How to Talk With Teens

Creating a Time to Talk

Start a conversation at the dinner table. Create quality family time and encourage conversation during dinner. Ask everyone to turn off their cellphones or leave them in another room. That way, you can all focus your attention on the dinner conversation. Think of a few questions for everyone at the table to answer, and avoid judging the replies. Focus on topics like: the events of everyone’s day, future plans with friends, or comments on the meal. Go for “neutral” topics that won’t lead to a conflict or a fight. Try to get to know your teen as a person. Ask them about television shows they’re watching right now, or books they’re reading. Share your own favorite shows or books. Another tactic at the dinner table you can try is to ask your teen about the highlight of their day. It could be as simple as a good test score or a funny joke a friend told during lunch. Or it could relate to current news, like the landing of the Mars rover. Share your highlight with your teen as well. Listen to their highlight and don’t interrupt them.

Use time in the car for a conversation. If you’re spending a lot of time in the car with your teen as their designated chauffeur, make the most of the driving time and use it to talk. For some drivers, talking in the car can be distracting. So focus more on introducing topics of conversation and then listening to your teen’s responses. Try to keep the conversation natural and open. You could comment on your immediate surroundings (“Did you see that guy make that left turn?” “This traffic light is taking forever, huh?”). Or you could focus on basic topics of conversation like your teens plans for the night, or what time they need a ride home.

Start a conversation during a commercial break. Watch the nightly news together and chat during the commercials. If you’re both into a show on Netflix, pause between episodes. Recap what just happened in the last scene or your thoughts on what will happen in the next episode. This will give you and your teen something in common to discuss and will likely lead to natural banter between the two of you. Short bursts of communication are a good way to get a quiet teen to talk.

Chat at night before bed. Some teens find it easier to talk at night. Knock on their door and ask if they have time for a talk. Sit with them in their room and ask them about their day before they go to bed. Another way to start a conversation at night is to greet your teen after a night out and offer them a snack. This will show them that you are available for a chat about their night. After time with their friends, your teen may let their guard down and share more with you. Try a conversation starter like: “So, how was your night?” or “You looked so great when you went out. How did it go?” Or, “It was nice to meet your friend when she picked you up. Where did you guys end up tonight?” Avoid interrogating your teen. Try not to act aggressive or ask them where they’ve been all night long. Waiting up for them and pouncing on them as soon as they get through the door will likely only turn them off or make them less willing to talk. Offering them a snack or dessert when they get home will seem more casual and open.

Keeping the Communication Open

Try to talk about things that are of interest to your teen. No matter what your teen’s interests-- sports, music, fashion, TV, video games, friends, school work--be open to talking about them. Work on being a good listener and try to show genuine interest in what your teen enjoys discussing. A good rule of thumb is to listen twice as much as you speak. This ensures you are giving your teen enough time and attention to talk about their interests. Acknowledge what they are doing well and speak to your teen the same way you would speak to adults.

Be aware of your own reactions to your teen. Teens are great at doing or saying things that annoy their parents or elders. Rather than react emotionally to their actions or words, consider why they be pushing your buttons. The answer could be resentment towards being late for an important event, or simply that they are being a moody teenager. By reflecting on your responses to your teen, you can find the root of the problem or issue. This will likely also lead to less fighting and more talking.

Admit when you are wrong, and apologize. This can be difficult to do, as you may feel you need to serve as a good role model for your teen. But acknowledging when you made a mistake will allow your teen to see you are human, and someone they can relate to. In fact, admitting a wrong and apologizing sets a positive example for your teen. “I’m sorry” are powerful words for a teen to hear from their parents or authority figure. This kind of positive communication will give your teen a chance to learn how to talk honestly and respectfully with others, even when they disagree. They will also learn to feel more confident when discussing their feelings with others, including you.

Offer your opinion, but avoid lecturing or nagging your teen. Chances are you will hear your teen say something you disagree with. But its important to avoid statements like, “That’s a stupid decision,” or “You’re wrong about that boy.” Instead, try to offer an opinion by saying, “I understand where you’re coming from but this is how I see it…”. Or “I’m here to listen, but let me know if you want any advice from me.” Start by noting your teen’s feelings. “You seem upset about what happened last night.” Using a statement rather than a question will make the phrase sound more like a suggestion, rather than an accusation. Give them all your attention and listen to what they have to say. Put your phone away, turn off the TV, or shut the door. Make your teen feel like they have the floor. Offer help or advice once they have finished speaking. Ask them: “Is there something I can do to help?” or “Would you like some advice?” Often, teens just need to talk about issues or problems to someone they trust and respect. They may not be seeking the answer to a problem or an easy solution. So, be willing to listen to them, rather than lecture them.

Avoid yelling, blaming, and name-calling. These aggressive actions will likely kill any meaningful conversations with your teen. Remember you are trying to talk to your teen, not shout them down or get upset at them.

Maintaining Communication

Respect your teen’s privacy. Agree to private phone calls behind a closed door, but set ground rules. No calls after midnight or during dinner, for example. Ask your teen where they will be when they go out at night, but don’t call them every five minutes to confirm. Show your teen you respect and trust them by not encroaching on their privacy. This will likely make them more willing to share their thoughts or feelings with you. It’s important to respect your teen’s privacy in small ways. This could be knocking on their bedroom door before entering their room. Or asking for permission to come into the bathroom before you enter. Avoid barging in on your teen at different times of day. Schedule a time with them to talk about their latest test score or cleaning up their room. Don’t catch your teen off guard, as this may lead to a fight. If you usually discuss these issues at dinner or in the car, bring them up with your teen during your usual time.

Give your teen some say in major decisions. A move across the country or a major financial decision will affect your teen’s world. So rather than spring the decision on your teen, consult with them about a major life change. Talking to them about the decision and listening to their opinion will show you respect their point of view. It will also likely make the change less painful for your teen and help them to adapt to the change.

Don’t reveal to others what your teen has shared with you. Build trust between you and your teen by keeping your conversations confidential. That is, unless there is an issue you feel you need to discuss with your partner or another adult. If you end up sharing your teen's private words, this may shut down communication. Your teen may not want to risk offering their intimate thoughts or opinions to you again. Don't betray their trust by revealing what they told you in confidence.