How to Know when Someone Is Not Ready to Have Sex

During a Social Encounter

Read body language. This is especially true in a social situation like a bar, dance club, or party. Many people do go to these places to seek out a sexual partner, but not always. Therefore, always respect people’s boundaries and choices. Common body language signs given off women who are not interested in you are avoiding eye contact as you approach her; she moves away from you when you move closer; she tries to keep another body between you and her; she gives you a fake smile or frown; or she rolls her eyes when she tell you to “get lost.” Men, on the other hand, will not listen, touch, or look into the eyes of somebody they are uninterested in. If on a date, men will treat you more neutral, like a sister or a buddy, if they have no sexual interest.

Listen to their voice. Voice can indicate sexual desire as much as physical appearance. How you talk and are talked to in a social encounter can quickly determine if there is a sexual interest or not. Pay attention to the tone of their voice. If they sound uninterested, unsure, or afraid it is probably not a good idea to try and coax them into having sex. Sex should be consensual under all circumstances. An unsure person might regret it later. Science has proven that when women deepen, or lower their voices they are romantically interested. It is believed when a woman naturally lowers her voice it is an attempt to sound more attractive and provocative. Men, on the other hand, speak in more variable tone. They do, however, lower their voice when speaking to a potential sex partner.

Notice their behavior. If you find yourself with somebody who is impaired from drinking alcohol or taking drugs, do not take advantage of the situation by trying to have sex with them. An impaired person has lost the ability to think rationally or take responsibility for their actions. This does not give you the right to overlook their condition. Remember, no is no and silence does not imply consent. Alcohol and drugs also induce a state of loss of self-awareness, including beliefs, attitudes, and your own high standards. Drinking or taking drugs can never be used as an excuse as to why you had sex without full, conscious consent. Rape is rape, drunk or sober. Make good and careful choices and don’t leave anything to chance. Before you go to a social setting to have fun, understand your motivations for drinking or taking drugs, and be cautious of engaging in these behaviors if you are frustrated, depressed, angry, or lonely.

Understand rejection. There are many reasons not to have sex: the person is not interested, has a significant other, is just partying, or is spending time with friends are all reasons a person might say “No.” If rejected in a social encounter, it is best just to move on. Throughout the night, if the person you are pursuing does their best to avoid you or refuses to give their phone number to you, it is probably because they are not interested in you. Leave them alone. Rejection for intimate encounters in public is more frequent than acceptance. If you realize this and keep a good attitude, then taking rejection will be easier. Remember that “no” means “no” under all circumstances. Think of rejection as an opportunity to meet someone new.

During a Relationship

Pay attention to your partner's feelings. If your partner is delaying an emotional or physical attachment to you, they might still be deciding how they feel about you. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt by being patient with their decision and letting them to get to know you better. This works both ways: your partner might not be sure how you feel about them. Anybody looking to move forward in a relationship wants some assurances that the feelings are mutual. Be honest about your intentions to your partner. If you are sure about your feelings, then tell your partner that you have been thinking seriously about your relationship and that you are ready for sex. You might want to have some positive signs, however, before suggesting sex.

Adjust your expectations. Up to this point, if you have only experienced sex from watching it at the movies, then this is what you expect for the first time. Your expectations, in other words, do not mesh with reality. Fantasy is not real life. If you do not realize that sex is an important decision with serious consequences, you might need to wait a bit longer. No matter how experienced you or your partner is, sex can be messy and awkward. The first time will be exciting but do not expect something straight out of a movie. Your unrealistic expectations probably reveal that you really have not given much thought to how sex will impact you or your body. It is better to consider reality before engaging in a fantasy. No matter what you imagine sex to be like, you still need to talk to your partner about your desires and expectations. You can still plan for a romantic and slow experience. Ask your partner to share their expectations too. You might also want to express the positions you desire, role play, or how rough you are willing to go. It is important that you and your partner understand each other before pushing the boundaries.

