- You may be socially inept if you struggle to make and retain relationships, or if it seems as if you are always saying the wrong thing in a conversation.
- Socially inept people may feel like they are under scrutiny in social interactions, overthink everything they say and do, and dwell on perceived mistakes.
- To become more socially adept, practice holding conversations with people. Practice active listening, reading the room, and understanding body language.
- Accept rejection gracefully. No matter how socially adept you are, you will still face rejection from time to time!
What does it mean to be socially inept?
Socially inept people struggle to navigate social situations. They may feel nervous or anxious in social settings, not pick up on social cues or body language, say the wrong things, and worry that others are harshly judging them. Therefore, socially inept people often struggle to make and maintain connections. Initiating interactions is difficult, and friendships or relationships that are established may not last long. Socially inept people may overthink their actions in social settings and dwell on perceived mistakes. However, they may also understand social situations, and fail to engage with others by not reading the room properly or by paying more attention to themselves than to others. Many socially inept people also struggle with anxiety. Social anxiety is not the same as social ineptitude, though social ineptitude may contribute to social anxiety. Social ineptitude refers to general difficulty navigating social situations, while social anxiety refers to fear or insecurity in social situations.
How do I know if I’m socially inept?
You struggle to form and retain relationships. If you are socially inept, it may be hard to make connections with new people, and when you do make connections, they just don’t seem to last—and it feels like your fault. Not every sign of social ineptitude will apply to every socially inept person, and everyone will experience at least one instance of social awkwardness in their life. If you are socially inept, you likely frequently experience multiple signs of awkwardness.
People don’t seem to be interested in what you have to say. Conversations with other people may be slow, short-lived, or full of pauses, and maybe it feels as if you just can't get the hang of small talk. People’s eyes may glaze over when you speak to them, or they might seem to be looking for a way out of the conversation. Maybe you find yourself being talked over a lot, or it feels like nobody hears you. You trail off mid-sentence, and it doesn’t seem like anyone notices. Does it seem as if your interactions with others don’t go anywhere, or that new people move on to someone else after only a few minutes of chatting? Do you only get one-word answers from new acquaintances?
You have difficulty interpreting social cues. Maybe it seems as if all of your friends have no problem picking up on body language and subtle hints or flirting with people, but for some reason, understanding social norms is just not in your wheelhouse. Have you ever left a conversation only for your friend to say, “Did you get their number? They were flirting with you!” and felt utterly oblivious? Difficulty understanding social cues may cause you to overcompensate by overanalyzing people’s expressions or body language. Social anxiety may influence you to believe someone’s body language is signaling boredom or impatience when it isn’t!
You interrupt people. Socially inept people can be so focused on what they’re saying that they talk over the person speaking to them. Some socially inept people become so distracted by what they will say that they forget to pay attention to the person they’re interacting with. If your social ineptness manifests as anxiety, you may be too nervous during an interaction to pay attention to the conversation.
You find it challenging to approach people or join a group. Everyone else already seems to be gathered in groups and have a good rapport with one another, but you may struggle to join in. When you do think of the perfect thing to add to a conversation, maybe everyone in the group looks at you funny, perhaps because you haven't read the room properly or because your timing is off. If you have social anxiety, it may feel intimidating to take up space in a social setting, so you stand off to the side. Maybe you’re always at the end of the row in group photos or the one without a partner during school projects or games.
You struggle with your body language. How much eye contact is too much eye contact? You don’t want to stare someone down, but you don’t want to avoid looking at them either. Maybe you don’t know what to do with your hands, your posture is too tense, and you just feel—and seem—uncomfortable. Often, the more you think about your body, the more awkward and unnatural it feels.
You avoid socializing or isolate yourself during social events. Whether it’s family Thanksgiving or happy hour with your coworkers, if you're socially inept, you might tend to hang out by yourself or cling to your friend or partner. Interacting with others, especially if you don’t know them well, just seems like too big a feat. It may feel as if people just don’t seem to take to you. Socially anxious people may also implement barriers to interaction. For instance, they may text (or pretend to text), or go to the bathroom just to escape for a few minutes.
You overthink everything you do in a social situation. Whether it’s striking up a conversation with a crush or just getting a cup of water from the water cooler at work, you may be heavily focused on the minutiae of every action you perform in front of others. It may feel as if people are always watching you very closely and judging you for every slight faux pas you make. Even after the incident has passed, socially inept people may find it hard not to replay the event in their heads and scrutinize every detail, wondering what went wrong.
You have social anxiety. While some people conflate “social anxiety” with “social ineptitude,” they are actually 2 separate things, though social anxiety may be a form of social ineptitude. Social ineptitude refers to general difficulty navigating social settings, while social anxiety refers to fear and insecurity surrounding social settings. Social anxiety may cause you to be socially inept, or repeated instances of social ineptitude may make you feel anxious over time. Social ineptitude can be a self-fulfilling prophecy in that the more awkward you feel, the more uncomfortable interactions can be: one bad interaction begets anxiety over the next interaction, and the anxiety causes you to avoid socializing in the future. If you’re dodging phone calls because you’d rather text or hide from food delivery people, you could be socially anxious.
