What is solo polyamory?
Solo polyamory is an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle that centers the individual. People who practice solo polyamory are potentially involved in multiple strong, intimate relationships while still maintaining a single lifestyle. They are polyamorous in the sense that they recognize the potential to love more than one person, but they are also solo in the sense that they don't have (or want) a primary or "nesting" partner. Polyamory is a type of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). You can be ethically non-monogamous without being polyamorous, though. ENM is also referred to as consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Polyamory includes having a romantic or emotional connection with multiple people—not just a sexual connection. You can choose to be solo poly because it reflects your personal values or simply because you want to try out a new type of relationship dynamic. You might find that solo polyamory works for you at one point in your life and then doesn't work at another point—and that's totally normal! Identifying as solo poly doesn't mean you have to claim that identity for the rest of your life.
Isn't solo polyamory the same as dating around?
No, solo poly people embrace the polyamorous philosophy. The difference between being solo poly and dating around is that single people typically are looking for a committed, monogamous relationship ultimately—they just happen not to be in one right now. A poly person, on the other hand, is never looking for an exclusive relationship with one person. A solo poly person might have a relationship with someone that is just as close as a married relationship—but that relationship continues to exist outside the confines of traditional marriage. Solo poly folks also tend to be honest about the other people they're dating, while someone who's just playing the field might not even tell the people they're dating how many other people they're seeing or how close they are with any of those people.
What is the relationship escalator?
The relationship escalator describes society's relationship expectations. Solo poly people recognize that Western society is heteronormative and privileges heterosexual couples whose relationship progresses through certain milestones. These milestones tell society how "serious" your relationship is and how committed you are to each other. Milestones on the relationship escalator include: Making public "appearances" as a couple Using relationship labels such as "girlfriend," "boyfriend," or "partner" to identify each other Living together and maintaining a joint household Merging finances and having joint bank accounts or joint assets Getting engaged or married Having children together
How is solo poly different from relationship anarchy?
Relationship anarchy describes your approach to all connections in your life. While solo poly relates exclusively to how you organize your sexual or romantic relationships, relationship anarchy includes all of your relationships with other people, even family and platonic relationships. Relationship anarchy is a life philosophy focused on the following principles: Love is abundant and real in all of its forms. It doesn't need to be restricted to a couple. Relationships are unique and non-hierarchical. One relationship is not any more important than another. Relationships are based on mutual respect rather than a sense of entitlement. Lives and relationships are best organized based on your core values, not on the expectations or demands of society. Communication, conversation, and curiosity are at the heart of all relationships.
Characteristics of the Solo Poly Lifestyle
Solo poly people might consider themselves their primary partner. When someone is solo poly, they're typically making a commitment to put themselves above any relationship they might have in their life. They want to focus on their own goals and dreams and put their needs above those of anyone else. This doesn't mean that a solo poly person never takes their partners' needs into account. It simply means that they aren't going to stay in a relationship where their needs aren't getting met or there's a conflict between their needs and the other person's needs. For example, if a solo poly person is in a relationship with someone who wants to move to another city, the solo poly person would consider whether it suited their needs to move as well, to continue the relationship in a long-distance capacity, or to end the relationship entirely.
Solo poly people tend to live alone. With solo poly's emphasis on autonomy, it stands to reason that most people who identify as solo poly also live by themselves. They might just enjoy having their own space to go back to, even if they spend most of their time at a partner's house. It's also common for solo poly people to live with family members or with platonic roommates, typically for economic reasons. Someone who identifies as solo poly could also live with someone they're involved in a sexual or romantic relationship with. However, they still typically don't see this relationship as being "primary" or more important than any other relationship.
Solo poly people typically don't merge finances with a romantic partner. With all the focus on autonomy, this one likely makes a lot of sense. Even if a solo poly person is living with a romantic partner, they're typically going to keep their money separate and contribute equitably to the same household rather than pouring all of their resources into the same pot. Given that financial issues lead to the downfall of many relationships, this is a way to keep those issues separate so that you can explore your connection with someone without the interference of money or property.
