Preparing to Tell Them
Drop hints; talk about her. Talk about your girlfriend as you would any other friend. This in itself may lead them to figure it out. This can also be a way to get them more comfortable with the idea of you hanging out with girls (if that is not something you have done much before) or having a girlfriend. You can say something like this: “My friend Jessica and I are going to the movies tonight…” “Oh, Jessica’s giving me a ride to the party. You know, she's Hugo's sister and plays field hockey.” “Jessica just gave me this new book. She’s always right about my taste. I totally love it so far.” This is best done earlier in the relationship. Mentioning later that you have been dating a girl for a few months--and they have never even heard her name--that will tend to be more surprising and possibly upsetting. You may have been doing this all along and not realize it. In that case, make sure to talk about her as though she's a very interesting friend. That way, you're building up some awareness of her person.
Find the right time and place. It is best to find an appropriate moment to tell your parents about your girlfriend in order to maximize your chance of getting the most positive reaction. What this would be will depend on a lot of things, including your parent(s), your culture, what is going on in your family, and so on. Try to find a time when they are both free and relatively unstressed. However, with some parents that may be easier said than done. You can decide whether you want to tell them both together, or if you should tell one parent who may have a better reaction first. If you think they will both have a similar reaction, then telling them at the same time may be easier. Try not to worry too much about getting things "exactly right". There may not (and probably will not) be a perfect time to announce your newly found status as a boyfriend. Go for a time and place that seems reasonable. It is your parent's responsibility to handle your news, not yours. Having your first girlfriend is a rite of passage as much as needing your first shave or getting a driver's license. These are things you are supposed to do, and if your parents do not handle it well, that is not your fault. It is their duty to receive the news and deal with it as a parent of a teenager or young adult. You do have a duty to consider their feelings and communicate with them respectfully as a young person, but if you do that...you have done your part.
Don’t drop your studies or your other interests for your girlfriend. If you really want to have the best possible conversation about your girlfriend, then you can’t go around spending all of your time with her and neglecting your studies, your chores, or your time with your family. Instead, you want to continue doing all of the things you excel at well, so your parents can’t say, “So that’s why you’ve been slacking off…” when you tell them you have a girlfriend. You don’t want them to think your girlfriend is a negative influence on you before they meet her. In fact, if you’re doing even better in school than ever before, then this can make them think she’s having a positive impact on your life. Of course, it can be hard to focus on anything but your girlfriend, especially if you’ve never dated anyone before and are head over heels. Just remind yourself that it’s important to maintain a healthy balance in your life; your relationship will be all the better for it. If you want to be around your girlfriend 24/7, that may be a bit of too much, too soon. If you're still young, your parents might still see you as a child and worry more about academics. If you're already in college, expectations might differ and things might be easier.
Consider the fact that they may already know. This is certainly a possibility, especially if you’ve been friends with the girl for a while, or if you’ve brought her up so many times in conversation that it’s impossible for your parents not to wonder what’s really going on. You should actually take comfort in this fact, if this is the case; this will make telling them your big news so much easier! If your parents have asked if you have a girlfriend, have given you a knowing smile when you mentioned your girlfriend’s name, or have even spoken about their dating experiences when they were your age, then there’s a good chance that they already do know the score.
Talk to your girlfriend about it. If you’re feeling uncertain about what to say to your parents, then your girlfriend may have some great advice to give you. She can support you and encourage you that the conversation won’t be as terrible or painful as you think, and she may even give you some pointers about how to tell them. In fact, she might have even told her own parents already and can assure you that everything will be just fine. Plus, your girlfriend probably wants your parents to know the truth so you don’t have to keep sneaking around anymore. She’ll help you feel better about your plan.
