How to Respond to Stonewalling

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a complete refusal to listen to your partner's point of view. Someone who's stonewalling may not want to listen to you at all, or if they do, they immediately dismiss your comments. Other signs of stonewalling include: Refusal to answer questions. Avoiding someone. Treating someone disrespectfully (rolling their eyes or not giving their full attention). Walking away from someone who's speaking. Refusing to discuss their behavior.

Why do people stonewall?

Stonewalling is often a coping mechanism. If someone feels attacked or uncomfortable, they might shut down. People also stonewall to avoid conflict or reduce tension, even though you may feel anxious or frustrated if you're the one being stonewalled. Sometimes, a person stonewalls in order to manipulate someone. There's no simple cause for stonewalling, especially since someone might stonewall for a combination of reasons.

Responding to Stonewalling

Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Assess the situation before you assume your partner is stonewalling. If you automatically assume the worst about your partner, you might be looking too much into their behavior. For instance, instead of thinking, "When I'm upset, he never shares what he's feeling. He's so insensitive," you might train yourself to think, "He's not really communicative right after he gets home from work. He's not ignoring me—he's just worn out from a long day." If it's hard for you to see your partner's behavior for what it really is, you may want to step back and get some space. You might find that after an hour of reflection, you feel a lot better and you may realize that there are some things you want to talk about with the other person.

Let them have some space. Avoid pleading, urging, and pushing them to talk. You can't force them to talk with you—this might even make things worse. If you try to have a conversation or you start arguing, they'll become defensive and may shut down even more. On the other hand, don't give them the silent treatment. This sends a message that this kind of behavior is acceptable. Just tell them how the silent treatment makes you feel and leave it at that for now.

Tell your partner that you want to talk later. Mention it now so they're not surprised when you bring it up later. Before you give your partner some space, you might say something like, "We really need to talk about what's going on, but I think we both need to process how we're feeling right now," or, "I don't know what's happening with you and I do want to talk about it later, but I need some space." It might help to agree on a phrase or signal to let your partner know you need to take a break from the conversation. For instance, it could be something short and to the point like, "Feeling overwhelmed." If you're the one that's not ready to talk to them, yet, that's fine! Just say something like, "I really want to talk about this with you, but I need a bit more space before we can discuss it."

Take a short break from each other. Give each other physical and emotional space so you can both cool down. Chances are, you're both feeling overwhelmed or upset, even if you're expressing it in different ways. Go into another room or get out of your home so there's some space between the two of you. Stress hormones make your heart rate go up and your blood pressure increase, which can make it really difficult to have an important emotional conversation with someone.

Put yourself in their shoes. Empathize with the other person since they're probably in pain. It's easy to concentrate on how they're making you feel, but consider for a moment what's leading them to stonewall. Stonewalling is usually a tactic someone uses when they can't think of other ways to handle their emotions—they're hurting, even if they won't express it. Sometimes, reminding yourself that the other person needs support but that they don't know how to ask for it can help you interact with more kindness.

Have a conversation when they’re ready to talk. Give the person your full attention when they start to open up. Make a point of just listening when they're ready to engage—don't interrupt them or start asking questions. They may feel defensive and close off. Instead, make eye contact, put aside phones or distractions, and show them that you're paying attention. If you're not sure if they're ready to talk, you could check-in by saying something like, "Are you ready to talk now?"

Tell the person how you’re feeling. Let them know that you're feeling hurt so they know their behavior's not acceptable. When you're being stonewalled, you may have the urge to go away and hide until it blows over. Before you do anything, simply tell the person how their silent treatment makes you feel. This establishes a boundary and lets them know their behavior isn't acceptable. Here are a few things you could say: "I realize you get overwhelmed, but it makes me feel terrible when you just walk out." "I don't know what's going on with you right now, but I feel awful when you won't talk to me." "Clearly something's not right and you won't tell me. It hurts that you won't confide in me."

Work together to make a plan for moving forward. Let them know that stonewalling isn't okay and offer suggestions. Be respectful as you talk and use "I" statements so they don't feel attacked. For instance, you could say, "I feel invisible when you ignore me. It's fine if you need space, but you should tell me that you're not feeling okay and you need room." Instead of saying, "You make me feel terrible when you give me the silent treatment," try, "I feel awful when you don't talk to me. It's alright if you don't want to explain how you're feeling right now, but you need to communicate that to me."

Coping with Stonewalling

Shift your mental focus onto your well-being. Try not to think about the other person and how they're making you feel. Putting space between you includes mental space! Don't dwell on your partner or allow yourself to wonder what's going on. Instead, imagine a calm and safe space for yourself. You might close your eyes and think back to a beautiful spot that always makes you feel rested. For example, think back to a time you spent at the beach or remember your favorite place to snuggle up when you were a kid.

Practice mindful breathing and muscle relaxation. Become mindful of your body and surroundings so you feel grounded. When you're being stonewalled, your heart might start racing and you may break out in a sweat. Take deep, regular breaths to control your heart rate. Get comfortable and clench the muscles in your hand for a few seconds. Then, release the tension and repeat this with another set of muscles. Try relaxing the muscles from your head down to your toes. Don't rush yourself—enjoy the feeling of tension releasing from your body.

Do activities that help you feel safe and centered. Listen to music, take a walk, or talk with a friend so you focus on yourself. This might mean different things for everyone, so find an activity that improves your mood. For instance, some people might read a book or listen to a podcast. If you're feeling restless and having a hard time not confronting the other person, go for a jog. Physical activity can be a good way to release pent-up emotion and energy.

Talk with a therapist if you’re struggling. Speaking with a counselor can give you the tools you need to communicate. If it's at all possible, get the other person to go to counseling with you. Sometimes, it's easier to open up if there's a neutral third party to mediate. If this isn't an option, that's okay. You can still talk to a therapist for the support you need.