who has negative habits may make you worry about picking them up. It's true that there's a chance that kids can develop habits--how to handle relationships, conflict, and substance abuse from their parents--but it's not a certainty.
Take positive action in your life. That way, you'll be able to sidestep his influence and avoid developing these behavioral patterns later. To minimize your chances of substance abuse, participate in extracurriculars at school. Involvement in such activities lowers your risk. Try to identify the unhealthy behaviors you don't want to pick up from your father. Then, look for another role model who demonstrates the types of behaviors you do want. Similarly, if you are being neglected or abused, start working with a counselor to address these issues. Getting help can help you minimize your chances of demonstrating the same behavioral patterns with your own children.
Find other father figures and role models. You can soften the influence your terrible father has on you by seeking out positive relationships with men who are role models. Form relationships with men who are leaders in your school, work, or community. These influences may counter some of the negative effects of having a bad father. Participate in mentoring programs like Boys Club or Girls, Inc. You might also connect with positive role models by reaching out to teachers, coaches, community leaders, or spiritual advisors. You might reach out by saying something like, "Coach Greg, I really look up to you. My own dad is hardly ever around. Do you think you could mentor me?" Consider your friends’ dads as well. If you have a friend who has a good dad, then you might ask your friend if it would be okay if you tag along for some of their activities.
Build a positive support group. You can further absorb the negative effects of a terrible father by surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. While relationships with others can’t necessarily replace your father, they can offer protection against stress. Lean on good friends and family members for social support.
Keep your distance. If your terrible father is a part of your life, but you find his presence tends to make things worse, get some distance from him. Protect yourself from further psychological harm by reducing the amount of time you spend around him. If you visit your father only occasionally, ask your second parent if you can stop the visits. If your father lives in the same household as you, limit the time you spend around him by excusing yourself to your room whenever possible.
Recovering Emotionally
Identify the things that have hurt you. Start by making a list of the belief that you have about yourself, and consider how each one of these beliefs was formed. Then, work on identifying behaviors that come from those beliefs and work on refuting them. For example, if your dad has told you repeatedly that you’re not smart, then you may have accepted this. This belief may have affected your grades. You can refute this belief by asking for additional help with subjects that have been challenging for you and by improving in these areas, you can show yourself that you are smart.
Write a letter, but don’t deliver it. Unloading your thoughts and feelings onto a sheet of paper can be cathartic, giving you an outlet for pent-up emotions. Deal with any unresolved feelings about your father by writing a letter. Write out everything that you have ever wanted to say to him in as much detail as possible. After you’ve finished writing, read the letter aloud to yourself as if you were sharing it with him. Then, destroy the letter by burning it or tearing it to shreds. This exercise is designed to help you heal, so delivering the letter is not required. However, if you’d like to send it, go for it.
Start a self-care practice. There are many negative effects of having a father who is physically or psychologically absent, such as poor future relationships and mental health problems. Counter these effects by nurturing yourself with regular self-care. Self-care can be anything that helps you feel nurtured. Try watching your favorite movies or TV shows, going for a quiet walk in nature, or massaging away the tension in your shoulders.
Learn to identify your strengths. Feeling unloved or alienated by your father can result in self-hatred and low self-esteem. To counter these emotional problems, make an effort to highlight your personal strengths. Doing so can help you feel more self-confident despite lacking needed support from your dad. Sit down and make a list of all the things you’re good at. If you have trouble coming up with strengths, ask a close friend to help you. Post your list on your mirror so that it’s always visible. Add to it when you discover more strengths. Write down compliments you get from other people, such as teachers or other adults that you respect. Then, when you’re feeling low, look at the list of compliments to remind yourself of what other people really think of you.
Confide in a friend you trust. The emotional wounds of having a terrible father may run deep, but it can help to share your feelings with others. Identify at least one friend with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings. Talking to someone can facilitate the healing process. You might reach out by saying, “My relationship with my dad is really troubling me. I could use someone to talk to.”
Talk to someone in authority. In addition to talking to your friends, it can also help to tell an adult what's happening at home. Try talking to another relative, a teacher, or your school counselor. You might say, "Things are really tough at home. Dad's drinking is getting worse and I don't know what to do." Know that some people in authority might have to report your father's behavior to the police or child protective services. If you do not want your father to get into trouble, you might avoid going into specifics with these individuals or talk to a peer's parent or an adult relative instead.
Surviving Abuse
Don't argue with an abusive dad. If your dad is angry or violent, avoid arguing or trying to reason with him. In such a situation, the best way to handle the situation is to remain quiet and only speak when you are directly spoken to. Arguing or trying to explain your perspective may make him angrier and put you in harm's way.
Find a safe place to go. If you live with an abusive father, think of a place you can escape to when he’s at his worst. Getting out of his sight may protect you from verbal or physical attacks. If you have younger siblings, bring them along, too. A safe haven might be a friend’s or neighbor’s house or a park near your home.
Tell someone about the abuse. To stop the cycle of abuse, you have to speak out. Doing so can be frightening as you might fear the abuse will get worse if you tell. However, if you say nothing, you can’t get the help you need. Pull aside an adult you trust, such as a teacher, coach, or school counselor, and tell them what’s happening at home. Most people who work with kids in an official capacity are mandated reporters. This means that they have to call child protective services or the police if they suspect or hear about abuse, and if they don’t, they get in trouble. If you are in the US or Canada, you can also call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child for assistance 24 hours a day. If you're in the United Kingdom, call 0808 800 5000 to speak to someone anonymously.
Call the police if you're in immediate danger. If your dad is threatening to harm you or someone else in your family, don't hesitate to alert the local police. Never assume he will calm down or that his threats are empty. If you are in a life-threatening situation, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away.
See a therapist. Participating in therapy can help bring to light some of the wounds you have developed due to having an abusive father. It’s a safe place to explore and try to resolve long-buried feelings that are affecting your ability to thrive. If you are a minor, ask your second parent or another guardian if you can talk to a therapist. You can also ask your school counselor if there is someone who you can talk to while you’re at school. If you are an adult, ask your family doctor for a mental health referral.
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