How to Go from Passive to Assertive

Transitioning Away from Passivity

Respect and vocalize your own perspective. More to the point, learn to value your perspective. If you tend to be relatively passive when interacting with others and hope to become more assertive, you need to both recognize and more frequently verbalize your needs, feelings, and opinions. The best way to do with is by reminding yourself of your specific needs and desires and actively communicating them directly and respectfully with those around you. Working to increase your assertiveness will become a self-fulfilling process as soon as you begin; even the slightest increase in your assertiveness will help you convey what you’re thinking and feeling more effectively. When you notice you have a need or desire that is not being met, perhaps in part because you haven't vocalized it, think about how you want the situation to be different. It may help to write out the needs and desires you intend to better vocalize, or talk about them with a close friend. Practice identifying and vocalizing your needs and desires so you feel more confident about asserting yourself when it is necessary to do so.

Start increasing your assertiveness in one particular domain. It will be easier to be more assertive within one area of your life first. This does not mean you should be more assertive with those who are younger than you or in a less experienced position in your work environment. Instead, look to be more assertive with those who know you well and will likely respect your more active participation in social interactions. Be specific. Choose to become more assertive in one specific place or during your interactions with one particular person. For example, you could decide to be more assertive with a friend who always tries to plan things for you without asking you first. Be consistent. Make sure to practice being more assertive whenever you’re in that place or with that person. If your friend often calls you up on Friday afternoon to tell you what the two of you will be doing, then anticipate the call each week and practice what you will say. As you realize you’re successfully becoming more assertive, expand the positive changes you’ve made in one area of your life into another social sphere. After being more assertive with this friend, you might start being more assertive at work, with family members, or with your significant other.

Convey confidence with your non-verbal behavior. The classic example here is maintaining eye contact. Make sure you’re making frequent, direct eye contact with the people with whom you interact, especially when speaking directly to someone. Sit or stand upright, with your body turned towards whomever has your attention. Smile when you’re happy and frown when you’re angry. This alone will go a long way in helping you externalize emotional honesty. Make sure your body language is relaxed. Not only does this convey confidence, it will actually give you more confidence too. In particular, make sure you’re not clenching your jaw. Practice in the mirror. It may feel silly at first, but looking at how you sit or stand in the mirror will help you recognize aspects of your posture that may be read as passivity by other people.

Prepare for the fact that you may meet with some resistance. As you attempt to increase your assertiveness, understand that people’s reactions will not always happen as you expect. In fact, if people have become accustomed to you interacting with them passively, they may initially be startled or even respond negatively the first few times you express a healthy, respectful assertiveness. Accept that you will likely face some discomfort while increasing your assertiveness. However, this is a good thing! It means that you are growing and learning. Remind yourself that it is within your rights to assert your needs and feelings and that doing so will lead to better relationships in the long term. If you encounter any resistance or negativity, remind yourself that you are in control of your own reactions and continue to behave respectfully and assertively. Say something like “I’ve decided not to allow others to take advantage of me, and I won’t allow us to attack one another for seeing things differently.”

Prepare for the benefits of more assertive behavior too. Aside from all the benefits of reducing stress, being more assertive will help prevent the resentment that can sometimes grow within the context of passivity. Aside from offering a more healthy way to process your anger, increased assertiveness will literally help you get more of what you want out of life. Remind yourself that you deserve it. Think about how your life will be better when you're able to be more assertive in certain situations, and visualize the relief from tension and other rewards your assertiveness will likely bring. Write down the benefits of being more assertive that you're most looking forward to. Carry this list with you as motivation to continue respectfully vocalizing your needs and desires.

Communicating Clearly, Honestly, and Assertively

Practice saying no. It is especially important to recognize and embrace your right to simply say “no.” Especially if you usually find it challenging to turn people down, literally practice doing so in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye and say, "No, I’m not able to do that right now." When actually turning a request or demand down, be direct. Include an explanation, but keep it brief, and emphasize that you are unwilling or unable to do what has been asked of you. Rehearse what you intend to say. If there are recurring things you’re asked to and comply only because you feel pressured to do so, prepare yourself to stand up for yourself by practicing exactly what you’ll say next time.

Make sure your tone conveys assertiveness. Aside from what you’re actually saying, how you say it is also an extremely important aspect of healthy, constructive communication. Monitor your use of your voice to ensure you speak firmly, but in a relaxed tone and at a steady, confident pace. Limit your hesitations. Try to speak with depth and warmth this will help reflect the emotions you’re feeling. Emphasize sincerity and clarity in the way you speak. Monitor the volume of your voice too. Speaking too quietly or too loudly will lead people to take you less seriously.

Listen actively and with genuine attention. Whenever anything is unclear, ask questions! Part of listening is understanding exactly where people are coming from. If you’re not understanding someone, ask for clarity and convey your willingness to listen and collaborate with the language you use. Ask things like “What are your thoughts on this?”, “Does this work with how you’re feeling?”, or “How do you think we can approach this differently?” Take care to maintain respectful and active nonverbal listening behavior. Focus on the person, maintain eye contact, and set aside your personal perspective to allow yourself to fully comprehend theirs. Repeat others’ key points back to them when they’re finished speaking with statements like “It sounds like you feel like ___________.”

