Evaluating the Situation
Analyze your feelings. At the end of any relationship, there are floods of emotions you go through. Examining what you are really feeling is often avoided because it is difficult and can be painful. Take the time to explore how you really feel about your ex so you will be calm and confident when you pursue her, or you'll be able to move on. Are you feeling hurt? Sad? Rejected? When relationships don't work, it's easy to feel rejected, like something is “wrong” with you, or just sad over the loss of that connection. Are you jealous she has moved on? Jealousy is a powerful emotion, you may be feeling jealous because you still have feelings for her and she is with someone new, or it may be you wanting to be in any relationship again. Are you lonely? It is common to feel lonely during a breakup, consider that you may just want her back to avoid feeling lonely.
Investigate what went wrong. Be honest about why the relationship ended; knowing what went wrong in your relationship can help you determine whether it's best to get back together. Think about any issues you may have had in the major areas of safety, trust, honesty, and communication. Also try and investigate why she moved on with someone else. Determine whether your relationship suffered from: Poor communication, including constant criticism, not sharing your thoughts or feelings, excessive expression of anger, and not being appreciated or feeling neglected. Mistakes or dishonesty like cheating, lying, or stealing. Unequal feelings, where one partner was more intense or invested than the other. External factors like family, culture, or religion.
Spend time with her. If you are both open to it, hanging out may help especially if you are not sure what happened between you, or how you feel about her. Be careful to not try to be friends too soon, and make this a one-time event to help you both navigate the new circumstances. Ask her if you could spend some time with her. Be honest, let her know you are “working through some stuff” or “trying to figure things out” for yourself. Try not to mention anything about your breakup while you are hanging out. Keep the contact between you friendly, casual, lighthearted, and doing something fun. Be prepared that she may not be ready for this step yet and that you might not be either. Tread carefully and be respectful, as the two of you spending time together may cause difficulties in the new relationship she is in.
Be respectful of her new relationship. During this time of evaluation and while you are trying to win her back, keep in mind that she is in a new relationship. Try not to obsess over her new relationship, why she choose that guy, or what she sees in him. Centralizing your thoughts there will only make you more upset and you are more likely to come across as jealous. Instead give them space and the same respect you hope they are giving you and your relationship with her.
Listen to her. It is important that you listen to what she is saying and try to consider her feelings. Even if you have figured out where you are, and where you would like to go in the situation, she may not have yet. Give her time to get comfortable around you again and wait for her to open up to you about what she wants. Some common pitfalls to try and avoid include: Assuming that she feels the same way about you that you feel about her. She might feel completely different, or may still be figuring out how she feels. If she won't talk to you about it, talking to her friends or anyone else she knows. The relationship, and the break-up, are between the two of you no one else. Not hearing her when she is telling you what she needs or wants. If she is asking you for some time and space, give it to her. She may need both to think things through or gain perspective.
Getting Her Back
Get comfortable around each other again. Getting comfortable around each other again is going to take time and effort. It may be difficult if you still have feelings for her as you will want to talk to her and be around her all the time. Try and start slow, making sure you are giving her time to be comfortable around you again, too. At the beginning, just make eye contact and smile at her, showing her you are doing well and do not hold onto bad feelings towards her. Send her a private message, on important days (like birthdays), letting her know you were thinking about her. Make these messages infrequent, short, and lighthearted. When you do talk, talk about something you are both interested in. Maintain your boundaries and keep the conversation fun and as stress-free as possible. Respect that she is with someone new, and know that getting comfortable around each other again includes having to be respectful of her and that relationship.
Rebuild the trust. Depending on the circumstances of the break-up, a good deal of trust may have to be rebuilt. Maybe she broke up with you, your trust that you will not get hurt again needs to be established. Maybe you did something to hurt her, and she will have to rebuild her trust in you. Whatever the circumstance, trust can be rebuilt given enough time and effort. Become trustworthy of yourself. Listen to your inner voice and let it guide you towards what is right and healthy for you. Be honest, with yourself and each other. Lying and poor communication contribute to the failure of trust, and as such, need to be absent while you are building trust. Be dependable and consistent. If you say you are going to be somewhere or do something specific, follow through on it. Be respectful of the hurt you both felt or still feel, her, her new relationship, yourself, and your time. Beware of your jealousy of her new relationship. Being rude to her current boyfriend will only serve to show her she made the right decision in moving on.
Apologize. Given the end of a relationship, there is an apology likely needed somewhere. Apologizing shows growth and maturity in you as a person and is a great first step to rebuilding trust. If you can, apologize to her in person. Make eye contact and be specific in your apology. Be prepared that she may not accept it right away or apologize back. ”I'm sorry for the way things ended between us.” ”I'm sorry for how I've been acting and how that has affected you.” ”I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm trying to figure out why I did what I did, but I didn't mean to cause you pain.” ”I know you are with someone new, and I'm not expecting anything from you, I just wanted you to know that I am sorry.”