Solo poly people don't organize their life around a romantic relationship. When you identify as solo poly, that means you put yourself at the center of your life and organize everything else around your own needs and wants. You engage in relationships only to the extent that you find them fulfilling. Solo poly people reject society's notion that they can't live a fulfilled life unless they have a primary life partner who they share every aspect of their life with. Even if a solo poly person lives with someone they have a romantic or sexual relationship with, they still consider themselves independent. Solo poly folks don't believe that they have any power or control over their partner's behavior or that their partner has any power or control over theirs.
Solo poly people may have multiple intimate relationships. Ultimately, solo poly people are polyamorous, which generally means they believe that people are capable of loving multiple people in many different ways. They also tend to believe that one relationship doesn't threaten or limit another. A solo poly person doesn't necessarily have several relationships going at a time. The solo poly identity is more about the person's philosophy on how they approach relationships and less about the number or type of relationships they have at any one time. Just as a bisexual person might feel that their identity is erased when they are in a heterosexual relationship, people might consider a solo poly person who is only involved with one other person to be monogamous even though they're not. As with any ENM relationship, jealousy and resentment can be problems. Solo poly people manage these emotions by talking through them with their partners and trying to understand what caused them to arise.
Solo poly people are open about all of their relationships. This is the "ethical" part of ENM—it's ethical because everybody knows what's going on and has consented to it. As a solo polyamorist, you're open about all of your relationships with everyone you're in a relationship with. You don't necessarily need to go into graphic detail, but it's important for all of your partners to know the basic score. From a safety perspective, this is important if you have multiple sexual partners. You want all of them to know their level of exposure and what forms of protection you're using with different partners. From a personal perspective, it's valuable for your different partners to understand who you might have sexual or romantic feelings for so they can appropriately navigate their relationship with you.
Solo poly people don't define themselves by their relationships. As a solo poly person, you don't need a partner to make you "whole." Solo poly people typically don't use labels such as "partner," "boyfriend," or "girlfriend" to describe themselves in relation to someone else. A solo poly person will likely say that they feel complete and whole on their own. They don't feel as though there's something missing in their life if they aren't part of a couple or a relationship unit.
Stereotypes and Misconceptions
Selfishness Perhaps the most damaging stereotype about poly people in general is that they're selfish in some way. People who believe this tend to believe that poly people are just trying to seek all the pleasure they can possibly get for themselves without regard to how their pleasure-seeking might impact anyone else in their life. Related to this stereotype, people often assert that the polyamorous lifestyle is bad for children. The idea is that the children are likely neglected while their polyamorous parents are focused on seeking pleasure and stimulation with others. The reality is that poly people simply recognize the truth that love is not limited and that people naturally experience different types of love throughout their lives. Poly people generally also tend to believe that having a loving relationship with one person doesn't diminish the loving relationship you have with someone else.
Trustworthiness The myth that poly folks aren't very trustworthy comes from the monogamist notion that polyamory is just an excuse to cheat on your primary partner. For a solo poly person who doesn't even have a primary partner, this probably seems pretty ludicrous. It's even sillier when you recognize that poly relationships require a ton of honesty and openness to actually work—and that's the backbone of trust. Some people might also think saying you're solo poly is just an excuse to have multiple sexual partners, but the reality is that not all poly relationships are sexual.
Reliability or Stability The myth is that poly relationships are inherently unstable or unreliable by virtue of the fact that they're non-monogamous, and this just isn't true. A polyamorous relationship can be just as stable and reliable as a monogamous relationship as long as the people involved are open and honest with each other and communicate consistently. Polyamory of any sort has a pretty steep learning curve when you first start, and this makes sense—you're trying to unlearn a lifetime of cultural conditioning. Solo polyamory in particular can be a really hard lifestyle to lead because society is organized around couples and that's just going to make it easier for you to be in a couple (this is called "couple's privilege").