Envision a positive outcome. One way to make good things happen is to envision success before the big day. Though it sounds corny, it can help you to close your eyes, imagine yourself telling your parents that you have a girlfriend, and then having them have a positive, or at least not a negative, reaction. This can help you feel more relaxed and confident as you make your plans to have your big talk. Also, keep in mind that, if you told your parents you had something important to tell them or wanted to have a talk with them, they may be imagining something far worse than you having a girlfriend! Chances are that they will walk away feeling relieved. Confidence is key. "I told my dad during breakfast. I shared where I met her, how she has improved my summer so far, and how it helps my self-esteem. He was supportive, even though he would have to drive me to dates and she lives far away." - Gregory Q. I was very nervous. "I didn't know how to tell my parents about my girlfriend, but I feel much better now that I have. My parents' reactions surprised me when I told them, they were pretty cool about it!" - Samuel P. We want to hear from you! Advice from our readers makes our articles better. If you have a story you’d like to share, tell us here.
Having the Talk
Try to isolate your parents. If you can possibly tell your parents the news without your grandmother or pesky older sister in the room, then that may give you the best outcome. Your parents may have enough to deal with without your grandmother shaking her head or your sister saying “I knew it!” in the background. If you’ve scheduled a time and place to meet, then try to make it so that no other family members will be home at that time. If you do have a sibling who is always around, be kind and respectful and tell him or her to give you some privacy when you do talk to your parents. If you explain the situation, then your sibling will understand; just try not to tell your sibling the news (if you haven’t already) before you tell your parents, or he or she may spill the beans.
Be respectful. When you tell your parents your news, you should treat them with kindness and respect. Though it’s perfectly natural for you to have a girlfriend, remember that it may take them a little while to get used to this idea and to see that their little boy is growing up so fast. You don’t want to drop the news on them in an uncaring or flippant way, making it sound like it’s no big deal. Though you don’t have to give them your news in the most dramatic fashion ever, you should be kind and sensitive when you do tell them. Put away your phone, make eye contact, turn your body toward them, and give them the love and attention that they deserve. Use courteous language, such as “I thought you should know,” or “I know this may be difficult for you, at first…” to show that you’ve really thought this through and care about their reactions.
Keep it short and sweet. You don’t need to give them a big and elaborate speech about how you’ve wanted a girlfriend for so long. You also don't need to list the twenty best qualities of your girlfriend after you’ve told them the news. Just tell them that you have a girlfriend, mention one or two heartening facts about her, and tell them that it’s important for them to know because you want them to be a part of your life. If they’ve met the girl or have heard of her, then you can say something like, “You both know I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jessica recently. Well, the truth is that we started dating—she’s my girlfriend. She’s very bright and hilarious and you guys will love her once you spend some time with her. I’m very thrilled to be dating her and I want you both to know.” If they’ve never heard of your girlfriend or met her, then you can say something like, “I want you both to be a part of my life and to know what’s going on with me. There’s something new and exciting that’s been happening, which is that I have an amazing new girlfriend. Her name is Jessica and we met on the Student Council. She’s really sweet and smart and I know you’ll like her once you get to know her.”
Open yourself up to questions. Once you tell your parents the news, it’s likely that they’ll want to follow up. Make sure you’ve planned your big talk so that you leave some time to chat with your parents after you give them the news. They may want to know things like where you met your girlfriend, how long you’ve been dating, or what she’s like; this is perfectly natural and you should be patient with them instead of dismissive. They may also not have anything to say right away because they’ll be processing what you’ve told them. You should still stay with them and wait for them to talk to you a bit more instead of ending the conversation. It’s likely that your parents will feel a bit left out, and telling them more about your new relationship will make them feel closer to you, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable or embarrassing for you.
Don’t worry that they’ll start seeing you differently—it’s only natural. Of course, it’s understandable that this news will be important for your parents, even if they accept it completely. They’re used to seeing you as their little boy, even if you’re a grown teenager, and it may be hard for them to think of you forming romantic relationships with girls. However, this is an inevitable part of life, and even if it’s a challenge for them, at first, they’ll have to get used to the idea of you dating once they have some time. You can’t help the fact that you’re growing older and developing an interest in the opposite sex. You can’t let your guilt about your parents seeing you in a new light keep you from exploring new and exciting relationships.
