How to Be More Thoughtful

Treating Others Thoughtfully

Acknowledge those around you. Always greet the people you share space with when you become aware of their presence. Even if you feel tired or shy, make the effort to acknowledge that others exist, and that you exist with them. When you enter a room, say hello to everyone within. Make eye contact, and smile if you are up to it. When someone else enters a room you are in, do the same. If you and they have a moment, ask how they are and share how you are in return. Use everyone's name, and make sure you know how to pronounce it. Say goodbye when you leave or when someone exits a space you are in. If you bump someone, apologize. Acknowledge the needs of those you share space with. If there is food to share, take a proportionate amount. Ask real questions. When you chat with someone, ask them specific questions about their life. If you get a friendly answer to a question, ask follow-up questions. Try to learn how someone lives, what is most important to them, and what they enjoy over the course of your conversations. If you pick up on how someone is feeling, acknowledge it! Ask how they are. If they seem upset, ask if there's something you can do. If they seem happy, say they seem well and ask if they're having a good day. Acknowledge moments of difficulty and moments of celebration in the lives of those around you. Offer sympathy when someone is unhappy, and warm congratulations when they achieve something.

Anticipate the needs of others. It's great to help when asked, but it's even more thoughtful to anticipate the kind of help that would make the biggest difference in a moment. If your partner is coming home with groceries, meet them outside to help carry the bags into the house. If your coworker has a flight at an early hour, you might offer to drive them to the airport. If someone you know is going through something difficult or labor-intensive, think of a way to help relieve them of ordinary activities. If you learn, for instance, that your friend is finishing a big grant proposal over the weekend, offer to bring her a meal or to watch her kids. Organize with others who might also want to help. If someone you know is going through a health crisis, get in touch with their closest friends and organize a meal train so that they don't have to cook. With some thoughtful attention, you can become an expert on the needs of your loved ones. For instance, you may be the only person who understands a close friend's moods—when she starts making tons of exciting plans, you may be the only one who can anticipate that she will overbook herself and burn out, and the only person close enough to remind her that she may be attempting too much at once.

Gather information about people in your life. When you learn something about someone in your life, make a mental note of it. This is material that you can return to when you wish to act in a thoughtful way. Listen actively. Pay attention to people who speak to you. Show that you are listening by nodding occasionally, reacting with your face, asking questions, and occasionally repeating what is said to make sure you have it right. Write things down. If you learn something you think you may forget, such as the date of a friend's upcoming surgery, write it down in your calendar so that you can send them a card or check up on them when the time comes. Consider keeping a birthday calendar—write the birthdays of everyone you know on a calendar, and update it with the birthdays of new babies and new acquaintances. This should be separate from your yearly calendar, as you will refer to it year after year.

Mark important events. When something important happens in the life of someone you know, mark the occasion. Write cards, call, or send flowers or another gift. If you're only casually acquainted, you might comment on social media or just make a note to yourself to say something when you see them. If you know that your friend prefers one form of contact to another, it is thoughtful of you to respond in that way. Write cards. Write thank-you cards, condolence cards, birthday cards, retirement, birth-of-child, thinking-of-you, and graduation cards. It may seem fussy, but they really do make people feel good. Write someone a card, and consider giving them a call as well. You don't have to buy occasion-specific cards each time: keep a few packs of blank-inside beautiful cards around the house, and write a personal message inside that is appropriate to the occasion. One cheerful pattern and one calming pattern is all you need: send cheerful cards for birthdays, graduations, and other good news, and send the calming image for condolence cards and other more sober moments. It is perfectly appropriate to send a card when someone is sick, has lost a job, or is otherwise struggling with personal or familial hardship. It may feel awkward to mark a sad or complex moment, but it will feel more awkward later when you see the person and don't know what to say face to face.

Ask permission when your actions involve others. It's thoughtful to consider how your acts will make others feel. Even if it isn't clear how much your act will ultimately affect another, it is still thoughtful to consider that they might want to have some say. For instance, if you have a funny experience with a friend, ask their permission before you tell the story to others. Get consent before touching someone. Even a hug or a friendly pat on the back can feel uncomfortable for some people, and others just want to be asked before they are touched. Even kids deserve this sort of consideration. Ask your child before you post her picture on social media—she may want to keep it in the family instead.

