Deescalate the situation.
Focus on reducing conflict rather than “winning” the argument. For someone with narcissistic tendencies, disagreement can be seen as an act of violence. Instead of trying to dispute what they’re saying and get drawn into a bigger fight, deescalate the situation by saying something like: “I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think of myself the same way you seem to.” “I’d prefer not to argue with you.” “I think we simply have a difference of opinion here.” It’s also appropriate to simply leave the room if anyone is abusing you verbally. If they’re physically threatening you, please escape the situation as safely and quickly as you can.
Focus on the issue at hand.
Focusing on their current behavior can keep things more civil. Threatening an abusive person’s self-image by describing their character can make them lash out—narcissistic behavior comes from a place of deep woundedness, and these individuals are very sensitive. Use “I-statements” to describe how their current behavior is what you take issue with, such as: Instead of saying, “You’re a narcissist,” say, “I feel like you aren’t currently taking my feelings into account.” Instead of saying, “You’re selfish,” say, “I think it would be helpful if you could try to explain how you think I might be feeling.” Instead of saying, “You’re abusive,” say, “I feel really frightened by your behavior right now. I’d like to hear what you have to say, but could we have a calmer conversation?”
Stay calm and assertive if they talk over you.
Remaining calm in the face of abuse is tough but necessary. An abusive person may be trying to provoke a reaction out of you so that they can use it as ammunition to continue attacking you. Someone with narcissistic tendencies may try to deny you the right to speak, but standing your ground can help you regain control in the relationship. For example: If this person won’t let you get any words in, say something like, “I’ve heard what you’ve had to say. Would you mind if I expressed myself now?” If they won’t stop complaining about you, say, “I see where you’re coming from. I’d like to say a few things now.” If they call you demeaning names, say, “I understand that this is how you see me. Could you give me a few moments to share how I see things?”
Remain focused on the present if they bring up the past.
Staying clear of the past can keep your conversation productive. An abusive person may dispute all the events of the past with you, and try to make you doubt your understanding of all of their past actions. These manipulative individuals are capable of holding grudges and anger for a long time, and tend to bring up past events where they felt wronged frequently. Try to stick to the abuse in the present in order to keep your conversation as targeted as possible. Say things like: “I don’t think now is the right time to talk about the past. I’d like to focus on your anger about the current situation.” “I’m open to talking about past problems in our relationship later. For right now, I just want to be clear that I don’t find name-calling acceptable.” “I understand that you may be feeling frustrated about some unresolved issues between us. Let’s work on those after we’ve found a way to have a calmer discussion.”
Take a break if they rage at you.
Letting feelings cool can calm them down. You have the right to leave a conversation whenever you want: if you want to continue your relationship, tell the person that you’re willing to discuss this issue later. Letting them know that you’ve heard what they’ve had to say and want time to think about it can give you a chance to escape the current interaction. Say something like: “I have some other things to do now, but I’ll think about what you’ve said. If you’d like to talk more about this, you can call me tomorrow evening.” “I think that this conversation could be more productive if we took a break for an hour. Let’s watch some TV, and we can see how we’re feeling then.” “I hear what you’re saying. I need some time to process it, and then we can try revisiting this later.”
Set boundaries.
Strong boundaries are crucial to prevent further abuse. A good method for setting boundaries with someone who demonstrates narcissistic qualities is empathic confrontation. This means showing the person that you understand where they’re coming from, then setting a clear boundary and sticking to it. For example: “I appreciate that you’re concerned for my safety when I don’t immediately message back. Even so, you need to respect my right to space without screaming at me.” “I know you’ve had a tough childhood, and it’s not your fault that you have a hard time trusting people. Be that as it may, following me to work is completely inappropriate behavior.” “I realize you tried your best as a parent raising me. But telling other people that I’m a terrible daughter is not okay.”
Explain the impact of their actions.
Lack of empathy is one of the key symptoms of narcissism, so they may need hand-holding. A person with narcissistic traits won’t be able to consider the impact of their actions on you—it just isn’t in their character. When you say that you’re hurt, they might just think of this as a “you problem.” While you might not be able to get them to change, you can try your best by carefully explaining how their abuse makes you feel. For example: “When you call me derogatory names, it makes me feel like I have no value.” “When you give me the silent treatment, I feel panicked and scared.” “When you throw things, I feel extremely unsafe.”
Rely on your support system.
Your friends and family can help you recover from abuse. Grab a coffee with an old or new friend, call a family member, or just spend time with people you care about and who care about you to remind yourself what a good relationship is like. Understand that while your abusive partner, friend, or family member may never be able to give you the love you need, your other meaningful relationships can. When spending time with your friends and family, you don’t necessarily need to vent about your relationship. You can certainly do this, if you’d like to, but even just having a good conversation with someone you value can really help you manage your feelings.
Leave the relationship.
Cut ties with this person if you’re ready to move on. Think about what needs this relationship fulfills for you, which ones it ignores, and whether this relationship could ever meet those missing needs. It’s a good idea to talk to a friend you trust so that you can get an outside perspective. When you’re with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way, it’s nearly impossible to get your needs met simply because, to this person, they don’t matter. If the person in your life is a parent or someone with whom it might be difficult to completely divest yourself from, try claiming some distance for yourself. This could mean seeing them less regularly or letting them know that you’re only willing to talk about urgent matters. If you’re leaving a relationship with a friend or partner and have a history of being abused by them, it’s okay to simply send them a message saying, “I’ve decided that it would be in both of our best interests to no longer continue this relationship.” Ghosting is also okay if your safety is at risk.
Journal your feelings to heal.
Journaling connects you with yourself, fixing damage to your self-image. For someone with professionally-diagnosed NPD, your only real purpose is to serve them. This can cause you to develop a warped image of yourself, one that doesn’t contain the value that you truly have. Take some time to write down your feelings about this person and how they made you feel. Ask yourself questions like: What kind of person did my (partner/friend/family member) believe I was? Judging from my other relationships, is that true? There are also workshops available to help survivors of abuse recover, regardless of where the abuse involved narcissistic behavior or symptoms. Consider joining a session to connect with other people who have experienced similar relationships.
Process your emotions with a therapist.
A trained professional can help you recover from abuse. Although people with narcissistic tendencies rarely attend therapy themselves, you can benefit a lot from it. Talking to your therapist about your relationship with your abuser can give you a safe space to work through your feelings. Many therapists are also trained in helping survivors of every kind of abuse—including narcissistic abuse—and can therefore give you wise and personalized advice.
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