How to React when Your Spouse Is Wearing Diapers

Understanding Your Spouse’s Diaper Use

Learn about adult diaper use. Although most people may think that adult diaper use is only for urinary incontinence, there are actually many reasons an adult may wear diapers. From general incontinence to sexual fetishes, learning about the myriad needs for adult diapers can help you react positively and support your spouse. Your spouse may be wearing diapers because: They suffer from urinary incontinence. This can arise from a broad range of conditions including menopause, enlarged prostate, urinary tract infections, pregnancy, childbirth, hysterectomy, and neurological disorders such as stroke or brain tumor. In addition, some medications and beverages such as coffee or soda, can cause incontinence. They suffer from fecal incontinence. This can arise from conditions such as damage to the rectum, nerve damage to the sphincter, chronic constipation, diarrhea, surgery, or rectal prolapse. They suffer from stress incontinence. This usually arises because of weakened pelvic floor muscles. Stress incontinence occurs most often in women, though can happen in both sexes as a result of childbirth or prostate surgery. They have a sexual fetish called infantilism or diaper fetishism. This occurs most often in males and usually presents as a desire to dress and be treated like an infant, which also involves a transfer of power and control with another adult. It’s important to remember that bodies are diverse in their shapes, functioning and needs, and to challenge any preconceived beliefs, messages and biases that we may have about bodies that may function or have needs that differ from our own.

Ask why your spouse is wearing diapers. In a non-confrontational and gentle manner, ask your spouse why she is wearing diapers. Wearing diapers can be a very sensitive and embarrassing subject for many adults, and simply asking her may help you better understand and eventually support her diaper use. Ask your partner about ways that can help them feel supported, comfortable, and accepted by you when it comes to wearing incontinence briefs and any information they feel would be helpful for you to know. If your spouse has been ill or experiencing other medical issues, broach the subject by saying something such as “I remember your doctor mentioned that incontinence may be a side effect of your injury. Are you having trouble?” If your spouse’s diaper use doesn’t come from an obvious condition, tread lightly in asking. For example, you could say “I found these diapers in the bathroom. Are you having some kind of issue with which I can offer you support?” This allows your spouse to answer honestly if he likes and also demonstrates your support no matter what the reason for wearing diapers.

Accept your spouse’s response. No matter how your spouse answers your question, accept their response. Whether for medical reasons or as a sexual fetish, your spouse’s need to wear diapers is deeply personal and they may—or may not—want to discuss the matter with you. Avoid knee-jerk or “humorous” responses, which may embarrass or hurt your spouse. For example, they may worry that you don't love them anymore. If you do not know how to respond, back away from the situation until you can process it while being gentle with your spouse. For example, say “I’m so sorry and I want to be supportive, but I’m not sure how to react and I need a moment to process this.” Maintaining a stance of openness and non-judgement will be integral to fostering acceptance around any topic that may be difficult for partners to disclose or discuss.

Talk to your family doctor. Schedule an appointment with your family doctor for your spouse and you. Seeing and talking to them may help both of you deal with the emotional aspects of wearing adult diapers while helping to manage any fetish or underlying conditions that may be causing incontinence. Because wearing adult diapers can be distressing, your spouse may not want you “meddling” in their affairs. You can explain that your desire to see the doctor together is as a means to best support them. Ultimately, though, you need to respect your spouse’s wishes. Speak with the doctor alone if your spouse doesn’t want to meet together. The doctor may give you tips on how best to support your spouse without breaking their confidence or doctor-patient privilege.

Supporting Your Spouse

Maintain open communication. Even if your spouse was reluctant to discuss their need to wear diapers at first, always welcome conversation if she wants to talk about it or anything else. Open communication sows trust and may help bolster your relationship as well as increase your understanding of your spouse. Remember that your willingness to support your partner can make their incontinence or their fetish easier to handle for both of you. Keep the conversation as light as possible. Don’t be accusatory or try an push your spouse into something that they don't want. Compose a list of each other’s feelings and concerns to help you get through incontinence or a fetish together. Ask your partner the ways in which you can best support them. For example, say “Is there some specific way I can help you? Do you want me to get supplies for you?”

Engage your spouse. In many cases, someone who is wearing a diaper may isolate themself out of embarrassment. Engaging your spouse and getting them to go out with you can boost their confidence and help them more effectively cope with wearing diapers. Make dinner reservations at a favorite restaurant or go to the movies together. You can also make plans with friends or family at a place your spouse enjoys. Keeping your plans and routine as normal as possible may help your spouse forget about the diapers and realize that they don’t have any great impact on their ability to lead an active and fun life.

Be prepared for accidents. Many people suffering from incontinence can have accidents that cause leakage or damage clothing or furniture. Being prepare with supplies or cleaning products may help put your spouse’s mind at ease and minimize their embarrassment. Carry extra diapers or a change of clothing with you when you go out. Place towels or disposable pads on your bed or furniture to help minimize damage to your home. Place a commode near the bedroom to help your spouse at night if necessary.

Make dietary changes. Some forms of incontinence may respond to dietary changes. Avoiding certain foods and adding more fiber and water to your diet may help relieve the symptoms of incontinence and make diaper use less of an issue for your spouse. You may notice that certain foods exacerbate incontinence. Avoid these as much as possible. For example, spicy and fatty or greasy foods may make fecal incontinence worse. Try to get a balanced diet of whole foods from the five food groups to maintain your overall health. Getting 30 grams of fiber and 8 glasses of water a day may help keep you regular and eliminate waste that exacerbates incontinence.

Provide consistent assurance. Incontinence and even fetishes can be very distressing for a person. By consistently assuring your spouse that you support and love them, you can boost their self-esteem and raise the quality of their life. Let your spouse know you care often. They might wonder if you still love them, and telling them that you love and care for them no matter what is vital to their health and the health of your relationship. In the case your spouse wears diapers as a sexual fetish, be as supportive as you can. You may find the fetish as erotic as they do or may be repulsed by it. In either case, offer support. For example, you can say “I don’t understand your need to wear diapers, but I love you and want to support you as much as I can.”

Attend counseling. If you, your spouse, or your relationship are suffering because of the need or desire to wear adult diapers, attend counseling sessions. A therapist or counselor can help you cope individually or as a couple, or both. Be as open as possible with your therapist. For example, if your spouse has a diaper fetish, you can easily say “I don’t understand their need to wear diapers but I want to know how I can support them without being involved in their fetish.” You may also want to discuss your spouse’s reluctance to lean on you for support and the ways in which you can overcome this hurdle.

Join a support group. Either you or your spouse can participate in a support group for incontinence or a sexual fetish. This may help boost their confidence as well as giving you the tools to best support and engage them at home. Speak with your doctor or counselor about joining a local support group for incontinence or sexual fetishes. There are difference online forums for support of incontinence such as the Incontinence Support Center that not only offer support, but also educate about incontinence. Be aware of online forums for sexual fetishes, as many are not authoritative. Consult organizations such as the Kinsey Institute, which has a wide variety of resources online, for credible and professional support for your diaper fetish. Understand that most people who wear diapers as a sexual fetish are otherwise well-adjusted and do not have any mental health issues.

Enjoy time alone. Having some time alone to decompress can be an important part of supporting your spouse. Schedule regular alone time to counteract any stress, which can help you be more present and supportive of your spouse. Engage with other people as often as possible. For example, go to lunch or dinner with friends once or twice a week. Pamper yourself in a way you enjoy. Make it a priority to get 7-9 hours of sleep daily, which may help you cope with your spouse’s diaper use and could also reduce your stress.