Caring for a Loved One

Learn what makes your loved one feel loved. Everyone expresses and receives comfort in different ways. To be thoughtful, learn what makes the most difference to your loved ones. Your mother may want a call every day, for instance, while your father doesn't care if you call much but would be hurt if you didn't mark his birthday with a thoughtful gift. What kinds of loving acts mean the most to your loved one? Do they respond most to acts of service, to gifts, to quality time, to affectionate words, to physical touch? Do they need to feel like you understand their motivations? Is it important to them that you are physically present at certain kinds of event? If you're not sure, ask yourself what you have done for your loved one that they speak of often, or that made them cry. If you're not sure, ask them. Brainstorm things that they like, and work them into your routine. For instance, if your parents feel supported when you do housework, assign yourself more regular chores. If your kid gets clingy when they need comfort, get into the habit of giving them regular hugs.

Acknowledge what your loved one does for you. Take a moment every day to consider the things you are given. Express your appreciation to those who give to you: from the barista who makes your drink to the spouse who stays calm while you panic about your missing keys. Notice the small things. You might not notice all the things people give to you—apart from material goods, someone may give you time, emotional energy, or even thoughtful attention. When a loved one does something that affects you, think of their motivation. They may be doing it to make you feel good. Ask yourself if there are things your loved one does for you that you could do in return. Oftentimes, the things you think to do for other people align more with your own needs than with theirs. Therefore, if you want to find out what your loved one needs, you might look to what they give you. For instance, if your partner always gives you nice shoulder massages, you might offer them a massage in return. It's possible that they have shoulder pain and are unconsciously assuming that your shoulders hurt too.

Check in. When you greet one another and when you have a moment alone, try to see how your loved one feels. Ask, but also observe. Do they look focused and alert? Do they look tired, sad, or worried? Are they frowning, tapping their hand, or checking their phone every three minutes? Ask your partner how they are feeling. "How are you? Have you had a good day?" Ask specific questions about things you think they might want to talk about If your partner seems distant, anxious, or sad, ask: "is anything bothering you?" You can say what you perceive: "You seem a little preoccupied. Is there something on your mind?"

Slowing Down

Think before you speak. Thoughtful people tend to consider a statement before they make it. While there are some familiar situations where you can freely respond to a question or comment without fear of saying the wrong thing, in most cases it pays to consider your response. Think of the best way to word what you are saying. You might have a generous thought that, if worded incorrectly, will make the hearer feel terrible. Think of the words that will best communicate to your listener what you wish to say. Listen to your gut. If you feel a pang of misgiving, pause and consider the implications of what you are saying. Similarly, you may choose to re-read an email before you send it.

Reflect on your days. You will be more thoughtful in all things if you take the time to remember and analyze your day. Talk about your day with your friends and family, so long as you also listen to their account of their own. Write what you did and how you felt about it in a nightly journal. This is a way of dedicating thought to the mundane, a practice which will necessarily make you more thoughtful. Consider getting a therapist if you feel you have more to sort through than you can possibly cover in a conversation.

Step away from your decisions. If you are faced with a big decision, or even a medium-sized one, take your time making it. Come up with careful questions and run them by people in your life. While you may feel strongly inclined one way or another, letting your thoughts settle in your mind will result in a more satisfying decision. If you can, sleep on it before you give your verdict. If you don't have the time to actually get a full night's sleep before making a choice, do try to step away briefly. If you are making an important decision at work, for instance, try taking a brief walk or giving yourself a long lunch break before you express your decision.

Take your time with projects that matter. The old saw that "anything worth doing is worth doing well" has some merit. Work produced thoughtfully tends to impress. Allocate enough time to give every project the attention it deserves. Keep the main aim of your project in mind while exploring possibly related themes that may end up informing the end product. As with decisions, taking time away from projects will help you see them more clearly.