Clarify their commitment. Single people have the right to see other people if they are not moving towards a committed relationship. In fact, moving towards a committed relationship means exclusivity and probably sex. Thus, your partner might refuse sex with you on the principle they are not ready to commit to a monogamous relationship. The same goes for you. Do you want to enter a committed relationship or are you seeking casual sex while seeing other people on the side? If you are ready for exclusivity then be clear where you stand with your partner and what you expect. To ensure a safe emotional and physical sexual relationship with your partner, make sure you ask about their sexual history before hitting the sheets. Avoid saying things like "But you did it before with someone else!" or “You’ll have to do it sometime – why not now, with me?” These responses are not indicative of somebody who cares about their partner; rather, it appears you only care about your own needs.

Determine whether your partner is waiting for religious reasons. There are many moral and religious beliefs around the world that teach people to practice abstinence until marriage. Whether they find you attractive or not, sex might be off limits until after the big wedding day. In this case, you should respect their beliefs and avoid pressuring them into something they strongly believe in. Watch and listen for the messages your partner is sending you when you are together. If they talk about the future, religious faith, or morals, then those things are probably more valuable to them than sex. When kissing or petting do they respond passionately or pull away? If they pull away, take that as a sign that they are not ready to pursue a sexual relationship. You should also be aware that there will people who are willing to do many things other than sexual intercourse. In this case, make sure secure boundaries and “safety words” are discussed to prevent going further than they are ready to go.

Avoiding Potential Problems

Take your time. Some people need more time than others before they are ready to have sex. Some see sex as a physical commitment while others see it as an emotional one. If your partner is unsure if they are ready to make either one of those commitments, they are not ready for sex. The surest way to know if you are ready to have sex is to make sure your brain, heart, and sexual organs are in unison and not out of order. Make sure to have a mature conversation about protection, birth control, disease, exclusivity, and sexual history. If you find that your partner does not take it seriously or is not mature enough to have an adult discussion, it is probably better to take more time. Be cognizant that most people will have a sexual history or at least have been in an intimate relationship before you. If you partner was in an abusive, hurtful, or even unsuccessful past relationship, it could influence whether they are ready for sex with you. If your partner is not ready to deal with the emotional and physical consequences of pregnancy or transmitted infections, then it is safer to practice abstinence at the present time.

Resist peer pressure. If you feel your partner is having sex with you to compensate for a date or gift, to make you love them, or to impress their friends, it is probably because they are having sex from pressure rather than because they are ready. It is best to disengage and have a talk with your partner before proceeding. It might be exciting at the time, but if your partner is having sex because of peer pressure, the end result will be guilt, anger, and regret. Make sure you discuss sexual boundaries and what you expect from having sex. Will it enhance your relationship? Is it something you both want to do.? Are you ready to deal with the emotional feelings and responsibilities associated with sex? Answering these questions will help you understand your partner, especially when it feels they are being pressured by friends. If you feel your partner is sacrificing their convictions to have sex with you it is probably because they either fear the pressure of losing you or are being peer pressured. In either case, it is best to stop and talk about why they are surrendering their beliefs.

Practice safe sex. Having unprotected sex can lead to serious consequences such as contracting a sexual disease or getting pregnant. If your potential partner is unwilling or too embarrassed to buy protection then they are probably not mature enough to engage in sexual intercourse. Before having sex, it is important to become familiar with the consequences of your actions. If you talk to your partner and they are confused about how they could catch a sexually transmitted disease or infection, then they lack the education and maturity to take responsibility for their actions. If your partner cannot accept the risk of pregnancy or infection as part of the experience, then imagine what the situation will be after intercourse and a positive pregnancy test. If these consequences are unacceptable, then so is having sex. If your partner refuses to practice safe sex, you might want to reconsider having sex since they obviously do not understand the serious risks involved. If you find your partner saying things like, “I can’t finish with a condom on” or “I'll only put it in for a second...” without using protection, then you must be prepared for the consequences. You can get pregnant or catch a disease every time you have sex, including the first time.

Respect your partner’s decision. Not respecting rejection could result in criminal charges such as involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, or rape. In movies, victims of sexual crimes look battered and bruised. In reality, improper sexual contact can range from inappropriate touching to a life-threatening attack. And, it can happen to anybody. Domestic violence is a factor in abusive relationships. The offense can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature. If you pick up any of the signs that your partner does not want to or is not ready for sex, then be respectful and wait or reevaluate what you want from the relationship.