Ask them if they remember what it was like to be your age. If your parents are really struggling to wrap their minds around this or if you’re just sitting there in awkward silence, then one thing you can do is ask them if they remember what it was like to be your age. If they look back to their teenage years, or even their preteen years, if that’s the case, then they’ll likely remember also having an interest in members of the opposite sex, and maybe even having a girlfriend or boyfriend or two. This can help them soften toward the situation and see it as a natural process. If they say that they weren’t interested in dating at your age, then they may be bluffing; even so, you can casually mention that a few of your friends are also dating without making it seem like you would do something just to copy your friends.
Dealing with the Aftermath
Ask for advice. Once you’ve told your parents the news, your reaction will vary a bit depending on what they say to you. Still, though, there are some things you can do to make them feel like they’re more a part of the process than just outsiders in your life. You can do this by casually asking them for some dating advice to make it seem like you still do care about their opinions. You don’t have to ask them anything too serious, of course, but as they get more comfortable with the idea of you having a girlfriend, here are some things you can ask about: What to get her for her birthday How to ask her to the school dance What to do on a date with her How to tell her a piece of important news
Say nice things about your girlfriend. Another way to massage the situation is to show your parents what an awesome girlfriend you do have; after all, you’re dating her for a reason, aren’t you? If you want them to be more accepting of the situation but don’t feel like they’re really ready to meet her, then you can start by telling them a few things about her that will make them more open to the idea of you dating her. Here are some things you can mention: Her positive personal traits Her successes in school What sports or extracurriculars she participates in The the things she cares about A bit about her family or background
Show how your girlfriend has been a positive influence on you. Another way you can make your parents get more used to the idea of you having a girlfriend is to show them that being with her is actually making you a better person. While saying, “She’s been such a positive influence on me, Mom!” may make it too obvious, there are ways that you can get this point across and show them that you and your girlfriend are a great match for each other. Here are some things you can do: Tell them about how you and your girlfriend are studying together Tell them about new things your girlfriend introduced you to, such as new movies, books, articles, or ideas Talk about ways that your girlfriend has encouraged you to pursue your goals, such as telling you to run for school president Talk about how your girlfriend supports you, from going to your soccer games to baking you cookies the night before a big test Work on being a kinder, more caring person around them—they’ll be sure to see that your girlfriend is having a positive impact on your behavior
If they don’t react well, give it time instead of forcing them to accept it. If your parents aren’t too happy about the idea of you having a girlfriend, whether it’s because they think you’re too young, that you’re neglecting your studies, or if they’re more conservative and have an idea of the type of person you should be dating, then you have to give them time. You have to understand that, even if having a girlfriend seems perfectly natural to you, your parents may need a bit more time to get used to this idea; don’t force too much on them at once and give them some space as they get used to the idea of you with your significant other. If they’re less-than-thrilled at the idea of you having a girlfriend, then you should wait a bit before you bring her around or introduce her to them. Then again, you shouldn’t wait forever; once they meet her, in fact, a lot of their fears may disappear. Of course, if your parents are purposefully keeping you from seeing your girlfriend, then you need to have a talk about why this is not acceptable.
Consider introducing them if you’re ready to take that step. If your parents are accepting or at least tolerant of the fact that you do have a girlfriend, then you may want to make things easier for everybody by introducing your girlfriend to them. You don’t need to invite her over for dinner or do anything formal at first; just have her come over to say hello to your parents before you head out together, or have her quickly meet them after school when they pick you up to test the waters a bit. Once your parents see that your girlfriend is a normal preteen or teenager just like you are, they will be closer to coming to terms with the situation, or even to being happy about it. Your parents may even be excited for you to explore this part of your life, however nervous about it they may be.
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