What could cause an obsession with someone you barely know?
Chasing a goal, not a person Many of us have dreams of building a life with someone, and we usually have an idea of what we’re looking for in that person. Sometimes when we meet someone, they seem to tick all of those boxes right off the bat, and we end up obsessing over creating a whole “perfect” fantasy life in our minds. We may even wind up thinking we found our twin flame or soulmate, but this doesn’t change the fact that we barely know this person. Clinical psychologist Dr. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD, suggests remembering “that it takes a good one to two years to fully know someone well. Many people present themselves in certain ways that aren’t always accurate with who they are.”
Attachment issues When a child experiences trauma, neglect, or abandonment from their parent or caregiver, this can later trickle into adulthood and adult relationships. Having an anxious attachment style means that out of fear of abandonment, you cling to others quickly and continuously search for validation from them. Moreover, people with this type of attachment style are more likely to idealize others and create the illusion of a relationship without actually having it. Dating coach John Keegan explains that these types of obsessive thoughts can even stem from the person you’re obsessed with giving hot and cold signals, triggering your brain to want to continue “the game” of winning them over. “It then becomes intermittent reinforcement, so then it's like ‘okay, this person pulls away, but I can fix it,’” he says. “So the more that person does that game, the more obsessed the other person becomes.” Remember: If you are someone who has an anxious attachment style, there is nothing wrong with you! This is your mind’s way of dealing with uncontrollable events that occurred in your life. Awareness is the first step towards creating healthy patterns in your dating life.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) People tend to throw around the term “OCD” a bit loosely, but OCD is a mental health condition in which a person has difficulty controlling repeated thoughts, ideas, images, or actions. Just because you’re obsessively thinking about someone you barely know does not mean you have OCD or any other mental health condition, however, if intrusive thoughts of your crush are affecting your daily life, it’s a good idea to explore these thinking patterns with a mental health professional.
Depression, stress, or anxiety When things aren’t going well in our lives, it’s normal for us to search for distractions in the things around us—especially the positive things. It makes sense that we would rather think positive thoughts about our crush than focus on dealing with issues at work or family troubles. This is called escapism, and it’s a form of trying to replace those sad thoughts with happy ones.
Loneliness It’s normal to feel lonely, but sometimes we can get so lonely that we begin to rely on others to fill that void and make us happy. If there’s a part of you that feels incomplete, you’ll always be searching for that missing half to fulfill yourself. This is why learning to be happy on your own is so important.
Physical and sexual attraction When we’re attracted to someone—especially in the early stages—our brain releases chemicals called dopamine and serotonin, which are responsible for happy and positive feelings. We can actually become addicted to these euphoric triggers, which, in turn, creates the sensation of attraction and lust. If you’re experiencing an obsession with someone you barely know, it could be very likely that your brain is chasing that high.
Familiarity Have you ever smelled freshly baked cookies that reminded you of the way your grandma used to make them when you were a kid? Or felt the warmth of someone's smile that looked just like your best friend in elementary school’s? Familiarity can trigger feelings of comfort, safety, and nostalgia, because the more we are exposed to one thing, the more our brains lead toward liking it. So, if you barely know someone and yet feel like you’ve known them forever, they could be subconsciously reminding you of someone or something that brings you (or brought you at one time) comfort, resulting in an obsession.
Signs of Being Obsessed with Someone You Barely Know
You stalk their socials. We’ve all been there—checking our crush’s page to see their following went up by one, or seeing if they got a new like on that cute photo they posted. While scoping out that special someone’s social media (and the numbers that come along with it) from time-to-time is a completely natural activity, checking their pages constantly could be a sign you’re obsessed.
You try to show up at events you know they will be at. If you went on a first date with someone and they mentioned going to the movies with friends that upcoming Friday, devising a plan to try to bump into them may not be completely unhealthy. But if you find yourself frequenting their hot spots on the daily, you could be leaning more toward obsession territory.