Validate the other person’s perspective. Do this early in a conversation to introduce the positivity you want to maintain. You don’t have to agree with the other person, but you have to acknowledge what they’re feeling. Be explicit. Say something along the lines of “I understand you see this issue differently.” Or, “I understand why you need help with that.” If you cannot help the person, be ready to clearly state why. Be brief, but also sincere. For example, if a friend wants you to help him or her move over the weekend and you already have plans, then you might say something like, “I would help if I could, but I can’t. I already have plans with my family.”

Follow with a direct statement of your own needs and desires. Particularly when there are multiple perspectives to consider, or when a decision is yours to make, it is important to be clear about why you see something differently. If there is a conflict between perspectives, the more clearly you convey the specific difference in your perspective, the better chance an issue can be worked through cooperatively. For example, if you have just explained to a friend that you can’t help him move because you have plans with your family, then you might try following it with something like, “Spending time with my family is important to me.” Be assertive when distinguishing between fact and opinion. While responses to opinions should mostly start with “I feel” or “I think”, responses to facts should be more direct and start with clauses like “I’ve had different experiences” or “I have come to understand that differently.”

Propose an active step to resolve a conflict. While discussion is healthy, and absolutely necessary when there are multiple perspectives to consider, a proposal on how to move forward is one of the most constructive and assertive contributions you can make in a conversation, particularly in a group. Avoid the words “should” or “ought” when making suggestions, opting instead for “What about” or “Would it work if” Maintain a collaborative approach by shooting for an action that has the best chance of pleasing all relevant parties.

String together an empathetic, direct, and active response. If you have already made a decision, particularly when declining something that has been asked of you, convey your understanding of the situation and corresponding decision all in one statement. For instance: “I absolutely agree that it would be great to _______________. However, I can’t [participate in it/join you/allow that to happen] because _________________. How about figuring out [a different time that will work for everyone/someone else who can help/an alternative].”

Deal with minor conflicts with direct statements as well. For instance: “I’m glad that we’re able to share [each other’s items/the kitchen/the bathroom]. However, it frustrates me when [items are broken/dishes are left in the sink/the bathroom is a mess]. Let’s figure out a system to deal with [the rules about borrowing each other’s possessions/using the kitchen/sharing the bathroom].”

Stick to the point with “I” statements. Whenever you know what you need, what you want, or how you’re feeling, make sure this is conveyed simply and directly. Especially when making a request, state what you’re asking in one or two short, clear sentences. Start the statement with a simple declarative, such as “I want”, “I don’t like”, or “I feel.” Convey excitement or enthusiasm with “I” statements in particular, by saying things like, “I would very much enjoy it if_______.”

Avoid using aggressive language. As you become more assertive, it is extremely important to avoid using language that conveys aggression. In particular, avoid starting statement with “you”, as this will put the other person on the defensive and will only complicate or unnecessarily prolong conversations. For instance, opt for “I disagree” instead of “you’re wrong” or “I feel irritated when you interrupt” instead of “you’re always interrupting me!”

Avoiding Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Behavior

Allow yourself to feel anger. Anger and other emotions have a complex relationship with your ability to communicate. If you tend to be passive, you’re likely not at fault for overreacting to anger with aggressive behavior. However, you may need to realize that it is healthy to express the fact that something angers you. Anger is normal and natural. Learn to recognize your anger by listening to your body for clues. A rise in your heart rate and blood pressure, the feeling of blood rushing to your face or other parts of your body, and a wave of warmth may all indicate that anger is rising beneath the surface of your skin. Avoid hiding your anger, as this may lead to stress, resentment towards those that anger you, feelings of victimization, and the growing though suppressed desire to act out.

Express your anger with emotionally honest communication. Recognize that passive-aggressiveness is just as detrimental to your relationships as blatant aggression. Own and admit your anger, and respond to it with maturity by voicing it directly while being calm and respectful. The easiest and clearest way to do so is to take a deep breath and simply tell someone that their behavior has irritated you. Take care not to attack whomever has angered you. Keep your statement simple and straightforward by saying something along the lines of “I felt aggravated when ___________ and I need you to know that I’m not comfortable with [behavior/statements] like that.”

Don’t allow others to disregard your wants and needs. Though there is nothing wrong with being shy or easy going, you should always participate in a conversation or interaction when you have a relevant perspective. If you constantly just “go with the flow” for the sake of avoiding conflict, people may start to disregard your thoughts and feelings. If, in fact, you actually don’t want to go for pizza yet again, and would rather grab some sushi – say it! Certainly, some stuff simply isn’t important, so don’t feel like you always have to be a part of every conversation. The point is: when you do have feelings on a matter, voice them.

Say yes only when you really mean yes. Often, passive people will agree to things that ultimately make them more stressed or simply diminish the quality of their lives unnecessarily. If and when you want to say no, you have to accept and practice the necessity of doing so!

Let yourself change your mind about things. Recognize that changing your mind about something and acting on your decision to do so is actually an assertive, healthy behavior. Understand that your mindset, and your understanding of a situation will frequently change, and that increased assertiveness will make you more flexible about changing the decisions you’ve made and when making new ones. As you become more assertive, you should be taking a more active role in the conversations that concern you. Take pride in making independent contributions and decisions.

Get help becoming more assertive. Be patient and understanding with yourself. It’s tough to start voicing your perspective more frequently, especially when you’re used to staying quiet. If you’re struggling with increasing your assertiveness or become increasingly stressed about how to go about doing so or if you’re just looking for support while doing so see a mental health professional. The act of getting help is itself an assertive step, as it is an active demonstration of your willingness to improve your ability to voice your perspective and pave yourself a road to a healthier, happier life.