How do I stop being socially inept?
Accept that you are struggling. Difficulty socializing is very, very common. It may be tempting to ignore the problem, or to just avoid socializing altogether, but acknowledging your struggles is the first step to overcoming your social ineptitude or anxiety. By accepting you are having difficulty interacting with others, you can take steps to improve your social skills and make meaningful connections. Nobody is perfectly socially adept all the time. It is common to feel nervous or anxious when speaking publicly, for example. For some people, it can feel really uncomfortable to be in a group setting, and social skills may feel challenged especially in larger settings. Remember that people with active and fulfilling social lives work hard at them and make time for them. It is true of anything, when you put energy and focus towards something over time you get better at it and also begin to see payoffs. Be patient and consistent.
Practice holding conversations with people. Socializing is a skill, just like playing the piano or learning to cook. It takes practice, and many people who are good at it only got that way by enduring lots and lots of failure. The more you practice striking up conversations with people, the easier it will become over time. First, think of people you already know who you can possibly get to know better and reach out to them and initiate a time to get together or go do something fun. It can be helpful to expose yourself to small social situations made up of 1-2 people that you feel comfortable with and where concerns about being judged or doing something embarrassing are not present. This can provide you with opportunities to practice communication skills and solicit feedback without fear of judgment. As you become more familiar with these skills, you can expose yourself to bigger groups until it feels more natural and fluid to be in social settings. Does it seem like your friend navigates social interactions with ease? Observe their behavior in social settings and see if there’s anything you can learn from it.
Practice “social reconnaissance” in group conversations. Joining a vivacious group conversation can be a challenge. Observe the people involved in the discussion: What are they talking about? Just as importantly, what is the emotional tone of the conversation? Listen carefully to what everyone is saying for a few minutes and wait for a pause or a lull in the conversation before saying something. Before you tell a joke, ask yourself: is this the right time and place? Will this crowd understand the reference I am making? Practicing social reconnaissance will also help you get better at not interrupting people during conversation.
Focus on the person you’re interacting with rather than yourself. When you’re obsessing over whether you’re coming off awkward or not, you’re not fully engaged in the conversation you’re having. Practice devoting your full attention to the person speaking and not to what you’ll say next or how you’re coming off in the interaction. This will help you become more socially adept and make the person you’re interacting with feel seen and want to spend more time with you. Make occasional “Hmm” and “OK” sound while someone is speaking to suggest you are paying close attention. Maintain good eye contact to show you are invested in the interaction.
Learn to read body language. Many people communicate indirectly through body language, and understanding how to tell what another person is thinking by observing their eyes, posture, and position will help you navigate social situations more successfully. If a person makes sustained eye contact with you, that is an indication they are interested in what you have to say. If their eyes dart around too much while you speak, they may be distracted, bored, or looking for an out. Tell the difference between a genuine smile and a fake smile: a genuine smile engages the entire face, whereas a fake smile only engages the mouth. If someone is standing close to you, this may indicate they are interested in what you have to say. If you notice them step away, this may suggest they want to disengage.
Display relaxed, engaged body language. While you’re studying the body language of others, add some moves to your repertoire to help you connect with people. What does your body language tell other people? If your posture is stiff and forced, this may make you come off as uncomfortable. If your eyes shift around the room while someone speaks to you, this may make you come off disengaged. Practice implementing open, loose body language and good eye contact to come off as more approachable. Open body language may consist of a head tilt, a smile with teeth (if appropriate), and good (but not too intense) eye contact. These are signs you are interested in what someone is saying. Practice mirroring the body language of the person you’re talking to. Mirroring is a subconscious sign that you are interested in connecting and engaging in the conversation. Avoid clasping your hands, crossing your ankles, or rubbing your neck, as these may make you appear closed off and uncomfortable. Don't overthink your posture too much, as overthinking can lead to the same stiff, uncomfortable posture you want to avoid!
Learn to laugh at yourself. Who cares if you accidentally referred to Shelly as Kelly? Everyone makes mistakes—it’s no big deal! Learning not to obsess over tiny faux pas (or even big ones) is how you become more socially adept. (Odds are, people are more focused on themselves than on you, anyway!) Relatedly, go into conversations open-minded. Assuming ahead of time that people will dislike you may lead you to the trap of confirmation bias: you may assume they think ill of you even if they are kind and engaged.
Accept rejection gracefully. Even the most socially adept people are rebuffed from time to time. Rejection hurts—but it is a part of life. You may do everything “right” in interaction and still be shunned or rejected. Not everyone will want to engage with you, and that’s all right. Don’t ignore your hurt feelings when someone does reject you. Socializing is an important part of life, and it’s valid to hold your relationships in high esteem. Just don’t let the hurt take over.
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