You get anxious when they don’t reply immediately. When our lives are fulfilled with our own hobbies, interests, and relationships, the need to continuously check our messages and calls diminishes. If you can’t go five minutes without checking to see if someone new in your life contacted you, an obsession may be on the verge.
You bail on your friends for them. When we barely know someone, putting them before the people that are important to us is not a healthy move. Remember that someone who could be gone tomorrow isn’t worth losing lifelong friendships over.
They’re all you think about. Thinking about a crush we barely know is healthy and completely normal; in fact, it would be strange if you never thought about them! Obsessive thoughts only occur when you can’t seem to complete normal day-to-day activities without thinking of them, they have become a distraction from getting things done, or you’re beginning to neglect work, hobbies, and interests because you’re too busy daydreaming about them.
All your conversations circle back to them. Relating every single thing in your life to your crush is a signal that you might be obsessed. If you’re chatting with friends about your favorite flavors of cheese and you interrupt the conversation with sentiments of how your crush’s hair color reminds you of cheese, that’s an intrusive thought.
How can obsessing over someone you barely know impact mental health?
Obsession can lead to stress and anxiety. When you’re constantly worried about what the other person is thinking, doing, or feeling, those thoughts can eat away at you and cause stress and anxiety. When our mental health is affected, it can often overlap into our physical health. Constant stress and anxiety—even from obsessing over another person—may have a negative impact on your overall health.
It can get in the way of your daily life. When your mind is hyper-focused and obsessing over one other person, these distracting thoughts can make it hard to focus on yourself and the people you care about. You may lose interest in hobbies or activities you used to enjoy, and you may find it hard to complete everyday tasks.
It can lead to an unending cycle. According to Georgoulis, obsession can cause compulsive behavior. “Compulsive behavior contributes to and amplifies obsessive thinking. In other words, if you can’t stop obsessively thinking about [someone] and work on mindfulness techniques to redirect your thinking, but then spend the next 4 hours on Instagram looking at his profile, the obsessive thinking will be reignited.”
Obsession may turn into something more in the future. “Obsession often goes on to the dark side,” Keegan notes. “The dark side meaning one person is being manipulative and one person is being manipulated or one person is not interested, the other person is delusional.”
How to Manage an Obsession with Someone You Barely Know
Replace fantasy-based thoughts with reality. “Be careful not to engage in fantasizing and obsessive thoughts about that person,” Georgoulis explains. “Don’t engage in a narrative that this is the person for you. Set limits with yourself on how often you see and spend time with that person, don’t begin to rely on them heavily for emotional support, continue to stay active socially with other people and consider dating other people until you know someone well and they show you they are consistent and trustworthy.” While easier said than done, every time a fantastical or obsessive thought about your crush comes through, interrupt it with one about something else. Your replacement thoughts can be anything from your upcoming weekend plans to sitting down to make a grocery list—as long as it keeps your mind off your crush.
Practice mindfulness meditation every day for a minimum of 15-20 minutes. To do this, Georgoulis recommends noticing “when the obsessive thinking is happening and redirect your focus instead on the activity you are engaging in in the present moment.” Find somewhere free of distractions and sit down to engage in a relaxing meditation. Make a conscious effort to redirect your thoughts and soak in the moment.
Keep busy. “Do whatever you have to do to get them out of your head, go work out, take a long walk, talk to some friends, and just really look around, literally go outside and look at all the beautiful people and look at other attractive people,” Keegan says. “Don't compare that person to her or him.” Journaling for therapy is another fantastic way to keep your mind busy. What’s more, getting your thoughts on paper forces you to confront your feelings and gain a better perspective on why you may be having these obsessive thinking patterns.
Seek support. Whether you’re more comfortable reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist, you don’t have to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts alone. Speaking your mind and expressing your feelings to others can help you gain a fresh perspective on the situation. If your thoughts begin to affect your life in a negative way, schedule an appointment with a mental health professional to help you manage your obsession and overthinking patterns.
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