Commitment People often think that solo poly people are just afraid of commitment. But nothing could be further from the truth! Solo poly people, like relationship anarchists, believe in designing custom commitments that work for them based on the needs and wants of the people in each relationship. Solo poly people typically don't see sexual exclusivity as necessary for commitment. This is something that might be difficult for people used to being in monogamous relationships to understand.
Is solo poly right for you?
It might be if you're not interested in the relationship escalator. People practice solo poly in a lot of different ways and it's really up to you to practice in the way that best suits your needs and your lifestyle. But all solo poly practitioners tend to have one thing in common—they aren't interested in building a primary relationship that gradually escalates to the point where the people in the relationship merge their lives together. You might consider exploring solo poly for yourself if any of the following statements ring true for you: You want to prioritize your wants and needs You don't like the idea of living with a romantic partner, or you prefer to live on your own and have your own space You see yourself as your own primary partner You don't need a specific type of relationship to prove to anyone that you're responsible or that you're an adult You prefer to be self-reliant and take care of things on your own You feel confined or trapped in traditionally monogamous relationships
Tips for Practicing Safe and Ethical Solo Poly
Communicate openly with all of your partners. Open communication is perhaps the most important part of any polyamorous relationship, and it's especially important in solo polyamory. Making sure that all of your partners are aware of how you lead your life and their place in it can avoid a lot of drama and hurt feelings. This doesn't mean that all of your partners need to be involved with each other, be friends, or even know each other! There are a lot of different types of poly relationships and you're free to choose what works best for you and your relationships. It's always important to remember that there's no right way or wrong way to "do poly." If what you were doing before is no longer working out, feel free to try something else! It won't make you any more or less poly.
Define your expectations for any relationship. Navigating multiple relationships is one of the biggest challenges of being polyamorous. One thing that will help all of you stay on the same page is to list your expectations from day one and adjust that list as necessary to reflect the changing dynamic of your relationships as they progress. Regular conversations about this will help you and your partners feel more fulfilled and more engaged. There will be less anger or resentment if everyone understands what everyone else expects from them. It also helps to define what each relationship is and what it's not. That definition will likely change over time—relationships change as people change and grow. When things feel different, revisit the topic with your partner and talk about it.
Practice safer sex and get tested regularly. There's a myth that people who are poly tend to have more STIs than those who are monogamous—but that's simply not true! In fact, polyamorists in general tend to have lower STI rates than the general population. By using prophylactics and getting tested regularly, you can keep it that way and also help keep yourself and your partners safe. Keep in mind that polyamory is different from just casual sex or swinging. It's about building close, intimate, multi-faceted relationships with multiple people—relationships that may or may not include sex. Before you get involved with someone sexually, have a conversation about what that entails, including defining your limits and your needs in a sexual relationship—especially if they differ from your needs in a non-sexual relationship.
Avoid getting involved with monogamous people. When you're a solo poly person, polyamory is part of the way you view relationships. Even if you're not seeing several different people, you might still consider yourself poly—and this can present problems if you start seeing someone who is monogamous. For example, a monogamous person would likely get upset if you wanted to become romantically or sexually involved with another person. While it's possible for a solo poly person to have a relationship with a monogamous person, it's also very important to set strong boundaries and make sure that the two of you are always on the same page.
Connect with your local poly community. Being solo poly can be a lonely and isolating experience—that's where your local poly community comes in. Spending time with other people who are also living a polyamorous lifestyle will help you feel less alone and less judged. It's also typically easier (and safer) to date within your local poly community instead of using mainstream dating apps to try to meet people. Check event platforms such as MeetUp to find poly events and get-togethers happening near you. If there isn't much of a poly community where you live, try joining an online community instead. For example, the Polyamory Subreddit has hundreds of thousands of members. You'll find plenty of resources and people you can talk to so you'll feel more understood and less alone.
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