- A key sign of mother-son enmeshment is a lack of clear lack of physical or emotional boundaries within your relationship.
- Enmeshed sons may have trouble speaking up for themselves, and feel obligated to have the exact same beliefs as their mothers.
- In an enmeshed relationship, a mother often gives her son special treatment, and views him as her friend rather than as her child.
She doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Your mom seems overly involved in all aspects of your life. In an enmeshed mother-son relationship, healthy emotional and physical boundaries don’t exist. Instead, your mother does things that make you feel physically uncomfortable, like showing up at your home unannounced or venting to you constantly about any negative emotions she hasn’t worked through. Boundaries are an essential part of any mother-son relationship; while you both care for one another, you both have a sense of independence. What to do: Sit down with your mom and set clear boundaries with her. You might say, “I like talking with you, but I find it overwhelming when you call me 5 times a day. I’d rather you call me a couple times each week.”
You struggle to assert yourself around her.
You find it hard to be your own person when she’s nearby. With enmeshed mothers and sons, the son essentially ends up being an extension of his mother, unable to see himself as his own person. Because of this, he has trouble asserting his own wants and needs since he doesn’t have a solid grasp on his identity. What to do: Write a list of all the things that you like, such as your favorite color, smell, and flower, along with books you’d like to read and movies you’d like to watch. As you get more comfortable, dive into topics like your career aspirations, political beliefs, and more.
You’re her “best friend” rather than her child.
The dynamics of your relationship don’t feel very familial. When your mom treats you like a friend rather than a child, she’s viewing you as someone with the exact same ideals and worldviews, which isn’t how a parent-child relationship should be. She also shouldn’t be unloading her problems and stressors on you in the same way she would vent to a peer (like “I don’t know if your father and I can afford the cable bill this month”). What to do: Gently explain why you’re feeling uncomfortable to your mother. You could say, “While I don’t mind you visiting, I don’t like it when you treat me like one of your colleagues. I’d appreciate a little space.”
She claims that you’re her “favorite.”
Enmeshed mothers often put their sons on a pedestal. For a long time now, your mom has called you her “favorite child” (or even if she hasn’t, her actions speak just as loudly). As an adult, you feel like she dotes and focuses on you more than your other siblings (or even her spouse), which doesn’t sit right with you. What to do: Let your mom know that you aren’t comfortable with the extra attention she always gives you, and explain that you’d like a little more balance in the relationship.
She expects you to have the exact same beliefs.
It’s important for people to develop their own belief systems. It’s not healthy to feel obligated to adopt your mother’s beliefs, be they religious, political, or something else entirely. Perhaps you’ve never even considered believing in something different, since it would be going against your mother’s belief system—this is a sign of enmeshment. What to do: Use “I-language” to explain how you’re feeling without making your mother feel like she’s to blame. Start your sentences with phrases like “I’ve been feeling…” or “I’ve been experiencing…”
She always comes first.
You never have the time or freedom to focus on what you need. There’s nothing wrong with being concerned for others, but it’s important to meet your own needs, too. In an enmeshed mother-son relationship, you might feel personally responsible for making sure that your mom is happy, or that your own needs and desires are somehow less important than hers. What to do: Don’t be afraid to put your own needs and wants first, even if it means putting your mother second. Assert yourself by saying something like “I feel really burned out, so I don’t have the energy to come over for dinner tonight.”
She guilt-trips you frequently.
It’s unhealthy for your relationship to revolve around manipulation. Let’s say that you’ve decided to celebrate your birthday with friends rather than dropping by your mom’s place to spend it with her. A toxic mother might try to get her way by making a comment like “How could you do this? We always spend your birthday together.” By the end of the conversation, you feel guilty that you’ve somehow let your mother down. What to do: Stick to your original plan without making an exception for your mother’s wants and needs. It’s okay (and important) to put yourself first!
She doesn’t want you to physically leave her.
Many parents are sad when their kids move away, but she takes it too far. Anytime you’ve mentioned moving to a new city or getting a job somewhere further away, your mother makes a comment to try and get you to stay. The same thing happens whenever you discuss marriage—if it’s anything that could separate you from her, she doesn’t want you to do it. What to do: Sit down with your mother and remind her that your long-term plans may not always directly involve her. If she can’t accept your desire for independence, it may be time to distance yourself in the relationship.
You don’t follow your dreams and goals.
Your future goals often feel like an extension of your mother’s. Maybe you’ve had a goal you really want to achieve, like starting your own business or getting a substantial promotion at work. Whenever you mention this goal to your mom, though, she shoots it down. As you go about your daily life, you don’t have the confidence to follow your dreams on your own. What to do: Split your goal into smaller chunks rather than trying to tackle it all at once. You’re more than capable of achieving your goal!
She heavily influences who you choose to date.
You’ve sent at least one partner packing because your mom didn’t approve. You hit it off with someone and thought they were really good for you; unfortunately, your mother didn’t think so. After a little bit of time, you eventually decided to call it quits because you just didn’t feel comfortable dating someone that she didn’t approve of. What to do: Make romantic decisions based on what’s best for you, not what’s best for your mother. If you feel up to it, invite your mom to hang out with you and your SO. It’s also fine for you to just tell her that you disagree with her opinion, and leave it at that.
She doesn’t get along well with your partner.
Your mom has to be your #1 person—no one else can take that spot. When your relationship with your partner starts getting serious, your mom is less than pleased. In fact, she makes it abundantly clear that your significant other will never be good enough for you. What to do: Try to see if you can find any middle ground between your mom and your partner. If you’re still unable to find a compromise, that’s okay—it’s not your job to be the middle-person between them.
Your romantic relationships often have issues.
Your mother-son dysfunction bleeds into your other relationships. Starting a new relationship is always a little nerve-wracking, but it feels like completely uncharted territory to you. You may not feel comfortable getting intimate, or you may pull back due to a fear that your relationship will just be another emotional drain (like your relationship with your mother). When you grow up in an enmeshed household, it’s hard to develop a true sense of self and identity. It’s also difficult to develop meaningful and healthy relationships when your relationships with members of your immediate family are so unhealthy. What to do: Think about visiting a licensed therapist to discuss your relationship struggles. If your mother is up to it, it could be worth attending family therapy with her.
You aren’t very close with your father.
Even as an adult, you find it hard to be connected with your dad. Take a moment to reflect on how you feel about your father. Are you both close, or do you find yourself keeping your distance? As a side effect of some enmeshed mother-son relationships, you might even feel negatively or scornfully about him. What to do: Make interacting with your dad a regular part of your life, like participating in an activity that you both like. Even if you aren’t super close, try to stay in touch by shooting him an occasional text or email.
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