Try being friends first. As you rebuild trust with each other, you may decide you would like to try and become friends. Becoming friends gives you a great opportunity to be there for her when she needs someone, get to know each other again, and remind her of what she liked about you in the beginning of your relationship. Introduce her to your fun, playful side again by telling a joke or by making her laugh. Spend time hanging out with each other doing fun activities like going for coffee or going to the movies with a group of mutual friends. If she is interested in something or has a particular talent or skill, show interest in that. For example, if she plays basketball well, ask her to show you how to play. Be a positive and encouraging force in her life. Work to make your friendship a positive one for the both of you, maybe she might be missing this in her new relationship.
Spark the conversation about your relationship. This is a pretty big step to take, and one you should take with caution. If things have been going well between you as friends, or in her new relationship, consider how you would like to move forward. If you still want to try again at your relationship, make the conversation between the two of you an intentional one. You could start by finding out how she feels about your break-up, as well as how she feels about her new relationship. Take this step privately, this is between the two of you and no one else. Buy her a flower and write her a note, saying "Hey, do you want to hang out later? I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I know things ended badly between us. Can we talk?" Write her a short note or letter saying, “I know you are with someone new now, but there are some things I would just like you to know. Could we meet up and talk?” Ask her to talk in person. “I have some things I want to talk to you about, but I really want to do it face to face. When is a good time for you to meet up?”
Have an honest talk. Set aside some time, and choose a comfortable place for you both to talk together. As you are talking with her, maintain eye contact and open body language, being open and honest with her in everything that you say and feel. You have been working up to this for a long time, be confident and be true to yourself. Focus on you. Let her know what you've been thinking about, and what you've learned since your break-up. Show her how you think you have changed. If there are things you have discovered about yourself along the way, tell her. Tell her what she's done for you. It will make her happy to hear you think you are a better person for having been with her, or that being around her made you feel calm and content. Tell her you still have feelings for her. Let her know how you feel now, and if you would like to get back together with her. Acknowledge that you know she is with someone else, but in order to be true to how you feel, and the two of you, you had to at least try. Thank her for hearing you out and let her know that you don't expect a response right away. As difficult as it may be, give her time to process what you have said.
Solidifying the Relationship
Make necessary changes. If the conversation goes well, and the result is that you get back together, then make sure this time the relationship is better. Determine what has changed or how you would like it to be different this time. Pick specific problem areas and find solutions to each one together. If she felt under-appreciated, do something nice without expecting anything back, just because. If you felt that you never went anywhere, or did anything fun, then plan dates or fun things to do together. If communication was a problem, make sure she knows how you feel about her. Tell her how much you missed her.
Talk to each other. Make sure that as you go forward in your relationship, you keep solid communication. At the start, agree on common goals and the direction you want the relationship to go. Make an agreement with each other to talk things out if you are having problems and a plan in place for when things get rough. Communicate with each other that you are committed to moving on from what happened in the past and making it work. Acknowledge that in getting back together, it means the end of the relationship she was in with someone else. Be open and be available to talk through that if she wants to.
Have your own lives. Chances are, your lives have been wrapped up in each other recently. To have a successful relationship, you have to have your own identities as well. Make sure you have room to be your own people in your relationship together. Give her time to spend with her friends and you with yours. Engage in your hobbies and interests together if you want, but separately is good too. Build more trust and confidence in yourselves as a couple.
Moving on
Cope with the break-up. Getting her back may not work the way you want it to, and you might have to accept that it is truly over between the two of you. Trust that you did what you thought you had to, to be true to yourself and your feelings, and that maybe it wasn't meant to be. Begin the work of getting over the relationship so you can move on with your life. Know that you'll go through many different emotions, and that it's perfectly normal to feel anxious, sad, angry, and confused all at once. Spend time with friends, talk to them about how you are feeling. It is probable that your friends understand how you feel and can help you get through it. Take care of your body. Make sure you are getting enough to eat, getting enough sleep, being at least a little active (like taking a walk) and keeping up with hygiene.
Give it time. Everything takes time, especially when healing from a loss. Give yourself time to grieve the relationship and get yourself to a place where you can move on. Don't fight it. Pretending that “everything's fine” is only going to prolong the process. Give yourself permission to go through the grief. Remind yourself that it will get better and you have the chance to fall in love again when you are ready. Do things that you enjoy. Engaging in things you like will help improve your mood and boost your confidence.
Give it space. Even though you may want to spend time with her and around her as friends, it will be easier for you to heal if you take some time apart. Being around her may just remind you of the relationship you had and of what you miss. Let her know that you just need some time and space. If she asks about being friends, be honest with her about if you think you can be friends some day down the road or not. Try to steer clear of her social media, chances are what you see there will only make you upset and prolong the healing process for you.
Head back out there. When you're ready, get yourself back out into the dating world. Relationships can be difficult and painful, but they can also be wonderful. Avoid hiding yourself away, you have a lot to offer and a lot to give to a special person who is out there waiting to meet you!
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